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Vanity Fair and City II (41)

“Love me, don’t leave” --- Jay’s songs are always so gentle, so touching, so eternal. Whenever I hear this song, “Love me, don’t leave”, I will think about those nights when those Laos students gathered on the lawn on campus, playing their guitars, singing this song, laughing and dancing.

Now that kind of life seems to leave me further and further. No longer on campus. Before I always hoped I could leave school --- I have already fed up with school life. But now I have left finally, and find that those days were so nice, so colourful, and so beautiful.

Among those Laos students, Balami was their leader. He was a dancer too. His black hair, black skin, black eyes were so charming --- He was the black star shining among them. And his smile was always so brilliant.

I didn’t know him too much. As friends, we came to meet, and then left, and never saw each other again. But the memories are always there. He, and other Laos students, coloured those nights, those years.

Days roll on and on. I don’t know how his life is now in Laos. And my life is a smooth river, flowing forward peacefully.

My friends always ask me if I feel lonely in this city since I have no family, no relatives, and not many friends here. Actually I don’t feel lonely very much. Days and nights are so simple, so peaceful, I quite like it. I leave them, but I don’t often feel lonely. Sometimes if I stay with them, I will feel extremely lonely.

My colleagues want to share an apartment with me, to be safer, to save money, and to feel not so lonely. But I refused. I like living alone. I like single life. And I don’t want others to go into my private life. I like sleeping in my single room. I like cooking in my single room. I can dress casually in my single room. I don’t need to care about so much things, I won’t be disturbed --- completely free, just free like the wind. I don’t know if there is anything which is more relaxing, more enjoyable than this after a long day’s work.

Actually if I have a calm heart to wait, a deep interest in things, and a stubborn pursuit in my life, I don’t feel lonely at all… So many things can colour my life. It is much better than going to a blind alley, where no ways can be found.

We can’t avoid going to a blind alley sometimes, especially when we are down. Yet a blind alley doesn’t mean a hell. If we can turn around and walk back, a whole new world will open out in front of us.

So we just need to bring our eyes, bring our brains, bring our hearts to the new world, and leave the blind alley backward. Yes, it still exists there, but we can learn to forget, and learn to view things in a good light.



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Vanity Fair and City II (40)

Ageing is a good process that nothing can buy, because it demonstrates the completion of life and witnesses it: Joy• Anger• Grief• Pleasure --- Things we should experience, we have already experienced, just like the moon, bright or dim, max or wane .

These days Melanie is ready for a blind date. She is going to catch the son of that land agent who possesses several high buildings. I haven’t seen that she can be so serious. Maybe this time, after several boyfriends, she is really serious. After all, that boy’s background is too good.

His background is too good, so Melanie is serious. But I guess, she is over-serious, which may make her tired and low.

I wanted to ask her shut up when she kept talking to me online while I was rather busy in working time but she stayed at home having nothing to do. But as good friends, I had to swallow all of my tempers, and gave her my honest opinions.

What she worried the most is that, she become older and uglier after her one-year working experience in Shenzhen. According to her narrative, during the past one year, she had to suffer from much pressure, worked overtimes and lived irregularly, which made her haggard and ugly… She kept complaining how time and work have spoiled our faces and youth while at this end I just giggled… for no reason. Just her tones made me giggle.

And I find lots of e-news which report the big changes of those famous female movie stars: their present old faces and their past beautiful faces, their present fat figures and their past slim and sexy figures... How can these journalists do such kinds of bad-taste things --- just to catch readers’ eyes? What they hurt and tease are not only those female movie stars, what they hurt and tease are themselves, or everybody: Who can avoid aging!

So no wonder our life is so tired. Melanie is fretting over her face and her youth, for the blind date; those movie stars do all kinds of things to hide the traces of time, just want to give audiences the impression that they are young forever.

My grandmother died when my mother was only 14. I haven’t seen her, but from the photo, I could see that she was really young at that time. She is always that young, in my mother’s heart, in my grandfather’s heart, because she died at a young age. But now, my grandfather is already 82. Wrinkles have crawled over his face; his hair has already turned white… I think, my grandfather would rather witness how wrinkles crawled over my grandmother’s face, how her black hair turned white, than memorize her for-ever youth in his rest life time.

The only way to keep young in others’ hearts, is to die at the time when you are the most beautiful. But I would rather see how my black hair turns white, how wrinkles crawl over his face, and how we get old together.



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Vanity Fair and City II (39)

Days and nights are just like the whirligig whirling whirling whirling, perpetually, forward, again and again.

We change jobs just as we change clothes or boyfriends or girlfriends. Peter quitted the job in our company, and gets another job. It is funny that the salary is much lower.

Melanie goes back GZ, now regretting that she quitted the job in that financial company she worked for last year in SZ. After all, the salary was high. Now she quitted another job in GZ, and looks for a new one. The future is not so positive.

Molly changed lots of jobs too. From bank counter, to boss secretary, to now magazine editor. She is also complaining about her current job. The salary is low. Her boss always yells at her. Like Kitty.

