Update on my moms condition. ( Archived) (13)

First I just want to say thank you to everybody who has reponded to my last post and sent me emails. It's nice to see so many people care. If I have not responded to you yet, I will. Things have just been a bit crazy lately.

If you have not read the post, here it is here.


Anyways. Hospice has started. She is at home now and is very heavily medicated. She is sleeping alot more and appears to be in much less pain. It's still not the same as seeing her back to normal though.

We had a meeting yesterday and have found out alot of things. They say she has less than 6 months left. why now though? I dont get it? Why must this happen right before my dad is retiring? Why now that my son is old enough to really appreciate her?

I also found out more about her state and her problems. It seems that her constant panicing and confusion has alot to do with pressure on her brain from the cancer in her skull. They also said it could have to do with the cancer in her liver since the liver has much to do with many other body functions including the brain.

They have recommended a nursing home but there is no way we can afford that. The only possible way would be for my parents to sell everything they have worked so hard for.

This means that even though Hospice is in on this, it is going to require even more family care since they only come out to the house, two to three times a week for a while. Most of the care is still going to be from my father and I and it is now going to consist of much more than just talking with her, taking her to appointment, giving her meds and helping her around the house.

Now it's all about changing her when she uses the bathroom, moving her position evert two to three hours and giving her even more meds. If she begins not to be able to take her medicine by mouth, it will have to be given through a port in liquid form.

Things have now become much more serious and I am afraid I have had my last real conversation with her. I wish I could have her back for she is the only woman in my life who loves me.

Thanks for listening again
Ray

I am replying to you and it is taking me a while to think of what I want to say. I suppose what I want to say is I am really sorry for what you and your family have to go through. We all take so much for granted and worry about stupid things that it is only when something like this happens to us that we get our priorities right. Please talk as much as you can so you are not bottling all this up. I will say a prayer for you all and will think about you and the pain you are all going through.
My best wishes goes to you.xx

I try not to but sometimes it is hard. I usually hold up pretty good. it gets the hardest at night when i lay down with nobody at my side to hold on to. I usually end up holding my pillow thinking about better days when there would have somebody there assuring me everything would be ok. Sometimes I stay awake for days because of it. I am really starting to lose my mind.

Yesterday was St Patricks Day and it was really different. This day usually consists of dinner with the family and then off to the bar to forget my name. With my moms side of the family being irish, this has always been tradition. I didnt even eat yesterday let aloe corned beef.

Nothing has any kind of meaning now and those little things like St Pattys fun is nothing but a distant memory. It is the little things that matter and that is one of many.

Oh, man I go through this every night with the residents. Lost a girl friend to cancer on the brain, breast cancer and then her heart attack. I remember when my wife had to wear the adult diapers. Of course, at the nursing home we refer to them as briefs. I lose track of how many have died at the nursing home. So far I have not became indifferent to the deaths. I am glad you are making her quality of life better for her.

Roy

It's been a few days since my last post.

Mom is getting worse but atleast she is comfortable now. It's just sad she doesnt really know who anybody is anymore. She does nothing but sleep really and when she is awake, she is living in the past still calling for people who used to be in her life years ago.

God do I hate this. Why is this happening? Why me? Why now? Why cant this happen when she is old? it still really kills me that my son Kaleb will never really know her. it kills me my family will never get to know her when i finelly get married one day in the future.

I am thinking about trying to take on a midnight job so it doesnt get in the way if caring for my mom and trying to be a dad at the same time. Who knows when I will sleep though. Guess i will figure that out when the time comes.

It is not mine to reason why, it's only mine to do and die.

Don't ask why, you will find that everything in life happens for a purpose, and you will find out in due course.

My prayers are with you and your family

she knows you..and she knows your son... a true thing, this.

the flesh is only that...

try to get past the self of you, and know she is there...you'll feel it.

light to you, and yours...