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hasagoodhearthasagoodheart Blog (23)

410 Forums63 Blog Comments23 Blog23 Blogs23 Threads

Getting to know my core needs

Did some personal work recently to get to the root cause of some important questions for me:
- Why did I get so overcommitted this summer, yet wasn’t committed enough to hold onto the relationship I was (then) in ?
- Why did I take it so hard and get so angry when the relationship was ended by a woman who had had enough of being placed second to everything else in my life ?
- Why have I spend so much energy since trying to have a friendship with the same woman I was in the relationship with, long after she made it clear that you do not want to continue a connection with me ?.

It has been hard, challenging work, but it has been worth it in that what I have from my work is a realisation that my core need is for a deep connection with others and to be loved by them. Wow you may say but it wasnt clear enough to me then.

My need for connection goes back a long way in my life and is something which I now realise I need to just accept. Through my friends, these Blogs and the people I email I have good connections and I value them.

My need to be loved is simply the resurfacing of the me who is needy and simply needs to meet their own needs.

My summer was about meeting everyone else’s needs, some of which were not reasonable. Out of a desire to be liked I met their needs, but I paid a high price for it.

The one person whose needs were most reasonable (me to be committed to the relationship) got left to last. I lost sight of that in the chaos I allowed myself to get into. She did the sanest thing she could do and she walked away.

Surprise, surpise you may say but I lost sense of my priorities this summer and I lost the love of a beautifull woman who loved me and was meeting all of my needs as a person and as a man if only I had seen it.

Finally this week though I have been able to accept the reality that my time with her is firmly over. It has also allowed me to realise that now that I know what I need, I will find it in another relationship. This time though I won't repeat my mistakes of this summer.

This blog had probably frightened off most of the women of CS but what matter - sure I am only being honest.

Peter
hug
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Gluten Free diet from now on

Visited my twin sister over the weekend, first time in months I had got over to see her and we got to have a decent chat. As we were ordering a Chinese takeaway she mentioned that the reason she picked that Chinese was that they dont use MSG which her stomach reacts badly to. Same here I said. That led to her telling me that she had recently been diagnosed as have a mild form of Coeliac disease, as a result of regular upset stomachs, irritable bowel and some skin eruptions. And hey bingo I have been have the exact same symptoms but thought there were stress related. So I looked up the symptoms. Ah for heavens sake, that made such sense of what I've been dealing with. Ok no more gluten for me and hopefully an end to it.
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Enough to go on ??

When do you have enough to go with, to step across the boundary that divides friends and lovers ?. Am struggling with that at the moment with a woman who is today just a good friend.

A woman with whom I think (but am not sure) I could be more that just friends. Getting signals that maybe she is struggling with the same boundary. Maybe I'm imagining it. Lost a really good friendship before with a women that I crossed that boundary with. Couldnt get back across the bridge afterward - it had been washed away in the breakup, damn it.

Will give it a while longer maybe of being just friends and see does it get any clearer. Anyone got a crystal ball on these things ?

Peter
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The only answer to a direct question.....

..........is a direct answer. I needed an answer to a very important question this weekend.

So I asked a very direct question of a woman who I met two weeks ago.

A woman with whom I thought I had started into relationship on a day when a pigeon nearly killed me.

My question ? - "Do you, or dont you, want to go on a journey of shared love with me ?. I need to know".

Her answer ? - she has promised to tell me tomorrow, after she has had a good nights sleep.

Good nite
Peter


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The curse of memories

Memories

In the noisy crowd, amid the hustle and bustle, all of a sudden.

A face that looks familiar, a laugh that triggers a memory flash.

Unwanted and uninvited, wanted to be forgotten, tried to be erased.


Away, go, be gone, be forever forgotten, be never to have existed.

And yet here you are, from the past, but present as once had been.


Soon, thankfully though, you are replaced by another, different, thought.

Overtaken by the here and now, which places no value on the past.
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Getting perspective with time

Got proper perspective on my summer recently when talking yesterday with a good friend.

