diggadavo Forum Posts (355)

RE: Friday Funnies

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World

RE: Friday Funnies

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the wood to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her " If you release me from this trap , I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers ONLY: Please scroll down.









The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!! Moral of the story: Women aren't as clever as they think they are! Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this it only goes to show you never bloody listen!

RE: Friday Funnies

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "
I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out then returned a few moments later with a beautiful tabby cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from
its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. $36,300! she cried.
$36,300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $36;40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

RE: Friday Funnies

There were two blondes (of course) females putting up timber siding on a house. One had the nail bag and hammer and the second was holding the boards for nailing. Blonde 1 (B1) with the nail bag would pull a nail out of the bag, look at it and then either use it or throw it away. Blonde 2 (B2) said to B1 "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" B1 replied, "I check the nails when I pull them out of the bag and when I find one that been made backwards with the head on the wrong end I throw it away as it is no good!" B2 tells her firend, "You are very foolish, there is nothing wrong with those nails, they are for the other side of the house!!"

RE: Friday Funnies

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar. The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey,"
replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in andout of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!", said the duck in reply. So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had.

RE: Friday Funnies

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work; mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

RE: Five Words

OOPS, temporarily took leave of

RE: Friday Funnies

Q. Whats got 6 legs and goes around and around in circles in the padock?

A. A ram doing a ewie.

RE: Friday Funnies

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my #####," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

RE: Friday Funnies

Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son

RE: Friday Funnies

Michael and Patrick, walking past the employment office saw a sign. WORK AVAILABLE--TREE FELLERS WANTED Said Patrick to Michael, "If Saun had come with us we could have got that job".

RE: Friday Funnies

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

RE: Friday Funnies

A man comes home from work on a friday sits in his favorite chair and says to his wife "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"so with a puzzeled look on her face say gets him a beer. The guy finishes his beer and says "get me a beer before it all starts will ya"she gets him another beer and goes back to preparing dinner . The guy finishes his second beer and yell agian"get me a beer before it all starts will ya" The wife has had enough and comes and in yelling and curseing at him ÿou have done nothing since you got home, The guy turns to her and says "looks like its started"

RE: Friday Funnies

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance,if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating,she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire,with scissors shoved deeply into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his rear end.
Further studies are expected

RE: Five Words

Going downhill quick

RE: Five Words

RE: Friday Funnies

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

RE: Friday Funnies

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around The room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, Eating.
Marty asks," Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave Yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

RE: Five Words

RE: Five Words

Or even worse still might

RE: Five Words

Everything you say makes sense Mr. Lookin

RE: Five Words

gets a Merry Xmas present from

PS: I don't consider "a" a word so not 6

RE: Question thread.......

Why is it pesky flies that hover around you disappear as soon as you get the fly spray out?

RE: vertigo - anyone suffer from it

Nah mate, a youngish couple bought it and are doing it up to live in. Got workers over there now and have had for a few weeks. be interesting to see the finished product. Old with new..........looks like architecturally designed new.

RE: vertigo - anyone suffer from it

Havin a beer Lookin mate

I've been good thanks cobba can't complain.

Haven't been to the river since I moved here to down town Hexham. Used to hit it weekly prior to moving as it was only 40 minutes away.

RE: Australian Men

NOPE I'm a dud Serene

RE: Australian Men

I've got plenty here if you get stuck

RE: Australian Men

I believe you nomore........I've heard some horror stories as well as experiencing a few myself. Being a wacko isn't gender specific

RE: Missing

She might have found an Irishman

RE: Serene Plays Some Tunes