When the pain is too much

So, for the longest time I have been doing my best. In all things and aspects of life. I have given my all to everyone and everything I encountered. Not to say I didn't have my moments of selfishness and seclusion. I kept my faith, my love and my self esteem in check. I tried to find that inner peace in such a chaotic world outside and inside my home. I have tried my best for others to say it's not good enough. I sent my money to be paid to the bills and debts accrued under my name for the money to be selfishly spent on frivolous things and be told that it wasn't good enough. I have witheld my income to pay the debts myself to have games played and the money lost within those games to never be recovered. All I seek in this life is peace. I wish to have a family of my own someday no matter how selfish I've been told that is. Very recently I have been told by an emergency room that not only are the physical pains real but the emotional ones are real too. I have been told that I suffer from severe traumatic depression and PTSD induced by my prior relationship. I didn't want the violence. I didn't want the childish name calling and public outbursts of supposed affection that were only childish tantrums from a person who manipulated every one by playing the everything is ok card and when behind closed doors the hitting themselves and hurting everyone with words or physical acts. It scares me that for so long nobody believed it was happening. The same words would be said to me about how much I should try harder and do more. I was told that I was never supporting the other person. That they only supported themselves. Then I found out online that it was one of those things where they were gaining sympathy for something that wasn't happening. It broke my heart. It broke my soul. I helped raise two children who weren't even mine. Supporting their every need I possibly could. From the beginning there was talk of having more with me but because of a tubal ligation the year prior to us meeting, there would need to be a reversal done in order to achieve that goal. that's been hung over my head from the start just to be told everytime it came up that it was said just to keep me in the relationship. There have been many many arrests due to the violence and I have been hospitalized far too many times because of how I was raised to not hit those of the opposite side of the relationship. I have no clue what or why it all happened the way it always did. It got so bad the hospital gave me a social worker who told me to start filming everything because if I didn't it would be claimed like it has all along that it didn't happen. The last time I filmed it I was attacked so violently that I have internal bleeding and I will have permanent bite marks to the top of my skull in my hairline. I would have been arrested on the spot when the sheriff showed up if not for the sake of the video. I have tried for many years to peacefully go my separate way leaving every possession I have owned behind each and every time just to have to start over again. I wish nothing but peace in their life and the children's lives, because unfortunately I don't have the will to be beaten senseless anymore. I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be in this for so long. I only wanted peace out of life for everyone and everything around me. I do have my job. I will have to start over again with a home. And start again with another vehicle. But time will grant me those things as long as I keep to ky work. That's the only real thing I have in this world. My career. I can go anywhere and still have my trade. I just want to find peace in this world. Just peace. I wish nothing but peace upon anyone else who is hurt and feels like they are damaged because of their inability to free themselves of the pain of this world. It is a cruel place but I wish you all peace. Nothing but peace. Please remember that regardless of what others tell you, you are loved by someone somewhere. DJD