I've been too depressed lately

I'm not so depressed that my job is suffering, but when I get back to the company yard with this trailer and drop it off, I'm going to sit down and come to a very serious decision on whether or not I can drive anymore. Not because I'm unable to. But, because of the fact that one of the biggest things held from me during all the dramatic buffalo cookies with the ex, was my medications.

I take them because a few years ago I suffered such a severe case of pancreatitis that if I didn't get to the hospital when I did, I would be dead. I'm not a heavy drinker. Not by any means. I have a drink 3 times a year. Once for the wedding anniversary, once for the passing of a father I never had the chance to meet, and once for the passing of a grandfather who I truly saw as the most influential person to guide my very existence.
And it isn't drinking anything more than a shot of whiskey for the last 2 and a shot of tequila for the first. Otherwise I stay away from the liquor.

But due to the severe nature of the pancreatitis to begin with, I've suffered since. And unless you have been through it, I won't go into detail. Let's just say my industry isn't set up for the problems that come from it. I have dealt with it the best I can and I am embarrassed for myself to no end.

But that's where the problem lies. They purposely held my medications long before I came back to work. Just for the sole sake of making me suffer. I was assigned a hospital appointed case worker a couple of months before I left to cone to work due to various reasons. The biggest were the forcing me to miss my Dr appointments on purpose, and the physical violence that encompassed the relationship, and the withholding certain medications that I absolutely needed because they are medically necessary to be able to properly live.

Now I didn't ask for a caseworker. That's social services for adults. Basically how you hear about people taking children from families due to neglect and abuse, just for adults. I have been trying my best to avoid this decision; of having to give up my career, live in group housing for invalids, apply for social security disability, and be assigned a nurse to care for me 24/7. But, I personally don't see myself as that bad off. I just need to be able to get back to my home state, pick up my medications, be able to get a new place, and to avoid any and all contact with the other half.

That's the part that scares me. The other half. There's alot of vindictive behavior and violent games that have made it to where I have been staying away. At first I was forced to stay away by their violent actions and the infidelity. Now because of the divorce, there's a restraining order against me, which is perfectly fine with me. But since it was filed, I have kept to myself. No contact. I have received several dozen texts, emails, messages, calls and so forth. I have avoided them all. I have multiple times been told of the relationships between them and others and like I've said before to all who tell me including when she has told me about the things done behind my back and closed doors. I don't want to hear it nor do I want to know about it. Her texts since I've been back to work these months have gone from hatred to desperation to cruelty to lies and back to hatred. I don't wish anything but love, happiness and joy and success in their life. I just wanted to let it be what it is and move past and heal. But today there has been a very backwards cold vindication to everything from their end by attempting to get me fired due to me filing a couple of forms with the courts due to the threats and harrassing messages and that it is affecting my job. But I think, for the benefit of the universe, I shall be giving it all up and just wander off into the sunset and let my life be in nothing but the Lord's hands.

Many blessings to you all. Many thanks for your kind words and encouragement. This crazy wolf is going to run one last load. DJD