I feel gravely ill. Started vomiting up black stuff and huge pain in back and side and abdomen where the other half literally kicked the living hell out of me while I was on the ground on the 2nd. I. At my 2nd of 3 stops and I already called the company and let them know to get another driver to finish the load. I'm going to be going by ambulance to the emergency room.
I'm not so depressed that my job is suffering, but when I get back to the company yard with this trailer and drop it off, I'm going to sit down and come to a very serious decision on whether or not I can drive anymore. Not because I'm unable to. But, because of the fact that one of the biggest things held from me during all the dramatic buffalo cookies with the ex, was my medications.
I take them because a few years ago I suffered such a severe case of pancreatitis that if I didn't get to the hospital when I did, I would be dead. I'm not a heavy drinker. Not by any means. I have a drink 3 times a year. Once for the wedding anniversary, once for the passing of a father I never had the chance to meet, and once for the passing of a grandfather who I truly saw as the most influential person to guide my very existence.
And it isn't drinking anything more than a shot of whiskey for the last 2 and a shot of tequila for the first. Otherwise I stay away from the liquor.
But due to the severe nature of the pancreatitis to begin with, I've suffered since. And unless you have been through it, I won't go into detail. Let's just say my industry isn't set up for the problems that come from it. I have dealt with it the best I can and I am embarrassed for myself to no end.
But that's where the problem lies. They purposely held my medications long before I came back to work. Just for the sole sake of making me suffer. I was assigned a hospital appointed case worker a couple of months before I left to cone to work due to various reasons. The biggest were the forcing me to miss my Dr appointments on purpose, and the physical violence that encompassed the relationship, and the withholding certain medications that I absolutely needed because they are medically necessary to be able to properly live.
Now I didn't ask for a caseworker. That's social services for adults. Basically how you hear about people taking children from families due to neglect and abuse, just for adults. I have been trying my best to avoid this decision; of having to give up my career, live in group housing for invalids, apply for social security disability, and be assigned a nurse to care for me 24/7. But, I personally don't see myself as that bad off. I just need to be able to get back to my home state, pick up my medications, be able to get a new place, and to avoid any and all contact with the other half.
That's the part that scares me. The other half. There's alot of vindictive behavior and violent games that have made it to where I have been staying away. At first I was forced to stay away by their violent actions and the infidelity. Now because of the divorce, there's a restraining order against me, which is perfectly fine with me. But since it was filed, I have kept to myself. No contact. I have received several dozen texts, emails, messages, calls and so forth. I have avoided them all. I have multiple times been told of the relationships between them and others and like I've said before to all who tell me including when she has told me about the things done behind my back and closed doors. I don't want to hear it nor do I want to know about it. Her texts since I've been back to work these months have gone from hatred to desperation to cruelty to lies and back to hatred. I don't wish anything but love, happiness and joy and success in their life. I just wanted to let it be what it is and move past and heal. But today there has been a very backwards cold vindication to everything from their end by attempting to get me fired due to me filing a couple of forms with the courts due to the threats and harrassing messages and that it is affecting my job. But I think, for the benefit of the universe, I shall be giving it all up and just wander off into the sunset and let my life be in nothing but the Lord's hands.
