I love alcohol! No...not for me...but, in others!
I love that something verbally slipped (under the influence) and he said "I do want kids" - regardless of what he knew I was looking for in a long term partner. Alas, the truth comes out...again, just add Jesus juice.
So whats the big deal anyway? Why can't men just say what is truth? Why can't they answer the questions honestly without saying I'm not sure or I dont know? This is a reoccuring problem of saying one thing at first and then something thereafter.
I asked Reed if he "ever" wanted kids in his life or ever wanted to have them and he originally said, "If God says he doesn't want me to have kids I'm okay with that. It's in HIS hands. It's not a need for me to have kids." That unclear response cost me time and effort...well, time at least. I usually don't apply effort unless I know for sure. So see! I didn't waste effort in trying to do anything extra for him.
If I have a sense that something is there...then you get effort. Now that I know he wants kids - I don't want to even talk to him sweetly anymore. I can be his friend and do stuff...but, no more smooching! I'm done. Reed wanted kids and just didn't tell me. Now he's calling me and texting me and wondering why I don't respond. Soon I'll have to tell him I don't want to see him anymore because I don't want to stand in his way of having them.
This sucks!
But, moving on now....
Kendall seems nice. He better answer the questions I ask correctly or else!
Why?
Why does it bother me so much? Too many people that blog cannot spell or use proper grammar.
I become frustrated and pass right over these blogs. I decide not to even look at the person’s profile. I'm not being mean. I'm very serious to the fact that there are too many typos, misuse of words like: they're, their and there. Or LIAR spelled LIER. Accept or Except? Then or Than. Decisions, decisions.
We're all adults. We should have all learned the same curriculum in every grade from Kindergarten to our senior year of High School. When did we become so lazy, spell words phonetically and forget the English language? When did phonetics take over rather than utilizing the Merriam-Webster's Dictionary?
It actually saddens me to see that even with all our technology, no one has taken the time to spell check their work. You're on a computer, please do us all a favor and type your post on MS Word, spell check it and
then post it.
It's just a thought - maybe it's something that bothers me a bit more than others? But, when a man contacts me and wants to chat and know me - I look at it as an opportunity to do just that, chat and find if there is compatibility between us. I'm not looking to have my thoughts jump ahead and wonder if he could be the one. One step at a time folks!
The excitement in email #2, should be relaxed and toned down. In other words..."Oh hey, hi! How are you doing? I'm so glad you responded baby..." should not be something that is disclosed - as it seems desperate and clingy. My responding to your intial email makes it seem like someone actually gave you the time of day in responding to who knows how many mass emails you sent out to different women. It's a numbers game right?
Well - when I receive the excited response along with calling me baby and/or honey...I get a little weary in responding the second time. It's not to be picky...but is. Why on earth would anyone do that? You don't know me enough to call me pet names!
I'm a honest and courteous person and I respond to everyone. Whether they like my response or not. Attraction is key and if I'm not attracted I say so. If I feel that our backgrounds wouldn't mesh well...I say so. I don't run or hide and delete emails people send because I'm a low individual with "people are beneath me" standards. I look at everything realistically and logically and base my decision on content and what words you chose to utilize in your profiles.
I'm not better than you - and you're not better than me. We should be considered equals in a sense.
But, the pet names? And, getting all excited? Is a major no-no. Don't assume all women like it. Please don't assume I like it, because I don't. That's why I'm blogging it...to give you a clue.
and neither do long distance relationships.
Actually, I don't find that people are really trustworthy these days. There are too many characters out there looking for the bigger better deal. Too many men (I've encountered) looking for the next notch on their belt or bed frame or whatever. But, once I ask my questions, I pretty much know what they want.
It's cool. If you're that type of person then more power to you. It's just not what I want. And, we all want what we want...yes?
But, if you think that overseas relationships and long distance relationships can work - haha, don't be surprised to hear that the person you're seeing is also seeing someone else or worse, many more others. These people know how many they can handle.
So there was this guy who contacted me, he said he read my profile and that he lived overseas. I think he said he lived in Germany, but said he was from South Africa or something like that. He travels for work. He complimented me on several of my pictures and said he would be coming to the states in 6 months and if I would like to meet him. "Why?” I thought, "If he read my profile, he would know what I wanted - and that it wasn't him. I wonder if he thinks he can sway my decision...let's see", I continue to think.
Of course - I run down my list of criteria and no, he's not what I want. So just to make sure, I ask him: How tall are you? 5'9" What is the most important thing to you in your life? "A woman, if I had one" he says. Then he continues down the list "...my job, my kids..." STOP! "Oh how many kids do you have?" I ask.
He says he doesn’t have any and wants kids. "Oh, really how many do you imagine having, IF you find the right woman of course?” I say.
He says, "I want two."
I then proceed to tell him I'm definitely not the woman for him. He wants kids and I would be a waste of time or a stepping stone to his next woman. And, Lord knows I don't want to be anyone’s stepping stone...I want to be the last woman to the man that matches me.
