longhairedwoman Poetry (6)

A lifetime in stages
Early ones, later ones, now ones
Learning all the time
Changing from moments
Moving and maturing in all ways
All ways that were gleaned
Then ever so suddenly
Comes someone important
One who might slay the dragon
If there is will
Can see into the nucleus
Shining and strong
Not avocation for the faint of heart
Or the faithless
A function left over from early days
Turning back to the child inside
Trying to deny her lingering
The feelings of one so strong
She who is me
Only three times faced
Needing to be favorite, the best, The One
Wanting to be always
I wonder at the connection
One a woman, one a girl
She comes unbidden
Would that she leave me in peace
Embrace her or scorn me
She knows no other way

sometimes one small goal
seen through different blue eyes
prompts the change to start

Another sign of the times
A spirit uplifted, only to be dropped
A promise made, only to be broken
I promised her salvation in the form of an extra hour
They made me break my promise
She sees me as the one who broke it
How can I explain my hands are bound?
How can I defend what they do?
How can I explain why they won't let her be
They set her up to fail and she knows it
Now I know it too
Defending her will go against them
Defending them will go against her
I can only do what I know to be the right thing
I will abide for the time being
How can I go on knowing what they do
I am done here
Sad and disillusioned
But not changed

And some days it seems like it will be enough
The handling of the day
Getting through it and out on the other side
Working one's way down a list
Every check mark an accomplishment
A moment here or there that matters
Moving toward something
Then there are the days less often
The disquieting of the temperament
The yearning for the not-yet known
Regret mixes with possibility at the change
Minutes seems like days
And decisions are made over the course of the thoughts

Everything is love
Soft sheets, food, arms around me
Hold me, hear me, love me

Everything is a mystery
I'm alone, crying, wanting, needing
Why don't they come?

Everything is angry
Stay out of the way, be quiet
Don't cause trouble

Everything is scary
Trick me, blame me, violate me
Don't tell anyone

Everything is painful
How can I go on?
This world is not for me

Everything is calm
Empty, noiseless, automatic
It's easier not to feel things

Everything is business
One foot in front of the other
Make money, pay bills, do laundry

Everything is reconciled
None of it mattered anyway
None of it was important

Everything is resurfacing
Giving love makes me think of getting love
Why was I so unworthy?

Everything is confusing
Feelings bubble, thoughts coalesce
Glimpses of maybe

Everything is thinking
Is it ok to cry, ok to feel again?
Maybe it wasn't me

Everything is looked at anew
Some things can be let go of
Some things remain in my inventory

Everything is love
Soft sheets, food, arms around me
Hold me, hear me, love me

To have come such a long way
One starts to think that one is cured
Of misconceptions and surprise
Starting to get it
Then comes suddenly and maybe
And different means of approaching
And thoughts of other ways of seeing
Through an open window
Occurring and reoccurring
More than a glimpse