Probably the most stressed I've ever been (mother in hospital for potentially life-threatening operation, father's alzheimers went out of control, my sister minding them cracking under the pressure, demands on me to be in Dublin to help out, already committed my available holidays to minding my daughter who then developed whooping cough, moving into my new house, huge mortgage kicked in, series of unsuccessfull attempts to get a permanent job, my own medical scare, my only weeks proper holidays turned into a job instead of a holiday...)

And on top of all of that trying to maintain a long distance relationship. Something had to give. She got a better offer and opted out.

But that was then. Now most if not all of that stress has gone away. Mother fully recovered, fathers new medication working fine, sister gave up working to be at home, have my daughter every second weekend only, my health and hers perfect, job situation working out. And I am better able to cope with stress.

So now I can focus properly on being available to a new relationship.

Peter


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Why no picture ?

Some people have asked me why I don't have a picture on my profile. Its a fair question and got me thinking.

My need is to communicate. This blog is my diary, something I intend to look back on in time and see my journey.

To be able to really communicate I need to be able to write about the significant people in my life.

My parents, my sister who cares for my parent, my ex-wife and my daughter, the woman I last dated (who is on CS), the woman I hope to start dating now.

But those people have a right to their privacy. Every word I type is public information, can be searched and found.

So if I put my picture up, even if I use my name, then I infringe on their absolute right to not be discussed in public.

Thats why
hug
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Poem for the local Street Lamp

Our local Street Lamp

Across the lake the street lamp glows.
The only one for miles - the way home it still shows.

There once was a shop there, it was run by Mary and John.

But time - it moved on. Yes and without a care.
The shop and the couple ? - they are no longer there.

Yet tonight, as in every night, the street lamp will still glow.

Peter
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A poem for a daughter

For my daughter, who is staying with me for a few days.

She’s asleep, yes she is, oh she's gone for the night.
With blankets up over and teddy tucked tight.

There’s no monsters in here, no there’s nothing to harm.
For her daddy has cleared them, and they dare not return.

Yet the day it will come, but it’s a long while away,
When a mere boy he will take her, yes he will take her away.

And show her things that to her - they are not yet known,
and should not be, and must not be. Not until she’s full grown.

But for now she is innocent, and so it should be,
And her dreams are "of mummy and daddy and me".

Peter
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A poem that I wrote

Went for a walk to the harbour last nite.

By the time I got back a poem had written itself.


The Moon

Last night Venus and the Mooon,
they hung low in the sky.

They sat guard o'er the hills,
as they watched me walk by.

But the seasons have changed
and the bats - they are all gone.

And when I turned to see the moon,
yes the moon, it too, had gone.

Peter
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The right time to be in a relationship

The weekend before last I met a woman who has the qualities that I love in a woman - she is honest, she is real.

A week on though and the reality of her life has bitten hard. Her need to try to finalise a separation agreement twelve months on after separating from ex, who is a vindictive man. A relationship that if it goes ahead will involve keeping it secret from him for quite a while, that therefore cannot include seeing or even phoning her at her home in case her children spill the beans to him.

I understand her reality. I dated a woman when I was three months separated and another when I was ten months separated. My ex didn't take it well and it was rough going. Me, I'm two and a half years on, I am ready I feel for a new relationship. I have learnt the lessons I needed to learn from my previous relationships. I know now what commitment means, what real love is really about.

She has been honest about herself and how emotionally raw she is at this stage. She has been so honest about the reality of the situation, which I really admire in her. The question I am asking myself tonight is should I be in a relationship with her ?. I know that cooking and love should be pursued with wild abandonment. But I just dont know about starting a relationship on the terms she needs. Maybe a good night sleep will help.



hug
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The Power of a Hug

Received a great hug over the weekend, just when I really needed one. No words exchanged, just the sort of hug that says I know, I understand, you're ok. Almost melted me.

But touch will do that. Whether its the light touch of a lover, the bear hug that good friends exchange, the light arm touch from a parent, the way a child nestles into their dad - they all convey love and acceptance.

hug
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