As I'm telling him this information, he asks me if I want to be friends with benefits. He asks me if I need any satisfaction. I ponder a bit...well I do have needs...but, I would rather have myself all stitched up down there than have someone I'm not attracted to and who's not a potential "forever" on top of me.
Wonderful! The truth comes out.
He tells me he can satisfy me in everyway.
I think, "Hahaha, nope, sorry you can't satisfy me in everyway. My gag reflexes would be set off or I'd need a blind fold..."
1. I don't find you attractive. 2. You're not husband material. 3. You want kids, which doesn't match me at all 4. You live overseas anyway...and that will never work out if I want to see you everyday. 5. You're too short for me 6. Did I mention I'm not attracted to you?
There's more to the list...but, why bother typing it all out.
I could add that he approached me exactly as I have stated everyone seems to approach me. With lies. He wanted to appear as though he would be interested in long term and really he just wanted a fling. The friends request was absolutely priceless!
How methodical. If he's capable of doing that...what else is he capable of?
One thing I do know...overseas doesn't work and liars don't work either. I do however, appreciate that the truth came out later. But, what I decided to do with it was my choice ultimately - I chose to walk away from it.
He's now on my blocked list. There's no sense of "that" resurfacing its ugly head. And, he's better off not hearing anymore rejections from me.
I'm looking forward to seeing Reed. It'll be our seventh date tomorrow. We decided to watch the game and have snacks.
The last time I was with someone was Nov 2. and that date may not be correct - it could be Oct just before Halloween. I remember dissolving my relationship with Roman because he wasn't serious about me after all. After 6 mos you can tell where a relationship is headed. In my case I knew after 5 1/2 mos. The answer was: nowhere. So I told him I couldn't have things the way they were and I didn't contact him anymore.
Some guys would read my profile and tell me I was too picky. My friends would tell me I was to picky. But, no one ever asked me why I became this way. It wasn't something I've always been. It was something I did over night. But, apparently, everyone felt that I just needed to bend and give someone (anyone) and everyone a chance. And, that I didn't want to do anymore.
Would you force your children to eat meat if they insisted on being vegan?
I wanted things clearer for myself. I sat down and wrote everything I wanted about "him". I knew I would bend a little but, not much and I composed my list. Height, looks, etc. Shallow? Perhaps. But, anyone that says they're not is a liar!
As for me, I no longer wanted to accept just anyone that entered my life. No more drug users, no more indecisive men and no more anger, bad communicators, etc. I opened my eyes and placed my list on my profile and waited.
One by one - they come toward me. My criteria made things so much clearer and easier. I'd hear them out, read their profiles. One thing off and there would be a reason to end conversation. No settling. Two full months pass; just talking to the same type of men who "didn't know what he wanted" or just wanted to "see where things went". Answers much TOO vague for me. People know. Who walks through life not knowing what they want or who would make them happy? You either shyt or get off the pot, that's what I was told and that is what I live by. Know who you are and what you want from yourself and life..and go get it.
He came into my life when I wanted to turn away from dating. I became overly focused on work and school. I took a night off and went over to a friends house. In my sadness, I stated my thoughts on my never getting married, not because I didn't want to - but, because no one I wanted was behaving as though marriage would even be consideration. My friends told me to change my pattern of thinking and began paraphrasing from the book, The Secret. I read it already. That evening I did change my thoughts. I drove home thinking and saying so passionately, that I was going to find my dream man and he will have everything I want from my list and everything I needed from a man and he will be my future husband. 8 mins home, 8 mins of repeating.
A week after that thought and affirmation, Reed contacted me and we met on the 13th of Jan. We've continually remained in contact and our time spent together feels genuine and not a major conquest to get into my pants. And, even if we heavily petted - the desire to hold off is amazingly strong. The strange thing is the more I get to know him, the more he is exactly like that of my list. He falls into every single desire and more; exceeding my expectations so far. I'm enjoying the details. He's a well blended man. Masculine, yet just enough femininity to know he's comfortable with himself. The candles all over his home - drive me crazy about him!
I'm still sitting back and watching it all transpire. My own little love movie, happening right in front of me. This SuperBowl Sunday is going to be another test for me - but, I know I want to fail. Date 7 will be my lucky number.
But, that's another blog maybe for Monday.
I'm very happy now knowing that Reed is an amazing person in my life. I'm enthusiastic that he responded he was looking for marriage too but, I'm especially excited that we're equally yoked.
I guess when we're looking to find that special person; communication goes a long way. We listen for key words that trigger thoughts, memories of past and/or we hear patterns we like or try to avoid.
There is a "method to our madness"!
In many ways we like the comforts of singledom - yet desire that closeness we have during companionship. So how do we know they're the one? How do we determine the legits from the fakes? How do we know if we're actually ready to be a partner ourselves, if we keeping running from people and what they say and not giving them the time of day?
I've often thought that the process should just be simple. We talk, are compatible, like the same things and begin the dating process. Usually it's nice when men are a little bit like that of a caveman - just bonk me on the head, claim me and drag me away by my long hair. Of course, we're past that era and into that modern day mentality of everyone being equal. So why is it still bad for a woman to go after what she likes? I'd hate to assume that we women can't behave in this manner.