Many blessings to you all. Many thanks for your kind words and encouragement. This crazy wolf is going to run one last load. DJD
So, for the longest time I have been doing my best. In all things and aspects of life. I have given my all to everyone and everything I encountered. Not to say I didn't have my moments of selfishness and seclusion. I kept my faith, my love and my self esteem in check. I tried to find that inner peace in such a chaotic world outside and inside my home. I have tried my best for others to say it's not good enough. I sent my money to be paid to the bills and debts accrued under my name for the money to be selfishly spent on frivolous things and be told that it wasn't good enough. I have witheld my income to pay the debts myself to have games played and the money lost within those games to never be recovered. All I seek in this life is peace. I wish to have a family of my own someday no matter how selfish I've been told that is. Very recently I have been told by an emergency room that not only are the physical pains real but the emotional ones are real too. I have been told that I suffer from severe traumatic depression and PTSD induced by my prior relationship. I didn't want the violence. I didn't want the childish name calling and public outbursts of supposed affection that were only childish tantrums from a person who manipulated every one by playing the everything is ok card and when behind closed doors the hitting themselves and hurting everyone with words or physical acts. It scares me that for so long nobody believed it was happening. The same words would be said to me about how much I should try harder and do more. I was told that I was never supporting the other person. That they only supported themselves. Then I found out online that it was one of those things where they were gaining sympathy for something that wasn't happening. It broke my heart. It broke my soul. I helped raise two children who weren't even mine. Supporting their every need I possibly could. From the beginning there was talk of having more with me but because of a tubal ligation the year prior to us meeting, there would need to be a reversal done in order to achieve that goal. that's been hung over my head from the start just to be told everytime it came up that it was said just to keep me in the relationship. There have been many many arrests due to the violence and I have been hospitalized far too many times because of how I was raised to not hit those of the opposite side of the relationship. I have no clue what or why it all happened the way it always did. It got so bad the hospital gave me a social worker who told me to start filming everything because if I didn't it would be claimed like it has all along that it didn't happen. The last time I filmed it I was attacked so violently that I have internal bleeding and I will have permanent bite marks to the top of my skull in my hairline. I would have been arrested on the spot when the sheriff showed up if not for the sake of the video. I have tried for many years to peacefully go my separate way leaving every possession I have owned behind each and every time just to have to start over again. I wish nothing but peace in their life and the children's lives, because unfortunately I don't have the will to be beaten senseless anymore. I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be in this for so long. I only wanted peace out of life for everyone and everything around me. I do have my job. I will have to start over again with a home. And start again with another vehicle. But time will grant me those things as long as I keep to ky work. That's the only real thing I have in this world. My career. I can go anywhere and still have my trade. I just want to find peace in this world. Just peace. I wish nothing but peace upon anyone else who is hurt and feels like they are damaged because of their inability to free themselves of the pain of this world. It is a cruel place but I wish you all peace. Nothing but peace. Please remember that regardless of what others tell you, you are loved by someone somewhere. DJD
I finally did it. I picked up a load and was running back to the yard with it to take care of some personal paperwork so to speak. And as soon as I get within 5 miles a coolant hose blows up on the back of the engine and spewed coolant all over the place including the windshield of an Arizona State trooper who surprisingly took it in good stride and helped me find the exact place it blew up. He went through my logs and my paperwork and gave me a clean inspection to turn in and get paid on since they pay for those. But most of all he spoke to me about my life. I let him know everything because unlike some peoy, honesty does go a long way in life. He realized how pained I was talking about it but just let me talk. Man, that trooper is an angel in disguise. He let me finish and didn't tell me some messed up anything. Just clasped me in the shoulder and said it'll be ok. All I really needed. Just for someone to tell me it'll be ok. I hope life is going to be ok. Because to be honest, I don't think I can take another hit. I don't want to get another text or call about the ex. I've dealt with enough games about her. I'm sorry life isn't what it was supposed to be. But she wanted it ended and I gave her that. So why the games. Why the drama. And why did a brand new hose explode off the back of the motor? Geeze I just had it replaced while I was down the last 2 days. Man. Oh well. Maybe it's a sign I need to slow down and relax a little bit more. Just a little bit longer.
I hope she got what she needed. I hope it went the way she wanted. I don't know. I just know that I was messaged by an old friend of mine who told me that she moved on in the most horrible fashion possible and that I may as well say goodbye to my old life as I ever knew it because nothing of mine is left. Well, I guess. That's what she set out for. She destroyed me physically. Then emotionally. Now spiritually I am dead inside.
I do hope everyone in this world can learn to get along and if they can't, to at least be civil with each other and separate peacefully. Today I give up. May peace and blessings be upon you all. And may God have mercy on me for giving up trying to stand on my own. The words said to me this morning an hour before her arraignment was supposed to be taking place ripped the very soul of my being out and destroyed me. I wish I could have stayed and been beaten until I took my last breath because what I was told this morning was worse than any death that could have been inflicted upon me. Goodbye turtledove. May you be blessed to have such a wonderful soul and learn before it hurts more people. I am gone.
