There are various reasons why someone remains friends with their ex or exes. I remain friends with my ex because we have kids together. I would never again be involved with him romantically. Yet, I still go to his home to hang out with the kids. We watch movies together and we even have dinner or BBQ's on weekends! Wow big deal!
The query really lies within the person who questions it: Are they a non-trusting, jealous type? Why is it such a big deal to be friends with an ex and who is the new person to question it? Maybe they should be questioning themselves, to see if they're ready for a serious relationship?
IMO, it's perfectly fine to be "friends" with an ex. There is no sense is making someone else's life miserable, due to the insecurities the new person has. That's just immature and that puts reservations in starting any type of relationship with that new person.
Think about healing before placing yourself on a site.
I met a man that I started having feelings for - come to find out he had horrible issues that stemmed from his mothers horrible ways of raising him to his ex wives cheating on him - in essence he turned to hurt me emotionally.
It's not fair to others that are able to heal fast or have no pain - to be among those that dwell and can't move past.
We've all hurt, we've all received bad news, pain - you have to remember who's in charge. You. Not the pain, not the person that caused pain. Whatever situation it was - you technically allowed this pain in your life. Our minds and bodies are capable of taking a lot.
With everything I've been through - I always say "my glass is full."
I'm just a happy optimist. You should not allow anything to bring you down.
When you were younger you had less experience and less expectations. As we grow up and experience more relationships - we start to see that there are many characteristics of an individual we can tolerate and thus be bothered by.
The hurt - we can generally brush off, but, we move about with caution and make sure the next person doesnt hurt us the same way. A new type of hurt adds to the list of what to be cautioned with. The more experience, the more we can identify the red flags. The lonely - we feel temporarily, or until we realize we're not happy with ourselves. Then we find ourselves, become happy with ourselves and await to be a wonderful companion to the one who finds us and that we're attracted to. The settle for less - is actually a question of if we're able to compromise. We have it in our minds that we wont accept certain things - but, if that person had most of everything else we're looking for - we actually can settle, possibly with a hope of "change" in mind.
Your smoking example is a perfect example of change: I dated someone that smoked. I didn't at the time but, used to many years ago. I unfortunately picked up the habit while with him, but, kept it to about 2 cigarettes a day. Good man, good heart...but, then something was uncovered - he was a closet alcoholic and I broke up with him. When someone slurs and can't walk day after day...there's a bigger problem than the alcohol. He didn't want help. Would I compromise on having "that" situation around my kids and for the rest of my life? No. Smoking is a habit that anyone can change. You can start it up or completely quit. No one should actually change anyone, but, if the person can reason with logic, that smoking shortens the life expectancy with you as their partner...wouldn't you consider that change with how much love they want to have with you long term?
It just really depends on who's also an accepting person and who is a compromising person.
Becoming incompatible is a rarity. You would have to enclose yourself and avoid the world. Unlearn everything you've learned. I don't think that's in your nature, as you're here asking for advice. Be patient. She's closer than you think. Or try another dating site, sometimes a temporary change of environment helps.
If you need a few recommendations - I can give them to you off forum.
You can only help those who help themselves, Vulpine. Eventually, you drag people along wondering what is happening behind you not knowing you're causing the damage. Words can cause just as much damage.
Siaka - doesn't realize he's using generalizations. He doesn't understand the harm being caused by not thinking of what words to use. I think he can understand me just fine. And, if not, his fingertips are already on the keyboard right there to Google the "dictionary".
The whole hate thing bothers me because I've been accused of it with no one ever asking if I have dated ethnic men and that I just have a preference now.
It doesn't mean I wouldn't ever consider it again. Experiences make people make the decisions they make (haha). I've made my mind up on my preferences too. Ultimately, I think it's what is supposed to make one completely happy, otherwise you go back to the drawing board and figure things out again. Write a new plan. So far...my plan works.
Kurt, Most people tend to like the idea of having a good person in their life, but grew up having the ones that treat them like dirt. So all they know, usually, is having that person treat them badly. So a pattern is created and they continue attracting the same type of person to themselves over and over. When they think they want the good person and get them, they have no idea what to do with them really and the excitement of chaos and negativity is not present - so they become the person that treats like dirt.
It's a realy wonder if anyone out there is truly "mentally fit" to date and hold a lastling relationship. So much scarring, so much heartache, so much deceit...yet we all go back out there with fear of not wanting to go too fast or fully dived in ready to get hurt again - like we know the drill. But, yet we still hope for the right person.
It's one of the reasons I now look for exactly what I want. I might as well get hurt by someone that is my every desire...or maybe I'll get exactly who I want and see if my "needle in a haystack" search/theory provides me with a stable, well adjusted and handsome man.
Polarbutterfly, You need time to heal. The only thing that does that is talking and being ready for that change in your life. Focus on you, get out, get chores done and keep your mind off whatever is causing you that much pain.
I've been there too, everyone has. The process is different for everyone. The pain levels are different for everyone. Just remember that no one and nothing should ever cause any or that much pain in your life.
We're in charge of ourselves and how others treat us.
We're adults - we should be able to fall in love whenever we feel comfortable with that person. Say it when it comes to mind.
If you haven't heard it from them and feel the need to express yourself - cushion the delivery with something like "I know you might think it's a bit early in the relationship, but..." or "I really feel the need to say something, something you may not be ready to say yourself..and that's okay..."
There are no rules in love. Rules restrict and people get out of hand with all the little rules and date game playing. Who made up that rule to call after 3 days? Who said you can't fall in love right away? What works for some will not work for others. Sorry, but when speaking about love and the do's and don'ts, this is not a majority rules society - unless polictics or laws are concerned, then majority rules. The heart claims the love department.
How do you tell grown ups to grow up? Oh yeah...communication.
You should be able to speak freely at all times. You should be able to have someone be receptive to your communication. If its something they're not ready to hear, then they should be able to communicate that back to you. And/or, maybe they need time or maybe they're not the one.
But, most often people feel fear in stating their feelings because of rejection.
At times it proves a point and gives you a clear indication of where you are in a relationship. In my eyes, many people are horrible communicators and never say what they want or what they mean. They bounce around constantly and avoid clear communication just so they won't get hurt or use it as a way to get out of what they said. An ability to twist their own words. Clever - but, never smarter than the truth.
Kids surprisingly have great intuition. I have my kids look at photos first of the guy and then read their profile. If they say no - mom says no.
1. They want me to be happy and to be with someone they know I would find attractive. 2. They're looking to be happy and want the right step dad.
I'm not sure about family members, it would depend on how close and around they are to you. I would of course listen to their input. Maybe they can see something you're missing. As they say, "Love is blind." So another set of eyes and ears can always help.
cinnamongyrl Forum Posts (26)
RE: Do u think being friends with an EX is right?
There are various reasons why someone remains friends with their ex or exes. I remain friends with my ex because we have kids together. I would never again be involved with him romantically. Yet, I still go to his home to hang out with the kids. We watch movies together and we even have dinner or BBQ's on weekends! Wow big deal!The query really lies within the person who questions it: Are they a non-trusting, jealous type? Why is it such a big deal to be friends with an ex and who is the new person to question it? Maybe they should be questioning themselves, to see if they're ready for a serious relationship?
IMO, it's perfectly fine to be "friends" with an ex. There is no sense is making someone else's life miserable, due to the insecurities the new person has. That's just immature and that puts reservations in starting any type of relationship with that new person.