Of course there are so many other variables in the equation. We look at things that are important to us. Or maybe they're not important to us...but, we're accepting to them. In a sense - we're settling for something in that "gray" area of love and mate finding.
Then I still have to wonder: Is there really an easy way to anything?
There are not that many elements to the equation: acceptance of looks, character, morals, religion - might be some to name. Maybe, instinctively we're prone to animalistic mating rituals where the male species dances and shows his colors which in turn arouses the senses of the female species.
What is "dating" really all about? I'll never know.
I do know that dating is really not for me - and I dislike it.
I do better as a long-term partner and monogamous lover. But, I am hopeful and keeping an eye and ear open for my future guy.
To finding our mates in 2009.
I used to wonder "What in the world am I getting friend requests for? Isn't this a dating site?"
I understand that there are so many various situations of relationship breakups, hurts, physical pain, mutual breakups, etc.
I know many many people on dating sites are so cautious from previous experiences. It's a big scary ocean out there. Some are trying to find their life long mates, some just like to date and some to find a fling and then another and then another. But, since I placed myself on the market, I started seeing more and more of this "I'd like to be friends and know more about you" thing.
So the getting to know: We would chat about ourselves, then exchange email addresses/IM user names chat about our likes and dislikes. If it was decent enough to move on we'd exchange phone numbers and chat late in the night to see how our voices sounded and talk til 1 or 2am. And, if it was still worthy of moving on, we would meet for a simple cup of coffee and take it from there, gradually continuing the process of getting to know. How quaint and charming is that?
In all my on and off years of dating, when the scenario came about of him wanting to know who I was and wanting to be my friend, it was basically a way for the guy to get out easy. To get to know me, take me out like we're dating (shouldn't friends pay for themselves?) and then if you seem like someone they can be intimate with they make their moves. One foot in the door and the other still outside, just in case they have to run. HAHA That is hi-larious! Didn't you just say you wanted to get to know me and be friends? So why the switch of mindset on thinking there could be more?? Why say one thing and do another? Didn't any family member teach you the importance of keeping your word? Ohhh - what you say doesn't really hold value. So you speak in roundabouts or unclear terms because you really don't want me to know what you really want from me? Is that what that means?
Well, I'm one up on you - friend seekers. I have no time and will pass you by. Once that word comes around me in any email or IM - THAT is all you will ever get from me. I can and will now, only be your friend. I'll be supportive and encouraging and say positive things to you. I'll always tell you the truth whether you like it or not. But, no kisses or long soft holding. No physical anything. And, here's the best part: I still get to look for my husband! But isn't that what you asked for? To be friends?
I'm not here to be your mommy and band-aid your little wounds from past untrustworthy partners. You need to get over whatever hurts you have and move on. Or, get off this site and stop looking for people to make you feel better. You'll never be a happy person and good for anyone else, unless you love yourself first. Life is full of deceit and you should be able to identify who these people are rather than hide behind a computer from them and create another world of who knows what!
And/or just be a person of your word. If what you want is a fling - then grow some cajones and say that's what you want. "In so many round about ways of wording things" doesn't quite cut it for many people. Communication skills are essential to everyone's survival. You need to clear with what it is you're looking for. You need to speak clear. No one is a mind reader. No one knows what your definition of becoming friends is. But, I do know that the time and effort people spend on wasting each others time and not meeting each others desires can be unscrupulous.
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Does any of this sound familiar? Or was I the last person on earth to be taught on how to have a high level or ethics, morals, principles and integrity. And, be a woman of my word.
As my grandpa Stanley used to say, "Sh** or get off the pot."
I really appreciate all the emails and flowers. Some of the individuals sending me emails do not meet my criteria I've placed on my profile. Which tells me they're not really reading my profile. I have no attraction for younger or older men - I'm looking for closeness in age and someone that will fit what I'm looking for. Keep reading.
I have a huge issue with age. Many people will say it's only a number. That's wonderful you feel that way...but, you can't convince me otherwise to think in this manner. I would not and will not date someone that is even 2 years younger than me and no more than 4-5 years older than me (unless he's serious, has kids, lives within a reasonable distance and I'm attracted to him). I'm not looking to hook up.
I'm looking for my likeness. A clone of myself, if you will, in personality, morals, values, beliefs and I HAVE to be attracted to him. I get the same resonponses everytime - so save your breath. "You'll never find him! You're asking too much" etc, etc. But, you have to realize something. Even though you might be thinking that, that would be unfair to me - because, you're actually saying that I should settle for someone I wouldn't be happy with. If you think my criteria is too high - you should hope that I find him. Or, perhaps you're upset at me because you don't happen to fall in my criteria and you feel that's unfair? I apologize for liking what I like. Real love connections don't happen all the time.
Attraction is a must. Even though I know beauty fades, I want to be able to have that person for as long as I can have them for. Until that beauty turns to wrinkles and old bones.
I'm looking for Assortative Mating...you should look it up.
Being attracted to "him" would be the cat's meow.
Good luck in your search!
cinnamongyrl Blog (8)