When boredom and loneliness collide

Depression sucks. I'm doing my best to keep myself positive and out of trouble and away from the bad things in life. Like boredom. I don't like those Damned phone app games that people spend hours and hours on ignoring what the universe has set before them. And yes, I do know it's contradictory to be typing this on my phone so I can see the ironic dilemma I am in. But I would much rather be typing this than draining my mind binge watching TV or playing games. I was approached this morning by another driver that had some serious issues going on with the company he drove for and his personal life. I helped him with some advice on how to get to a better place in his heart, being completely honest with him that I have my own issues. He started bawling his heart out because of how heavy it weighed on his soul. He thanked me a bunch of times and I have a feeling he'll be ok. But it just brought me back to my own problems and I do believe that I don't want to deal with mine because I have been trying. I keep feeding the pigeons that are waddling around my truck and it keeps pissing off the trucks around me, but too bad. God gave me those birds in my life temporarily to feed and watch and wonder at. I'm upset because I found multiple grey hairs in my chin whiskers and at my temples. I'm barely in my mid 30s and having white and grey hairs isn't supposed to be happening. And yes I do believe each one is a lesson learned, but did I really need to get a reminder to each one? I wish my phone didn't glitch. I had the most beautiful words typed after that question and then it glitched and deleted it all. I wish I could just write it all down in one shot and get it all off my heart and mind. I thank you all for allowing me to be able to just get it out. I've noticed that once the scam profiles realized I actually wanted something real that they stopped wanting to send me to their sites. Thank you. The real people on here, I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions and I know it seems like I ignore certain things, and I am sorry because I'm not. I just get busy with work and driving that I don't have much time to respond to it all. I have been trying my best to alleviate some of the boredom with walking around or counting stars to just sitting there and drawing little scenes in a tiny notebook I keep in my shirt pocket. I have been thinking alot about the fact that for 12 years the game she dangled of a possibility of her getting a tubal reversal and us having children together is a good thing it didn't happen. I'm still dealing with the pain of her getting having an ectopic pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and the horrible things said to me because of it. I'll put it this way, what happened happened. God's will be done. May the unborn child be at peace in heaven. I truly hurt because of it and I wish something other than that being told to me was God's way of saying I'm not worth a damn and all the other harsh things said to me over it over the years never happened. I wish that it wasn't the knife in my heart every time because you saw it as a game and I saw it as a loss of a life not met. I wish that it wasn't dangled in front of me thinking that the possibility was what kept me around. I do wish for children of my bloodline. But that didn't mean I didn't have enough love in NY heart to raise yours too. Money was never an issue. It was the selfishness and childishness. That was. I always showed that from the very first day. I always protected them from the harsh things said. Ones just short of adulthood by a few months and the other has just a couple more years and he will be a young man who has issues. I told you they always come before I do because a relationship is never worth a child's expense. Ever. I held those words true even before we said our vows. I just wish I could tell the whole story. From beginning to end. I'm going to just smoke a cigar and watch the smoke disappear into the sky.