Good days and the opposite

Evening, and an other day done.

Wasn't the most brilliant day today, as I am still thinking about my dearest friend in Jersey/UK, who has to spend the rest of his life in a hospital bed, according to his accident he had in June this year.

I always try to force myself, not do to so. Well, some days it works, and on other days it does not work at all.

I removed every picture I had, did not keep anything at all, do not read the em conversation we had, I kept the em’s, more then 2200, but, I just can’t get him out of my mind.

I miss him, still, want to be with him, just talk to him and listen to this wonderful voice. See his sparkling eyes, hear his deep laugh, be next to him, hold his hand and hear his breath cloth to me.

I miss his smell, to be hold by him, to feel safe and at home with him.

I even miss the differences we sometimes hat, the mental fights and the exchange of ideas.

The ability to call him, write to him, send him a text or to feel the anticipation until we are together again.

So many things I‘ve tried, but no, he is still on my mind. I changed my job, even changed countries, as I wanted to live closer to him, started to write a diary, changed my car, as I thought, well, how can I keep the old one, with so many memories in it. Happy ones, good ones, bad ones, no ones I wanted. Did it help?

Yes, through, change everything apart from the memory, because it is not possible to wipe them out. We are human beings and not a computer. And sometimes I wish, I would be a computer and could wipe out the past. Just and simple press delet.

I was in such a pain, cried my eyes out, my soul and my heart was bleeding, no hope around, no one to talk to, felt left out and alone, asked myself, why keep on living, as there is nothing to live for anymore.

But, could I resist to big brown eyes, big green eyes, a „wuff“ or „miau“ that came form the bottom of the heart of these best friends? Did they not needed me, did they not tell me, we are here for you, you don‘t walk alone, we are always by your side?

Yes, they did, and still do and feel, when my heart starts to bleed again, my soul starts to freeze again, my mind is walking to the past again.

They keep me going, from here to the future, every day a little step away from the past, and sometimes a few steps more.

It is not the best time in the year, that is coming up. Dark and cold and nowhere to go. Christmas is coming soon, it will be a lonely Christmas.

I feel as if I should go an visit him again, in hospital in Jersey/UK, but, does it make sense? Just to look at someone who can’t talk, has forgotten all about our relationship, our friendship, the things we were talking about, the plans we had, the feelings we shared?

Easy to say, forget all about it, easier said then done.

My soul, my heart, my mined, myself; a wonderer, no direction, no goal, no leader, just me and the cold round my heart, as there is a missing link.

It is one of these days…..