Anger. ( Archived) (42)

Aug 11, 2008 12:12 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
Hi all.

Thought I would run this by you smart cookies.

As I have belly ached enough about it, I have been alone for a year. My ex is also my business partner.

Whilst I reside in Austria, we still maintain a high level of contact and since being back in the UK for the summer, we have had contact, dinner and coffee and meetings and so on.

However, and this brings me to the thread title, he is angry at me, when it was a mutual split, we sold our house, we split the proceeds, we kept the business running as it would have been professional suicide if we had given that up, but his anger is so apparent, he is nasty to me, blames me for all that he has suffered over the last year, he will not reason, I cannot talk to him and I think the world of him, professionally I am stuck with it, unless I branch out alone, which would compromise him and I think I am feeling trapped.

I am at a loss, I have looked at the business as he has the majority shareholding, I can see that he has done nothing, our office is a mess and the staff are bewildered, I have managed to pacify our secretary who bless her took him out for dinner to talk to him and he sat there in silence, he is meeting his work commitments, his cleaner has stated that he has changed and that he is moody and she cannot talk to him and I am worried, but then I have to protect myself.

How do I deal with the anger, I have been away a year, I have reinvested cash into the business when I first left to boost the cash flow so that he did not have to draw down from his IRA, I have done all I can.

I remove myself from the situation, he comes back with more anger, it really is spiteful and mean. I feel he resents my new life, I do think it is harder for the one left behind, I have suggested he returns to the US, to be near his family, but he refuses, leave the town where we lived, he refuses, I did suggest six months ago that he come out to me for a break, he refused.

Where do I go guys?

Anybody else, ever had an angry partner or ex that there was no reasoning with?

What do you all think, all views appreciated.

Many thanks.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:14 PM CST Anger.
stefonline
stefonlinestefonlineDublin, Ireland136 Threads 9,702 Posts
Mine was angry all the time......

I'l get back to you tomorrow as I have to run now hun......

Later....peace
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:23 PM CST Anger.
nuala
nualanualadublin, Dublin Ireland12 Threads 6,456 Posts
It hard to deal with someone else's anger especially if it is aimed at you, but he needs to know that he has not learnt to move on in a year, that you are taking no more nonsense from him.....Keep the relationship business like and no more dinners, coffee or anything else, and by that i mean no more advice.....If he wants to still be a business partner with you he has to start acting like one.scold

But I feel you should take your power back and stop feeling a little bit guilty for the relationship not working out....but you have moved on from it and he hasnt, but he is trying to drag you back to a year ago....I wish all the best and take care......hug teddybear
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:29 PM CST Anger.
cristina
cristinacristinaLisbon, North Holland Netherlands286 Threads 10 Polls 17,243 Posts
I think you said somewhere that he was with someone for 3 years with whom he fell in love while with you and that you were ok with it. Taking that into account, i think that your ex-husband/partner is jealous that you were strong to decide a new life for yourself. Not that he deep down there may want you back, he, like many men when realising that their ex life is flowing, is trying to sabotage you and your emotions. He wants you weak because after such a divorce, men seem to have more existential problems than women...many doubts etc, even if they wanted to split so badly.
I think that it's important for him to keep you down because of the split. I once had to pretend that i was much more down than i actually was, just to be left alone.

Partnership. Ruining the business is part of his sabotage. Not that he want's to destroy everything but that he knows that you will have no head for other stuff in your new life but to worry about the business. He knows you won't let it fall apart, so he wants to keep you busy with it.
I suggest you open your own branch.



drinking
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:32 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
nuala: It hard to deal with someone else's anger especially if it is aimed at you, but he needs to know that he has not learnt to move on in a year, that you are taking no more nonsense from him.....Keep the relationship business like and no more dinners, coffee or anything else, and by that i mean no more advice.....If he wants to still be a business partner with you he has to start acting like one.

But I feel you should take your power back and stop feeling a little bit guilty for the relationship not working out....but you have moved on from it and he hasnt, but he is trying to drag you back to a year ago....I wish all the best and take care......