Yesterday, I got off my shift after being on the clock for 22 hours dealing with the load I was given. I had waited up for 7 hours expecting the driver the day before on the driver who couldn't do his own job.
When he pulled up in the truck stop I was in, he parked in the middle of the aisle and blocked everyone's way around him just so he could come to my truck and start yapping about how much he despises a whole slew of other drivers and spouting off about what he thinks about them.
For an entire 30 minutes he complained about it. The entire time I kept getting dirty looks from drivers because he was blocking traffic. I finally got sick of it and told him if all he wants is to talk then park the trailer in an actual spot and I'll be more than happy to jabber on about what's going on in his mind.
He looked around and tried telling me there were no spots and this that and the other. I looked in my mirror and told him there's 12 spots on the row behind me and to park it or drive it but I don't have any time for ignorance. The look of hurt he gave me was just pathetic.
I realized that when he started walking to his truck that, he doesn't know how to back a trailer in uncomfortable places. He took off and I waited another 30 minutes to go find him, not parked, but sitting in the middle of the back row blocking everyone from parking their trucks and trailers because how dare anyone want to rest before he does. I just walked up to him and said I'll be back in a few. He started gobbling on about how much he's going to knock out all these drivers in the back lot. I looked around and looked back at this guy and said good luck.
I go all the way to the store to deal with personal issues and buy some drinks to have for the trip. I go back to where he was and he was parked. I will give him that. He starts this whole jabbering about degrading the rest of the world and how he's such a great driver, and let's it slip quite a few times about his hitting things with his truck and for being a driver for a whole three years at this company and that he's the greatest thing ever.
I'm still waiting on him to get around to what needs to be addressed and finally tell him I need the paperwork and to know what time it's supposed to be at the warehouse. He hands me the paperwork and I see it's a frozen meat load and on the paperwork it specifically states in clear bolded writing that it's a 4 am delivery and there's a 1000 dollar fine for late delivery.
He tries going on about politics now and I tell him to get in his truck and go get his empty trailer and go to bed. He gets all upity, but does so. I back up to the loaded trailer and almost instantly I'm approached by several driver's whom he started a fight with.
Apparently he hit a few vehicles with his truck and they couldn't get his truck number. So I decided to do the only thing I could think of. Tell the truth. I let them know I've dealt with his inability to do his job on a number of occasions when I was last working for this company. And I wrote down his info and gave it to each driver who said he hit their equipment. Well one driver started telling me about alot of very prejudiced things said by this guy and I found myself apologizing for the incompetence of him.
I hook my truck to the trailer and do my safety checks and looked at the scratches all over an almost brand new trailer and take pictures and send them to the companies breakdown Dept because I refuse to pay for damages that didn't come from me.
I get going down the highway and get to where I need to be 500 miles down the road with minutes to spare because I did a few things to make up the time that I am not proud of, but I did what needed to be done so I wouldn't be stuck with his late fee.
I absolutely one hundred percent, believe that when I get to my final destination in life, I'll finally be late. But until then, I'm sorry for the world's best attempts to slow me down. And hurt me. Peace to all
Seriously, I'm not an author. I have very little college experience. Mostly it was to get started in the first few weeks of classes and be forced to drop out because unfortunately when the financial aid checks would come, the other half of the relationship would happen to need this or that or the other. I'd wind up unable to get to the classes and would be dropped and that's been a pattern for the better part if 12 years. I dropped out of high school because I was too busy trying my best to support a mom who lost her mind due to the fact that my sister ran away from home and filed for emancipation to avoid being told squat about what she was doing on the back of the ROTC bus with the boys and well, it drove my mother insane.
I grew up on track for scholarships getting straight A's even as a child who grew up in government housing. I wasn't able to function properly in school because of the fact that I would stream through the coursework within about a months time. I was reading the classics by the time I was 10 and reading scholarly dissertations by 16. But that wasn't what was in the cards for me.
