Take a Seat

The front seat of an Indian bus is the only place big enough to offer any comfort. Allow me to impart some techniques on how to procure it.

Firstly, identify your fellow passengers who are also in wait of the bus. Do not concern yourself a great deal with women or children. Children pose no real threat to your prized front seat due to their small size and physical weakness, mostly a well placed heavy bump with your hip will remove a small child to some distance and clear a path to the busses entrance. With practice you should be able to dislodge youngsters left and right with well timed hip swings. Women pose more of a threat to your place at the front, however their beautiful lengths of hair provide the perfect hand holds, and with a sharp tug of your arm these particular competitor’s progress is easily impeded. A small warning! Indian women are prone to shriek when having their hair pulled,but these cries of pain should be absorbed in the general chaos of boarding however.

“The Fall” has been a tried and tested technique of old people the world over to gain sympathy and seats, and Indians are no exception. If you suspect you may be in the vicinity of a “faller”, kick them hard in the knee before they approach the bus line. The kick should be hard enough to hurt considerably but not so hard as to break the knee. You want to prevent the person from getting on the bus, not prevent them from walking home. No hospital bills for you.

Young men and women require a slightly different tactic as they are often stronger than you, and I find the most effective manner in which to deal with these strong-arm seat procurers has a more of a psychological leaning to it. Allow a small amount of drool to escape your mouth with enough volume so as to hang a couple of centimeters below your lower jaw. Open the eyes as far as the facial muscles allow, moan grotesquely, then attempt to lick the ear of your intended target Only once has this technique failed, Sanjay and I now being firm friends.

Of course after bumping, pulling, kicking and licking your way to the front of the bus cue you must now contend with the violent rush of commuters disembarking. This can be difficult and there is no guaranteed route to success other than assuming the crawl position once at the front of the line in readiness for the doors to open. Then with conviction start burrowing between the legs of those alighting from the bus. You may receive a bump or two on your head but I have noticed Indian people tend to become quite disconcerted and retreat rapidly if somebody with a drooling mouth, enormous wide eyes, who has just kicked an elderly man and pulled the hair of women starts crawling in their direction..

If all goes to plan you will be rewarded with a far greater image than the Ganges, Taj Mahal or Rock fort-The empty front seat of an Indian bus.

Cheers
Hammockman