Thank you Nuala, you know, I left the country to get away from him, I had to, it was dragging me to a level that made me fearful, he and I met at a conference four years ago and that guy was having his girl.

After a long year, just being me, I feel I have reached a plateau with me as a person, his emotional level was so intense and he did support me in my relocation overseas, I think you are right, I am suffering guilt, I see a man that I no longer love and wish I could, but I cannot, there is nothing left for me to love in him, my friend has said it, she came one evening before I left and collected me and took me to her house, she then came to see me five months after I had gone and stated I was back to the person I always was.

I loved this man deeply, I suppose it is hitting me that I am no longer in love with him and I am trying to rationalise it, he is a smart wonderful, kind, generous handsome man, but all I see is a raging bull.

I am writing aimlessly, more so to read it back to myself, to ensure that I am no longer in love with him, business aside, I cannot own his anger, that is his to deal with and I have a decent level of emotional intelligence, but I feel as though I am falling back.

He is also still close to my friends and my children.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:34 PM CST Anger.
bluebelle4000
bluebelle4000bluebelle4000Meath, Ireland46 Threads 6,001 Posts
Hi there

I agree with Nuala.... the thing is the split was fairly reasonable and he is angry but that is his issue not yours and u cant take that on... its like being a crutch.... unless u want to be one which i doubt you do...

anger is one of the hardest things to deal with as he will always blame you ... u have to look at it logically... its his anger.. not yours.. if he allows the anger to consume him it will bury him but thats still his issue NOT YOURS........ he is an adult with a brain he has to take control of his own life at some point..and lets be honest.. grow up.. . and after a year its time to do that... the realistion will dawn eventually but in the meantime if u can carry on as u are then do so with no lunches, coffee etc as nuala suggested...

JMO and i truely wish you the very best...
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:36 PM CST Anger.
keytone
keytonekeytonePortland, Oregon USA36 Threads 3 Polls 1,686 Posts
Dear Sommer

After reading your post I take it that he is a major share holder? yet i also see that you mentioned you were worried about compromising him if you were to branch out?
If the above is true I would surely make sure you are covered. It sounds like the transactions you experience with him are not productive be it buisness or other. I would suggest putting yourself in a position where you don't have to participate in any transactions with the guy period. If that is possible you may have a more happy exsistence, you seem like a happy person and well educated,,,I think you deserve a better future. I hope this helps a little.
;-}
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:36 PM CST Anger.
ladyheart
ladyheartladyheartwasaga beach, Ontario Canada3 Threads 191 Posts
Sommerauer71: Hi all.

Thought I would run this by you smart cookies.

As I have belly ached enough about it, I have been alone for a year. My ex is also my business partner.

Whilst I reside in Austria, we still maintain a high level of contact and since being back in the UK for the summer, we have had contact, dinner and coffee and meetings and so on.

However, and this brings me to the thread title, he is angry at me, when it was a mutual split, we sold our house, we split the proceeds, we kept the business running as it would have been professional suicide if we had given that up, but his anger is so apparent, he is nasty to me, blames me for all that he has suffered over the last year, he will not reason, I cannot talk to him and I think the world of him, professionally I am stuck with it, unless I branch out alone, which would compromise him and I think I am feeling trapped.

I am at a loss, I have looked at the business as he has the majority shareholding, I can see that he has done nothing, our office is a mess and the staff are bewildered, I have managed to pacify our secretary who bless her took him out for dinner to talk to him and he sat there in silence, he is meeting his work commitments, his cleaner has stated that he has changed and that he is moody and she cannot talk to him and I am worried, but then I have to protect myself.

How do I deal with the anger, I have been away a year, I have reinvested cash into the business when I first left to boost the cash flow so that he did not have to draw down from his IRA, I have done all I can.

I remove myself from the situation, he comes back with more anger, it really is spiteful and mean. I feel he resents my new life, I do think it is harder for the one left behind, I have suggested he returns to the US, to be near his family, but he refuses, leave the town where we lived, he refuses, I did suggest six months ago that he come out to me for a break, he refused.