My dream was to be able to attend West Point and go career in the military and fast track myself as quickly as possible. But unfortunately due to leading a life of misfortune due to my own devices and the circumstances of how I was just trying to get by, I wound up getting into some legal trouble that caused me to be unable to get a moral waiver which barred me from the service.
So I led a life of work. Labor. Using my back to get by. People have always told me there's more to life than just breaking my back, but it was what paid the bills. I've been told by many people who've come and gone from my life to strive for more because unfortunately I always had to bring my mentality down a notch or two to alleviate their stresses and insecurities of things.
I do have a very rich vocabulary and I probably should start writing a novel or two, but who's going to really read about somebody's follies that they put themselves in? I have been trying my best to just get by. I'm not sure how people can think that I'm anything more than what I am. I don't see an actual future for myself, but that's because I've allowed myself to be held back and allowed myself to listen to the depravity of minds that prefer the misfortunes and struggles and miseries of life over the happiness and joys of success. I've listened to it for so long about how I'm just going to fail anyways that I quit trying. I don't do drugs. Have I in the past? Yes. Do I drink? No not usually. Once or twice a year I'll toss back a shot of bushmills and go on with my existence. Do I smoke cigarettes? Yes. Like a train. I have cut back tremendously from smoking an entire carton a day to a few packs a day. And for those who will scoff at that and say it's not possible, yes it is. It's very much possible when you have nothing but time to light up cigarette after cigarette and yes it does cause quite a bit of health problems which is why I have cut back.
One of my previous posts I put in there that it's been so long since I've written because I was never allowed to get my thoughts out. There's no lie in my words. Not trying to play the victim, because I just wanted to let it out of my heart and mind. I've stated several times I am not blameless in all things. But for people to start in on me like a pack of dogs because they think they already know the facts is incredulously asinine. I've met several people in this life who live it so cynically that they can't comprehend what is before their very eyes so they doubt the truth when it's just that. Fact. Truth. A statement of the present.
But I am tired of being told something that is, isn't. I am tired of being talked down to by the clueless and the blind. You want me to shut my trap, fine. I will go off into silence and hold my despair in and never let it out. But remember, I merely wrote my heart. You commented
Depression sucks. I'm doing my best to keep myself positive and out of trouble and away from the bad things in life. Like boredom. I don't like those Damned phone app games that people spend hours and hours on ignoring what the universe has set before them. And yes, I do know it's contradictory to be typing this on my phone so I can see the ironic dilemma I am in. But I would much rather be typing this than draining my mind binge watching TV or playing games. I was approached this morning by another driver that had some serious issues going on with the company he drove for and his personal life. I helped him with some advice on how to get to a better place in his heart, being completely honest with him that I have my own issues. He started bawling his heart out because of how heavy it weighed on his soul. He thanked me a bunch of times and I have a feeling he'll be ok. But it just brought me back to my own problems and I do believe that I don't want to deal with mine because I have been trying. I keep feeding the pigeons that are waddling around my truck and it keeps pissing off the trucks around me, but too bad. God gave me those birds in my life temporarily to feed and watch and wonder at. I'm upset because I found multiple grey hairs in my chin whiskers and at my temples. I'm barely in my mid 30s and having white and grey hairs isn't supposed to be happening. And yes I do believe each one is a lesson learned, but did I really need to get a reminder to each one? I wish my phone didn't glitch. I had the most beautiful words typed after that question and then it glitched and deleted it all. I wish I could just write it all down in one shot and get it all off my heart and mind. I thank you all for allowing me to be able to just get it out. I've noticed that once the scam profiles realized I actually wanted something real that they stopped wanting to send me to their sites. Thank you. The real people on here, I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions and I know it seems like I ignore certain things, and I am sorry because I'm not. I just get busy with work and driving that I don't have much time to respond to it all. I have been trying my best to alleviate some of the boredom with walking around or counting stars to just sitting there and drawing little scenes in a tiny notebook I keep in my shirt pocket. I have been