Have You Been Affected By.. ( Archived) (9)

Wow,kodi,that is a powerful story and you write so elegently.I am sorry you had to endure such pain.Time does heal the pain but it never goes away.I never really knew the man i called daddy,sure i lived with him till i was 16 and my parents divorced,but i was scared of him growing up and that is sad for a daughter to say.I did not allow myself to get close to him,and i cannot tell you why,i regret so much.My dad had just retired from the national guard,i had respect for him as i do all military,he loved being apart and it made him proud.My dad had been a smoker since i can remember,and he had emphysema,it got to the point where he could not walk to the mailbox anymore,he would have to drive.Plus i think he was lonely,he lived alone and i think he missed his commradery(sp)with the guys in his platoon that he had been with for years.His ex-girlfriend that had been with him for years,she would always come by and check on him,even though they were not together anymore,she still cared for him,well,she told me ( a few days after they found my dad)that the night before she went to check on him and he was asking her if she was seeing someone else and she said "you know i had to move on and find someone that loves me",and my dad said"i dont have any body to love me".My dad was not an affectionate man,to us kids he always joked or aggravated us to show his love,so she finally left him and she says he never said he loved her.I think my dad kinda planned this cause he would go hungry so he could put the extra money in the bank for his funeral,so i was told,I,being the oldest had to take care of everything,from handling his funeral to hiring lawyers because of the land and property he left behind.It went by so quick,i didnt have a moment to think,if i could go back now i would have changed things,but i think my dad would have been happy with the way his funeral turned out.My dad sit there for 2 days before anybody found him,and i had to have him cremated,the hardest day of my life is when i went to pick up his ashes.I really broke down at that moment.I miss him,i lived about 4 hours away from him and didnt get the chance to go home often,and i feel alot of guilt for that.The strange thing is i became obsessed with his things,i had to make sure that i got everything that meant something to him,i even made sure i got his army boots with dirty socks still in them and still today they are not washed and in an old storage locker of my dads,along with his uniforms.Time has passed and i dont dwell on it like i did,now and again it hits me,i might hear a song that reminds me of him,but my days are better,i did have to go on depression medicine for a while,still today,i think about death more often than usual,it haunted me for a long time,and still does on occasion.I prayed often that i hope he is in heaven,but only god knows his heart and what went on with him that night.I also got the shotgun he used and the stick he used to prop on the trigger and the old shells he used,i dont know why i was so obsessed to have those things,i cant make since of it.I make the trip home twice a year to make sure he has flowers on his grave,but that is the least i can do!!!!