Where do I go guys?

Anybody else, ever had an angry partner or ex that there was no reasoning with?

What do you all think, all views appreciated.

Many thanks.



hi there

from what you wrote sounds like hes still in love with you or doesnt know how to deal with the situation of your seperation without anger and being mean. beleive me he isnt the only one out there like that. lots of people dont know how to deal with there feelings. doesnt he even try to talk to you about it? have you tried to talk to him ab out it? if it doesnt get any better, what are you prepared to do? theres not much advice i can give you as to i dont have a clue what this is all about. i wish you all the best and good luck. personally i dont think luck has anything to do with it. comfort
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:37 PM CST Anger.
nuala
nualanualadublin, Dublin Ireland12 Threads 6,456 Posts
Sommerauer71: Thank you Nuala, you know, I left the country to get away from him, I had to, it was dragging me to a level that made me fearful, he and I met at a conference four years ago and that guy was having his girl.

After a long year, just being me, I feel I have reached a plateau with me as a person, his emotional level was so intense and he did support me in my relocation overseas, I think you are right, I am suffering guilt, I see a man that I no longer love and wish I could, but I cannot, there is nothing left for me to love in him, my friend has said it, she came one evening before I left and collected me and took me to her house, she then came to see me five months after I had gone and stated I was back to the person I always was.

I loved this man deeply, I suppose it is hitting me that I am no longer in love with him and I am trying to rationalise it, he is a smart wonderful, kind, generous handsome man, but all I see is a raging bull.

I am writing aimlessly, more so to read it back to myself, to ensure that I am no longer in love with him, business aside, I cannot own his anger, that is his to deal with and I have a decent level of emotional intelligence, but I feel as though I am falling back.

He is also still close to my friends and my children.


Well is always important to talk it out and as you say its to help you read back, so that is taking steps to move away from him emotionally. Just keep believing in yourself and always remind yourself he is part of your past and leave him there.....as far your business connection you can still keep that going but on your terms....hug
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:38 PM CST Anger.
bodleing
bodleingbodleingGreater Manchester, England UK238 Threads 8 Polls 13,810 Posts
Your business sounds doomed to me if
you cant resolve these issues.
Keeping most businesses afloat these
days requires total dedication and
harmony from within.
I have had many business partners over
the last 35 years, if the partnership is
in trouble the business will suffer.
I dont know, but i sounds like resentment
on the part of your ex, this could be extremely
damaging to your business, many have fallen
by the wayside for similar reasons.
My advice would be to find a way out as soon
as possible, even if it means taking a loss,
maybe you just need to finally cut your ties.

Good luck anyway.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:39 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
cristina: I think you said somewhere that he was with someone for 3 years with whom he fell in love while with you and that you were ok with it. Taking that into account, i think that your ex-husband/partner is jealous that you were strong to decide a new life for yourself. Not that he deep down there may want you back, he, like many men when realising that their ex life is flowing, is trying to sabotage you and your emotions. He wants you weak because after such a divorce, men seem to have more existential problems than women...many doubts etc, even if they wanted to split so badly.
I think that it's important for him to keep you down because of the split. I once had to pretend that i was much more down than i actually was, just to be left alone.

Partnership. Ruining the business is part of his sabotage. Not that he want's to destroy everything but that he knows that you will have no head for other stuff in your new life but to worry about the business. He knows you won't let it fall apart, so he wants to keep you busy with it.
I suggest you open your own branch.


Hi Cristina

This is my ex partner not my my ex husband. Apologies for the confusion, no that relationship is all ok, my ex partner is not the father of my children.

Thank you for your insight, him sabotaging the business is something that he would not do, it is his livelihood, something that has been very dear to him.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head though, when i met him I was very broken from my marriage, he picked me up, took care of me and helped to repair me, he did everything, then I began to get stronger and then he would end the relationship and reduce me to a wreck again, although that was my fault for letting him.