thinking alot about the fact that for 12 years the game she dangled of a possibility of her getting a tubal reversal and us having children together is a good thing it didn't happen. I'm still dealing with the pain of her getting having an ectopic pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and the horrible things said to me because of it. I'll put it this way, what happened happened. God's will be done. May the unborn child be at peace in heaven. I truly hurt because of it and I wish something other than that being told to me was God's way of saying I'm not worth a damn and all the other harsh things said to me over it over the years never happened. I wish that it wasn't the knife in my heart every time because you saw it as a game and I saw it as a loss of a life not met. I wish that it wasn't dangled in front of me thinking that the possibility was what kept me around. I do wish for children of my bloodline. But that didn't mean I didn't have enough love in NY heart to raise yours too. Money was never an issue. It was the selfishness and childishness. That was. I always showed that from the very first day. I always protected them from the harsh things said. Ones just short of adulthood by a few months and the other has just a couple more years and he will be a young man who has issues. I told you they always come before I do because a relationship is never worth a child's expense. Ever. I held those words true even before we said our vows. I just wish I could tell the whole story. From beginning to end. I'm going to just smoke a cigar and watch the smoke disappear into the sky.
Like the title says. It is finally over. The pain, the anguish. The suffering. What was once two, became one. And what was once one has now become two. It is no longer a separation. It is final. There's no turning back from it and it was expected for many years. And while away dealing with my own suffering, it has been recorded in the courts. All that is left is the memory of what was supposed to be a happy life time. I harbor no ill will. I have no resentment. I have just an empty hollow void where love was. I am going to finish this last load and when empty. I will be taking the truck back to the company yard and parking it. I am only going to draw out of my pay just enough to get a hotel room up the road from the yard and set myself in the room with the lights off, door locked, tv off and just sit there and have myself a conversation with my maker about what the past 12 years was truly about and what it should have been. It was to be expected that this would finally be put to rest. Now there truly is no more fear of being hurt by the other because after all that has happened over the years, the past few months hurt the worst out of it all. But the fact that it's finally put to rest even though it lifts a burden from my shoulders, I still feel a sense of guilt because I took those vows very serious and kept them near and dear to my heart. They were my first in alot of things in life. I have a problem with it. Not that I want to go back to the pain. Not that I want the suffering. Nor to have conversation that will just delve back into childishness. But I don't want to be having this empty hollow feeling of guilt upon my heart and soul. I cannot lie when I say that because they were there, even if it was painful, that they were still a part of my being even if they chose to be apart because of their addiction and infidelity. I wish you the best. Same as always. I wish you happiness and success and joy, because even if you wanted an enemy I always wanted the very best for you in all things and ways. May peace be upon your path and success upon your every endeavor. I truly am sorry that forever was just too far away. May you be blessed with many years of joy and harmony and thank you for the ability to know you in a way that was not seen by the world. This too shall pass. I will see you when the Lord above guides our mortal souls to our immortal piece of the after life and may you always be able to be with your children and able to provide for them. They may not have been my blood, but I truly cared for those blessed angels as though they were my own. And for the fact that I am not the one for you, do not let it discourage you from a better tomorrow and always use our time as a guide to a better way of living. Excuse me world, for now it is a time for me to grieve even if others see it as a time for jubilation. I just know that in the end of my time in this realm of life and struggle, that I did my best. And it wasn't good enough. Not in the relationship, nor after. I still find myself thinking back on years lost to the madness and apologizing not just to them, nor to a higher being, but to myself. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am just trying to get it out. just trying to come to grips with, it's finally over and there is nothing left to say about it. Now I will go have my moment of silence and my moment of grief. And I still have nothing but peace on my mind no matter how chaotic it seems. Good night all. I will get my work finished and park this truck and trailer, then if nobody has any objections, I am going to shed a tear.
