How do you kill a green elephant? Tell it a dirty joke until it blushes and turns red, then strangle it until it turnsa blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a yellow elephant? Are you nuts or something. There aren't any yellow elephants.
Go to a place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins) White elephants like muffins (with raisins) Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin(with raisins). On the sixth day, you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins) as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins. It will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way you would catch an ordinary grey elephant.
Wot? 'N change the habit of a lifetime. There's too much seriousness in the world as it is.
3 friends die in a car accident, and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, When you are lying in your casket, and your family and friends are filing past you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The fist guy says, I would like them to say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.
The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of the future."
The third guy says, "I would like them to say....'Look. He's moving!'
A guy was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garage which she could see from the bedroom window.
The guy opened the back door to see that there were people in the garage stealing things. He immediately phoned the police who asked, "Is someone in your house?" to which he replied "No" Then the policeman said, that unfortunately all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
The guy said "OK," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage stealing things. Well, you don't have to worry about sending an officer round now, 'cos I've just shot them all."
Within 3 munutes, three police cars, a fully armed SWAT team, two helicopters and an amulance turned up at his front door and caught the burglars red handed.
The police officer in charge said to the guy, "I thought you said you'd shot them all?"
The guy replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
A young Franciscan monk who had just spent three years at University studying the Scriptures was given a post at the Vatican in Rome. He knocked on the door of the Cardinal in charge to ask what his duties would be, to be told that he would be responsible fro the update, copying and distribution of the Holy Bible. He was told to report at 7 0' clock the following morning to begin his task. At 8 0' clock a knock came on the Cardinals door. "Enter" The young monk came in and asked the Cardinal where the original Scriptures where stored, and as he was a perfectionist in his work, if he would be permitted to use the original writings to make his copiescopies from the original works,and asked the Cardinal if the previous copies had been based on the originals. the Cardinal said, "Oh no. The originals were too delicate to be used continuously, so copies had been made word for word down the centuries but just this once, i will permit it. "Couldn't any mistakes have been made by using these methods?" Asked the monk. "Of course not. Everythihg was checked carefully." The Cardinal agreed, but warned him to have the utmost care, as the Scrolls where over 2000 years old and in a fragile state. Three days later, the Cardinal and his secretary decided to go and see how the young monk was progressing. When they found him, he was surrounded by reams and reams of paper, and crying his heart out. "What is wrong my son?" asked the Cardinal. "Idiots." Sobbed the monk. IDIOTS. The word was celibate CELIBATE!"
I'm with you there. I don't feel like scrolling through pages and pages of threads. Maybe if you can't find it, the MODs might have blocked and withdrawn it for some reason.
uk1971 Forum Posts (2,429)
WEEKEND THREAD
If you're up late and feeling a little disorientated, then do your flies up and grab a coffee