I suppose, I need to do as Nuala says and take back the power, he is away at the moment, otherwise he is only around the corner from me, he would be here, but I have to address this, if I walk away, I cost him money and that would kill him, he would never forgive me, if I continue then it may well be ok, once I return to Austria.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:43 PM CST Anger.
cristina
cristinacristinaLisbon, North Holland Netherlands286 Threads 10 Polls 17,243 Posts
Sommerauer71: Hi Cristina

This is my ex partner not my my ex husband. Apologies for the confusion, no that relationship is all ok, my ex partner is not the father of my children.

Thank you for your insight, him sabotaging the business is something that he would not do, it is his livelihood, something that has been very dear to him.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head though, when i met him I was very broken from my marriage, he picked me up, took care of me and helped to repair me, he did everything, then I began to get stronger and then he would end the relationship and reduce me to a wreck again, although that was my fault for letting him.

I suppose, I need to do as Nuala says and take back the power, he is away at the moment, otherwise he is only around the corner from me, he would be here, but I have to address this, if I walk away, I cost him money and that would kill him, he would never forgive me, if I continue then it may well be ok, once I return to Austria.


Ok sweetie, case closed thenlaugh

hug
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:44 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
bodleing: Your business sounds doomed to me if
you cant resolve these issues.
Keeping most businesses afloat these
days requires total dedication and
harmony from within.
I have had many business partners over
the last 35 years, if the partnership is
in trouble the business will suffer.
I dont know, but i sounds like resentment
on the part of your ex, this could be extremely
damaging to your business, many have fallen
by the wayside for similar reasons.
My advice would be to find a way out as soon
as possible, even if it means taking a loss,
maybe you just need to finally cut your ties.

Good luck anyway.


Thank you.

Having returned and seen the mess he is in and the office, I am inclined to agree with you, he is clearly not coping. With the business, he is meeting his contracts and those projects have been finalised and there are new ones coming in, the turnover is healthy, just that he has not the time to invest into the office and I feel guilty that I have been away, still working for the business, I ahve ben back and working at our office, keeping the staff motivated, but their morale is low and if they go he is totally on his own.

I have recovered the staff, they have some faith in me, but he is barking at them, rude, and hardly there.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:44 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
bodleing: Your business sounds doomed to me if
you cant resolve these issues.
Keeping most businesses afloat these
days requires total dedication and
harmony from within.
I have had many business partners over
the last 35 years, if the partnership is
in trouble the business will suffer.
I dont know, but i sounds like resentment
on the part of your ex, this could be extremely
damaging to your business, many have fallen
by the wayside for similar reasons.
My advice would be to find a way out as soon
as possible, even if it means taking a loss,
maybe you just need to finally cut your ties.

Good luck anyway.


Thank you.

Having returned and seen the mess he is in and the office, I am inclined to agree with you, he is clearly not coping. With the business, he is meeting his contracts and those projects have been finalised and there are new ones coming in, the turnover is healthy, just that he has not the time to invest into the office and I feel guilty that I have been away, still working for the business, I ahve ben back and working at our office, keeping the staff motivated, but their morale is low and if they go he is totally on his own.

I have recovered the staff, they have some faith in me, but he is barking at them, rude, and hardly there.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:44 PM CST Anger.
cristina
cristinacristinaLisbon, North Holland Netherlands286 Threads 10 Polls 17,243 Posts
Sommerauer71: Hi Cristina

This is my ex partner not my my ex husband. Apologies for the confusion, no that relationship is all ok, my ex partner is not the father of my children.

Thank you for your insight, him sabotaging the business is something that he would not do, it is his livelihood, something that has been very dear to him.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head though, when i met him I was very broken from my marriage, he picked me up, took care of me and helped to repair me, he did everything, then I began to get stronger and then he would end the relationship and reduce me to a wreck again, although that was my fault for letting him.

I suppose, I need to do as Nuala says and take back the power, he is away at the moment, otherwise he is only around the corner from me, he would be here, but I have to address this, if I walk away, I cost him money and that would kill him, he would never forgive me, if I continue then it may well be ok, once I return to Austria.


