Do I Hate Her Or Myself?

about 3 years ago she said she found out that her husband was seeing someone else outside their marriage. i knew it was hard to accept such facts ... she cried , she was suicidal n she lost all her hopes.

i spent alot of time with her, i fully understand her pain. we cried and most nights we were like the only 2 still alive in the wee hours. i stood by her and lend my support. i was her shoulder to cry on, i was her only confidante, i was her listening ear, i was her outlet. i was just there for her anytime she needed me.

i have know her since school days, lost contact for awhile then found each other again thru some gatherings. we were like 2 inseparable twins back in our schooling years, u see one, u see the other. we got back in 2009 n she was pregnant with her 3rd child. by this time, she already has 2 girls - 11 & 9 then.

we became close again ... and we agreed that we are not going to lose each other anymore. we want to see each other's kids grow. we want to see them thru university. our grandkids will call us both grandma and be confused. we laughed!

she cried when she heard about my failed marriage. though i have long gotten over it but she was very encouraging and kept telling me that it was his loss not mine.

after much heartache and waiting, in March 2012 she and her husband finally got back again. it was the most touching day in her life. she was overjoyed with tears when she said to me "' He finally wants me back!!""

some months back, she called and wanted to meet up hurriedly. then i got to find out that her husband got into his old habits and has walked out on her again.

by this time, her kids are already 15, 13 & 4. so history repeated itself, i was there again for her - an outlet, a confidante, a listener, a shoulder to cry on ...etc ..etc. she would call in the nights and started crying.

we had a date to meet up again 2 saturdays ago but she finally turned it away. last monday / 21 may, i tried to get in touch with her but my many attempts to talk to her on the phone went unsuccessful. i tried again to reach her during my lunch break at work but again i failed to contact her. i was feeling very uncomfortable the entire day at wok. i then decided that i will pay her visit right after i leave the office.

at 6.53pm that evening, someone finally answered the phone. i heard a voice talking to me and my whole being totally went cold. "" she jumped from the apartment window this morning at about 5am"". these words came thru from the other end of the phone line. i stood still and did not know what was going on. i cant remember how much time i spent standing by the road with tears flooding my face.

i could not bring myself to her wake services and the final send-off last Saturday. i did not take a last look at her, i could not send her off. i had many sleepless nights. it was just too cruel to me. i just couldn't do it.

i woke up crying and missing her. i wanted to call someone to talk to but who do i call during those late hours? i needed a shoulder to cry on but who is there for me? i longed for an outlet to say how i am feeling inside me but where do i find?

i feel terrible. i am devastated. i dont know if its hate or anger i am feeling inside me. i feel the pain. but whose pain am i feeling? is it hers? or the kids'? or mine?

i cant find the answers i want to hear. why she did not talk to me for the last time? why did she turn away our date? why didnt i notice something was wrong about her when we last talked on the phone? why didnt i understand her text message when she said she was going on a 'break' alone?

Do i hate her or am i hating myself now? she said we will not lose each other anymore when we caught up in 2009. but now, i have totally lost her.....

Farewell, my other twin. Rest in peace.

Missing you ....