So, I've been getting a lot of phone calls from my doctor's office about the situation I am in. They assigned me a case worker, who genuinely seems to care about what had happened and is trying to help me. But the biggest thing that is bothering me is I am just trying to get my life together without doing harm to anyone elses life. I don't want what transpired to turn into a legal case against the other half. I don't. I just wanted to make a clean break from it all and to be able to get my Dr appointments set up and not get attacked for the sheer pleasure of someone's ego being hurt. I'm not one to ever condone violence in a relationship ever. I am a firm believer in if it gets to that point it's already gone to far for too long. I understand I have issues that stem from staying because I believed what I was told time and again that nobody else would want me. I get that I stayed for the sake of another's children's security. I completely understand that I'm not blameless in the bickering. But when it came to the violence, I don't care who thinks what in this world. I didn't do it. Nor will I take blame for instigating it. Because each and every violent act stemmed from one thing and that was me trying to leave because there was no point in staying when in the only one who held those vows true to my heart and my actions showed it. Even if I were stupid in forgiving the same things over and over in the hopes of life becoming right. It never did and I'm still sorry for it not working out. I still wish peace to the other half and hope with every fiber of my being that they get the help they need. Like my profile says, I just need to talk and get it out. Even the Dr says to stay away and that's no problem. I have my job and I am content in doing my job. It's hard to take care of my health with the lack of options for healthy food, but I do my best. I am young as many point out. But to hear my full story, one would only wonder if I am just a glutton for punishment. And in some cases, yes I am. I knew better. But when the road less traveled is free and clear and the wide path leads to damnation, I'd rather take the one full of danger at every turn because it builds a strong mind even if it takes away the will. My own mother told me for years I have an old soul and I was destined for more than the mundane. I just never knew it meant for me to be torn apart by the vindictive behavior of others. I have truly traveled the country and parts of the world in search of adventure and knowledge. I never had the ability to settle down and I have plenty of regret because of that. But, it has made me who I am today. I'm not a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm not a sheep following the masses. I'm not a lion with a heart of savagery fearing nothing. I am but a man who is lost in the madness of life and struggling with an inner turmoil that I am hoping to be able to turn into redemption. I wish nothing but peace and love and happiness and many blessings upon the world good or bad. Enemy or friend. If I didn't, could I really appreciate life itself? When others cringe at the sound of a crying babe in the middle of the market, with a poor over taxed mother apologizing for what life is, I just smile and say it's ok. Because why should the sound of life be something to cringe from? It should be celebrated. In all its glory it should be celebrated. When the poor are sitting there in their misery, I don't hold my cash and turn my head I share because if I didn't, wouldn't I be the same as who put them in that place? They should be lifted up and fed and cherished, because if not for their pain and suffering, we would not appreciate our own blessings. I am almost out of characters to finish my thoughts, so I leave you all with this..... I wish for a better life, I wish for a family of my own, I wish for the sound of children with my blood coursing through their veins, and I wish peace and love to this entire world because without you all I wouldn't be me. DJD
So, here it is. I have about an hour before I have to fight with the receiver at this facility to get my trailer unloaded.. When I was about 14 my sister already ran away from home the year before and filed for emancipation from my mom who pretty much checked out of being a parent at that point because it was far too stressful fighting for a daughter and trying to raise a son on her own all the while losing the house she paid for off the sweat of her work, to her brother who was just trying to get a free house. I was kicked into the world and already had been living rough for the entire year before. I always held a grudge against everybody involved in all of that because at the end of the day every single day I was alone. Alone in every struggle there was. Whether it be finding a meal, a warm place to sleep, comfort from the injustices that kept tormenting a child living on the street. I started working a man's job at 13. I have always worked since. Whether or not I had shelter or clean clothes or even a warm meal, I always worked. From general labor to supervising machinists to sweeping and mopping out bars to working at the newspaper which I truly feel was the start of being career minded, to any and every odd job I could pick up until the latest career of driving a truck for the past twelve years. My life has always been filled with work. There have been times when I was in between jobs but even then I kept myself busy doing for others. But that's not the point. The struggles and hunger aren't the point. No