Ok sweetie, case closed thenlaugh

hug
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:44 PM CST Anger.
ladyheart
ladyheartladyheartwasaga beach, Ontario Canada3 Threads 191 Posts
keytone: Dear Sommer

After reading your post I take it that he is a major share holder? yet i also see that you mentioned you were worried about compromising him if you were to branch out?
If the above is true I would surely make sure you are covered. It sounds like the transactions you experience with him are not productive be it buisness or other. I would suggest putting yourself in a position where you don't have to participate in any transactions with the guy period. If that is possible you may have a more happy exsistence, you seem like a happy person and well educated,,,I think you deserve a better future. I hope this helps a little.
;-}


hey keytone great advice. thats what i was saying what is she prepared to do about it but didnt want to be that blunt. applause thumbs up
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:45 PM CST Anger.
jampet
jampetjampetwexford, Wexford Ireland28 Threads 1 Polls 2,549 Posts
sommer- if these changes you mention , are recent, is it possible he is depressed-? he may have realised that things are final - may have been labouring under the impression that things would work themselves out after a separation, and the reality that you are settled and happy, is getting to him. could you suggest that he speaks to someone close to him ( not you, as he couldnt be honest). it would be a shame if it jeopardises your friedship and business.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:47 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
keytone: Dear Sommer

After reading your post I take it that he is a major share holder? yet i also see that you mentioned you were worried about compromising him if you were to branch out?
If the above is true I would surely make sure you are covered. It sounds like the transactions you experience with him are not productive be it buisness or other. I would suggest putting yourself in a position where you don't have to participate in any transactions with the guy period. If that is possible you may have a more happy exsistence, you seem like a happy person and well educated,,,I think you deserve a better future. I hope this helps a little.
;-}


Hi Keytone

He is the majority shareholder yes, but I bring in 50% of the turnover, without me, he loses half of his turnover, I do have my status to protect, it sounds corny, but we serve on boards jointly and we are directors of another company and I do not want to panic them. Given the current climate, plus I have a team who have been loyal to me and have mortgages and young families, I feel as their employer that I should do what I can and that means me not walking away.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:51 PM CST Anger.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria133 Threads 4 Polls 12,414 Posts
jampet: sommer- if these changes you mention , are recent, is it possible he is depressed-? he may have realised that things are final - may have been labouring under the impression that things would work themselves out after a separation, and the reality that you are settled and happy, is getting to him. could you suggest that he speaks to someone close to him ( not you, as he couldnt be honest). it would be a shame if it jeopardises your friedship and business.


I think he is truly depressed Jampet, I contacted his oldest friend in the US who flew over two weeks ago to spend the week with him and then my ex lost his wallet, I spent the day looking for it, his friend came around and told me that since he has known him, he has been like this. But the blame, the hatred he spits at me is pretty awful.

I find it so sad that a smart, intelligent man is reduced to this and I am the blame for it, in his eyes.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Aug 11, 2008 12:52 PM CST Anger.
cristina
cristinacristinaLisbon, North Holland Netherlands286 Threads 10 Polls 17,243 Posts
The relevant question now seems to be: how to save the business?

Yes he is depressed.
No he does not want to ruin the business. Then you will have to lead it, keep covering, motivating the staff as you are doing. If you don't love him anymore, you might be in a better position than he is as to have energy like you seem to have after the split. So, suggest you lead the business while he tries to recover.
You will have to postponed living your life for one more year or so if this business is so very important.


gift
------ This thread is Archived ------
Post Comment - Post a comment on this Forum Thread

This Thread is Archived

This Thread is archived, so you will no longer be able to post to it. Threads get archived automatically when they are older than 3 months.

« Go back to All Threads
Message #318

Stats for this Thread

1,545 Views
41 Comments
by Sommerauer71 (133 Threads)
in Advice
Created: Aug 2008
Last Viewed: 7 hrs ago
Last Commented: Aug 2008

Share this Thread

We use cookies to ensure that you have the best experience possible on our website. Read Our Privacy Policy Here