Ramblings

Last night I found myself unable to fall asleep, and so I got dressed and went for a long walk.

The cool night air made my walk enjoyable. Ottawa has been under a sweltering heat wave for more than a week now, and made the daytime unpleasant for outdoor activities. As I made my way back to my building, I stopped in my tracks and that's when it hit me:

I am utterly alone.

I looked at the empty streets, listening to the silence, broken only by the odd bird's interjection.

Alone.

I never imagined I would end up this way. Up until a month ago I still believed my then-girlfriend of eleven years and I would get married and start a family. We had a great relationship, we were tremendously happy, we shared so much in common, both intellectually as well as spiritually. But it turned out she had a been deceiving me. Easy to do since she lived in California, and we spent maybe one week a month together. She was still married to her husband. Time to move on.

Last week, my sister suggested I try putting up an ad on some singles sites. She met her current husband that way, she said to me. And so, with some apprehension, I placed an ad on two sites.

As I returned home from my walk, every step -alone- seemed a little heavier than the last. My two cats were still asleep, thank goodness. Too early in the day for them to be awake and demanding to be fed; so I got undressed and took a shower as my computer booted. As I dried myself off I sat down at my desk, completed the login, checked my mail.

Nothing.

I turned off my computer, shut off my lamp, and went back to bed.

Alone. Again.