matter what had happened before now isn't anything more than a test of my life and to be honest, in my personal opinion, I failed miserably. But the reason I have that opinion of myself is I have always, no matter what, been able to overcome all of it and move forward. My dream from the bitter beginning of the start of my life's true struggles was to carve a swath of peace out of the troubling times before me and be able to make a place that I can have a peaceful and happy life with a wife who would love me for me and stand by me through the good times and the bad times and all times in between. A wife who is strong enough to face the troubles without flinching or running from the problems. But mostly strong enough to be able to let me know when I am wrong and hold me accountable for my wrongs. But one who is gentle enough to admit when she is wrong and kind enough to accept my hand to not pull her up but allow me to lift her up. I wanted a family full of little ones. So so many that I would have to build such a magnificent home and there would be nothing but love that would radiate from that home because the foundation wouldn't be of bedrock, but of love and peace and harmony. I would have land as far as the eye can see full of grassy Meadows and cattle and goats and chickens and ducks and geese and dogs and cats and every creature in between. I would be able to live off of that in and of itself, able to support the neighbors and strangers around me so that they wouldn't have the chance to feel the pain of hunger or loneliness for lack of friends because as long as I lived they would always have a friend and a meal. If needed they would always have a home to come home to even if theirs ceased to exist. I always dreamt of waking to the still of the morning and welcoming the morning sun and feeling the warmth upon my face and knowing that as long as I put myself into my labors that nobody can take it away. That as long as I love with all of my heart there would be no pain to wish away. That as long as I have a breath of fresh air and a big dreams that seems out of reach to all but my heart, that at least if I did fall, I will have accomplished maybe not everything I wished for but enough to not be told I have accomplished nothing. I wished for people to get along and not feel anger towards one another, so that they can at least be civil and true to their words. But, I know, it's very selfish of me to dream like this. Srry
I have so very much recently received emails through this site from a whole lot of wonderful people. And it hit me. Quite a bit of them keep getting their profiles deleted and banned, then the emails would disappear. So I started looking at the pages and wow. Wasn't expecting that much nudity and such crass statements in the profiles. Especially when they keep directing people to off-site pages. Good on you for trying to turn a profit, but why not just do right by yourselves and the poor souls who pictures you're using and not post some unfortunate lady's nude pictures for the sake of blatent advertising? There are many wonderful words of encouragement and support coming from actual people and then even more coming from fake accounts that a couple have truly said amazing things that disappeared because unfortunately when they deleted your account they deleted your message as well. I took a nap for a while and decided to go through some text messages I kept receiving on the phone. I see an old pattern popping up on the phone that I have encountered many many times over the years. Full of sorrys, full of blame, full of begging and back to blaming. I am not amused at any of what I saw written to the phone. I am actually mortified that it is continuing the way it has with absolutely no shame. First the tears, then the pity, then blame, followed up with manipulation then back to blame. A whole lot of excuses that have been said many, many times. I put the phone down and turned over and did something I haven't been able to bring myself to do in years. I prayed. I spoke aloud to a higher being that more than likely had deaf ears. I got my thoughts and prayers out, and when I felt I was done I got up, put my boots back on and went for a walk around the businesses and just kicked a can around the corner. I still feel as though I had a conversation with the cab of a semi truck in vain. I don't know what to say about myself for having that feeling. If it was up to me I would have been better off without putting myself through the pain of looking. But that's a good lesson. It's not just a lesson but I don't have the words to describe just how disappointed I am. I cannot explain how much regret I have. And honestly, I cannot explain why it is so hard for me to stay on topic instead of drifting off upon the same tired bore of a subject. Please do not take offense to my drivel. Tomorrow morning I will write about something joyful in my heart. A goal and purpose I have had for many many years longer than any relationship I have encountered. A secret to none but myself that I have refused to face from the start and if it touches your heart and soul, and brings joy and hope and tears and laughter, then at least I completed part of my dreams that I have been too scared to realize for the sake of my own discord and insecurities. Once again thank you to everyone in this world for the good and the bad and everything in between. Until tomorrow, may there be nothing but peace and grace around all your loving places.
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