It is finally ended.

Like the title says. It is finally over. The pain, the anguish. The suffering. What was once two, became one. And what was once one has now become two. It is no longer a separation. It is final. There's no turning back from it and it was expected for many years. And while away dealing with my own suffering, it has been recorded in the courts. All that is left is the memory of what was supposed to be a happy life time. I harbor no ill will. I have no resentment. I have just an empty hollow void where love was. I am going to finish this last load and when empty. I will be taking the truck back to the company yard and parking it. I am only going to draw out of my pay just enough to get a hotel room up the road from the yard and set myself in the room with the lights off, door locked, tv off and just sit there and have myself a conversation with my maker about what the past 12 years was truly about and what it should have been. It was to be expected that this would finally be put to rest. Now there truly is no more fear of being hurt by the other because after all that has happened over the years, the past few months hurt the worst out of it all. But the fact that it's finally put to rest even though it lifts a burden from my shoulders, I still feel a sense of guilt because I took those vows very serious and kept them near and dear to my heart. They were my first in alot of things in life. I have a problem with it. Not that I want to go back to the pain. Not that I want the suffering. Nor to have conversation that will just delve back into childishness. But I don't want to be having this empty hollow feeling of guilt upon my heart and soul. I cannot lie when I say that because they were there, even if it was painful, that they were still a part of my being even if they chose to be apart because of their addiction and infidelity. I wish you the best. Same as always. I wish you happiness and success and joy, because even if you wanted an enemy I always wanted the very best for you in all things and ways. May peace be upon your path and success upon your every endeavor. I truly am sorry that forever was just too far away. May you be blessed with many years of joy and harmony and thank you for the ability to know you in a way that was not seen by the world. This too shall pass. I will see you when the Lord above guides our mortal souls to our immortal piece of the after life and may you always be able to be with your children and able to provide for them. They may not have been my blood, but I truly cared for those blessed angels as though they were my own. And for the fact that I am not the one for you, do not let it discourage you from a better tomorrow and always use our time as a guide to a better way of living. Excuse me world, for now it is a time for me to grieve even if others see it as a time for jubilation. I just know that in the end of my time in this realm of life and struggle, that I did my best. And it wasn't good enough. Not in the relationship, nor after. I still find myself thinking back on years lost to the madness and apologizing not just to them, nor to a higher being, but to myself. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am just trying to get it out. just trying to come to grips with, it's finally over and there is nothing left to say about it. Now I will go have my moment of silence and my moment of grief. And I still have nothing but peace on my mind no matter how chaotic it seems. Good night all. I will get my work finished and park this truck and trailer, then if nobody has any objections, I am going to shed a tear.