When Do Parents Let Go? (49)
Good post Kaybee.
There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
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She has to fend for herself now. She has a partner, let him step up to bat. The guilt-trip ploy is how a lot of kids shame people into carrying them instead of figuring out things for themselves. It will cause long lasting damage to bail her out. (Think 64 year old sister still living with her 95 year old father with him footing the bill for everything.) 
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Good post
Rubicon76: Good post Kaybee.
There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
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Kaybee50: 1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding. Well good for her. I want to win lotto A wedding is a time for celebration. And to be honest you can have a big wedding and not spend an arm and leg. I did. It was not a formal wedding. But it was fun and one to remember. 2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:Don't you just love face book you never know what you are going to read on there.
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter." Poor thing she must not have a cell phoneI am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases. It might be, might not be. She really might be worried about the car. Maybe she has heard a sound. Could you not find a family memeber or friend to look the car over and see what they think. Also is there public transpertation or car pooling? If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication. I wonder how much of an adult she really feels like right now. I remember being young like that. I knew everything. And was always right. I don't miss those days. What one did not see was past the tough exterior into the scared and sometimes hurt interior. How confused one can be at that time of life. I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life. I don't know if anyone has asked you to support her financially but it seems like you have made up your mignd on that. And good for you. It will be up to her mother and her grandmother to make up their minds. You are only responsiable for your part. You have no control over the others parts. They will have to come to terms on how they want to deal with things. And if you would like to be a good sister, a loving daughter, then allow them to do this without making them feel that now they have two people they love to try and make happy and sadly they are at opposite ends of the fence. Let them make the decisions that they are willing to live with. Offer supportive ideas if you like. Cheaper ways to have a nice large wedding. Having the car checked. Sure you are upset. Things did not go as was planned. And in life things very seldom do. But if you feel she wants you to support her and you do not want to then don't. That is your right. But do not draw a line and turn it into a pick sides situation. It will not be worth it in the long run. Get sleep. Don't worry. And always know if I said what was on my mind most of the time I would not be very happy with myself. that is why they say hind sight is 20-20. If you are asked your opinion by your mom or her mom give it. If not then just remember one foot in front of the other. And we cannot control other people. I have often thought if everyone in my life did what I wanted them to my life would be so much more happier. Sadly theirs wouldn't. And I love my family. And sometimes that means letting things be and letting it work itself out in time. I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
Kaybee life is not black and white. And sometimes the best thing in life to do is nothing."My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter." Poor thing she must not have a cell phoneI am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases. It might be, might not be. She really might be worried about the car. Maybe she has heard a sound. Could you not find a family memeber or friend to look the car over and see what they think. Also is there public transpertation or car pooling? If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication. I wonder how much of an adult she really feels like right now. I remember being young like that. I knew everything. And was always right. I don't miss those days. What one did not see was past the tough exterior into the scared and sometimes hurt interior. How confused one can be at that time of life. I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life. I don't know if anyone has asked you to support her financially but it seems like you have made up your mignd on that. And good for you. It will be up to her mother and her grandmother to make up their minds. You are only responsiable for your part. You have no control over the others parts. They will have to come to terms on how they want to deal with things. And if you would like to be a good sister, a loving daughter, then allow them to do this without making them feel that now they have two people they love to try and make happy and sadly they are at opposite ends of the fence. Let them make the decisions that they are willing to live with. Offer supportive ideas if you like. Cheaper ways to have a nice large wedding. Having the car checked. Sure you are upset. Things did not go as was planned. And in life things very seldom do. But if you feel she wants you to support her and you do not want to then don't. That is your right. But do not draw a line and turn it into a pick sides situation. It will not be worth it in the long run. Get sleep. Don't worry. And always know if I said what was on my mind most of the time I would not be very happy with myself. that is why they say hind sight is 20-20. If you are asked your opinion by your mom or her mom give it. If not then just remember one foot in front of the other. And we cannot control other people. I have often thought if everyone in my life did what I wanted them to my life would be so much more happier. Sadly theirs wouldn't. And I love my family. And sometimes that means letting things be and letting it work itself out in time. I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
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Rubicon76: Good post Kaybee.
There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
If there was a mountain between you and somewhere you needed to go would you try and cross over it? Would you consider going around it? Or would you turn around and go home? There is a growing trend in the West towards wrapping our children in cotton wool to protect them from the world which, I believe, has a very detrimental affect.
This problem is chronic in Asia. Indian and Thai people never let their kids grow up and then berate them all their lives for acting like incapable children!
While not Asian, your neice, in a away, suffers the same syndrome.
Good parenting also involves instruction in self-reliance, encouraging independance and the direction of a child's growing autonomy. Respecting their decisions right from day one.
I have four daughters and we were always mindful of finding situations where they could explore the world safely by themselves. This is how it was when I was a child. Mum and dad were too busy and had no clue where I was or what I was doing most of the time. I believe this allows for the development of self-reliance.
My daughters appear very courageous and do not rely on me for guidance or much support. They believe they can do everything for themselves.
Don't get me wrong - I am far (far) from a perfect parent but I think we did well in this area.
It sounds a trifle late for your neice. The damage was done a long time ago.
If one would choose to turn and go home then yes it would be a trifle late. It does not matter where a person comes from or what they have been taught as children. Poor or rich. Once they are adults the power is in their hands. To look at something as damaged without really seeing it is really a mirroring effect of the word. 
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Happygolucky4u: If there was a mountain between you and somewhere you needed to go would you try and cross over it? Would you consider going around it? Or would you turn around and go home? If one would choose to turn and go home then yes it would be a trifle late. It does not matter where a person comes from or what they have been taught as children. Poor or rich. Once they are adults the power is in their hands. To look at something as damaged without really seeing it is really a mirroring effect of the word.
What I am referring to as 'damaged' is the dynamic between the older members of the family and the neice. It is very difficult for the neice to change her habits after they have encouraged her dependence on them over her whole lifetime.
Sure, she is trying to take advantage of them now but they have encouraged this for a long time. I am not suggesting that they abandon her. Most parents would not consider this an option but just pointing out that with their history, it will be very difficult to change her ways now.
Maybe they will be lucky and with support from her partner she will develop a stronger sense of her own independence as she matures into her 20's.
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I think the best thing to do is no wedding till the happy couple pay for it. Then in the meantime get ready for baby :)and everone make sure the baby is having a good time .
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Transforming the "worry" energy into vizualising positive outcomes all round will be more pleasant for you and help tip the balance betweence positive and negative energies!! If you´re gonna invest emotonal energy, might as well made good use of it, for yourself and your loved ones!!
Absolutely!
I agree, and Kaybee, we are here such a short time, so take time for you also. Take care of you
From an equally anxious Uncle