For All Those Rushing to Canada Immigration Tomorrow.... ( Archived) (116)

For those of you still considering joining the Bush-dodgers relocating to Canada. It isn't about loonies or toonies or socialized medicine. It's about the important stuff—stuff that will determine whether you really want to be a Canadian or just dress like one:

1) Do you like to shoot people? Circle one: yes / no

(If you answered "yes" you should know that there is no Second Amendment or equivalent thereof in the Canadian constitution. Perhaps as a consequence only 22 percent of Canadians own guns as opposed to 49 percent of Americans, while handguns and assault rifles are verboten. Perhaps related to that statistic, the violent crime rate in Canada is 10 times lower than in the United States. This may have no connection to guns, though, and rather a strong correlation to general mellowness of the Canadian temperament. (See Question 3, below.)

2) Have you recently shot someone? Circle one: yes / no

(If you answered yes, you may find Canada appealing. The Canadian courts abolished capital punishment in the '70s, and Canada hasn't seen an execution since 1962. Texas hasn't seen one since about 11 seconds ago.)

3) Do you like to smoke pot? Circle one: yes / no / only for medicinal reasons / only with John Ashcroft

(Judges in at least three provinces have now decriminalized marijuana possession and the federal government is considering decriminalizing it in small quantities. We are advised that the feds also grow great masses of it in large underground caverns and may soon expand the use of these caverns as shelters to which the entire country would retreat in the event of a terrorist attack or to spur mass-munchies in case of a national Doritos glut. And only in Canada would you find marijuana advocates genuinely arguing that people actually drive better stoned.)

4) Are you covered in vast quantities of coarse, black fur? Circle one: yes / no

(Don't kid yourself. It is freakin' cold up there. While 90 percent of Canadians live within 100 miles of the U.S. border, the places they live north of are Green Bay and Buffalo.)

5) Do you like to wear white sneakers (Canadians call these "running shoes") with jeans? Circle one: yes / no

(Canadians are an extraordinarily stylish people, without the excess snobbery of Europeans; and most of them manifest this by being strikingly well-shod. Canadians generally find themselves perplexed by shiny tracksuits, leggings, baseball caps, and sweaters with reindeer on them.)

(Cont'd)....

Hmmmmmmmmm...I wonder if they have what it takes????

Ur kidding right????

Most will turn tail and run to the bushes.

Top Ten Reasons Hockey is the Best Pastime

10. Hockey is the last remnant of the Roman Colesseum Rulebook
without actually having to sit through pro-Wrestling.

9. Baseball. Get serious.

8. Real men don't wear figure skates.

7. Golf. Hmm. This one's a toss up. Both sports involve knocking a hard rubber object into
a target with a carbon-graphite stick while wearing hideous clothing.

6. Cinemas, while somehow just as cold as hockey arenas, just can't achieve the same
enthusiasm levels. (And no funky-chicken)

5. Better sound effects than even the coolest computers.

4. Boxing is arguably the same sport, but those wimps do it without skates.

3. Just not enough violence in football.

2. Stamp-collecting is for referees.

1. When's the last time you went to the ballet and a really good fight broke out?

THE I AM CANADIAN RANT



Hey,
I'm not a lumberjack, or a Furtrader,
and I don't live in an igloo,
or eat blubber
or own a dogsled.
And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a prime minister... not a president,
I speak English and French, not American
and I pronounce it About, not A-boot.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack,
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing,
diversity not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

A toque is a hat,
a chesterfield is a couch,
and it IS pronounced Zed,
not Zee... ZED!!
Canada is the 2nd largest land mass,
the 1st nation of hockey,
and the best part of North America.

My name is Joe...
and...I......AM......CANADIAN!

Thank you.

Great thread!!

Just getting all the new immigrants up to speed!!!!!!

Signs You May be Canadian

You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink soda, not pop.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You can drink legally while still a teen.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo"
You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
You know what a tuque is.
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
You never miss "Coaches Corner".
You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars"
You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favorites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word..." and "Kanata".
You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
You have been on Speaker's Corner.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why she reads news on CBC.
You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files from British Columbia to California.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"

You actually get these jokes