Kitty is my deskmate in middle school. We seldom contacted after graduating from middle school. I know she is working in a big company in GZ. Suddenly she asked me if I have gone back GZ. No, I don’t think I will go back GZ. She said she was planning to quit the job. The reason is, that job is too stressful, too much. “How I wish I could get a job that allows me to have at least some little rest during the working hours!” said Kitty. “From the moment I come to my office, I have never been able to stop working. Countless telephones, countless bills, countless orders…My health has warned me again and again.”

She is planning to go back our hometown. Yes, more and more former classmates decide to leave the big cities and come back our hometown, where our roots are there, where life is more relaxing, where people are healthier and happier, and where we can find so many precious memories.

After all, the essence of life is the same. If we are not happy, not healthy, even though we are in the richest places, yet I can’t see any meaning, any value… to live there. If we live with those we care, we miss, we cherish, happily, healthily, then who cares whether it is in the prosperous metropolis or the desolate mountains…

“Even though you give me the whole world full of splendid starlight, still I do not think I am wealthy; but if I can stay with you, then even we are in the most remote, most desolate corner of the world, I won’t feel lonely.” I read this sentence from somewhere.

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Vanity Fair and City II (38)

We are the small boats on the vast oceans, being pushed forward and forward by the waves of time, unable to stop.

Now it is already April. April must be a month when flowers wither --- the end of the spring. No wonder so many friends sigh for their disappearing youth and beauty --- We are the spring flowers that nearly wither. Well, are we?

Melanie seems to be afraid that she, or we, has already been on the last train of youth.

“Now I have nothing.” Melanie said. “No job. I quitted the job last week. No income, oh, my parents have money, but it is not my money. No beauty. Don’t you think that I become uglier after I worked in Shenzhen? My friends say that I have peaked and pined. No husband. Next week I will go to a blind date! He is the son of a land agent, possessing several high buildings; note, it is high buildings, not one-floor apartments…Why don’t you talk anything?”

Well what was I supposed to say. Oh I envy you???

Melanie seems to change a lot after she left SZ and came back GZ. She is so urgent to run into a marriage. Our mothers always like to put such kinds of things into our brains at this age: “Now you are not young any more. Go to catch a husband or you will be too old.” “After 25, who will want you?” “The earlier you marry, the better your future will be.”… Melanie’s mother always complains these things to her ears, so no wonder Melanie become so gloomy, so depressed and so anxious.

The more she talks about her disappearing youth and beauty, the more anxious I become. I suddenly realize I am in the same situation. These days I always hear my former classmates and my current friends, colleagues say the same thing. We have gone through so many same things, from taking university entrance examination, to seeking jobs, to working in different cities, now to the biggest issue hanging over our heads: Time to marry. So quick, so hurried, and so tired. We do want to stop at some naïve points to enjoy some peaceful moments, but the waves of time just push our boats forward and forward, unable to stop.

Yep, boys may not be so worried, as most of them will only become mature at the age of 30; but we will become the withered flowers at that age. Sad thing.

But being gloomy, depressed and anxious can not change anything, can it? Anyway, I can not go out to catch a man in the street, claiming that he is my husband, just because I am “gloomy, depressed and anxious”. “The earlier you marry, the better your future will be.” Bullshit. Life is so long, who wants to settle down so earlier and ties themselves to the walls of marriage?

Yes, we have sailed our boats to the periods when we should consider a long-term marriage seriously. But if marriage is more like a mission that has to be finished, rather than the true love that builds on the electrical sparkling feeling and mutual understanding, then it is more like a tragedy.

As to age, yes, we will become older and older and wrinkles will kiss our eyes and faces, but so what? Nobody can defeat age and time. When we are becoming older and older, our beloved boys are getting older and older too. Wrinkles also crawl on their handsome faces. The key is not who become older and uglier; the key is that we become older together.

And the world is so big. I do not want to be trapped in one city so early, so quick. There must be some distant places, some amazing people in the other corners of the world. And I do want to find those magical things in the future.

I believe many people will say I am a silly, crazy day-dreamer.

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Vanity Fair and City II (37)

The “Cheap Friendship” may be more expensive than you think. Those who are older or younger than us, those who distance themselves from us, who can understand that sometimes it is exactly the common things we have shared, we have experienced together in the past that makes the cheap friendship immortal.

When Molly suddenly contacted me yesterday, apologizing to me for that thing one year ago, I was really a little touched. Yes, we have spent the past several years together, but things changed after I came to this city where benefit is over than everything.

Molly always distances herself from us, just because she is a little superior, or to be exactly, her family is a little superior. As a result, from private school, to middle school, to university, she has no real friend. So how can she feel the feelings that permeate our hearts in the process of our life, how can she not feel lonely when she read the blog that is popular among us these days?

Some quotations from that popular blog:

“Now we have become the post-1980s' generation that can not afford love.” …

“It’s time to marry, yet most classmates are still single.” …

“For us post-1980s' generation, these days, these years, love has left us, while marriage is just a mission that has to be finished.” …

“We would rather to be hurt than speak out the true love in our hearts. As a result, love gone, and the time of marriage come, yet, we can not afford it any more.” …

“We used to abandon study for love, but now we abandon love for jobs.”

“We post-1980s' generation have many beautiful dreams, yet many are dashed to the ground, without any trails. We hoped, we strived, we struggled, and at last, we find that there is always a big gap between dreams and reality.”…



Molly nearly cried after she read this blog. She regretted she was so proud that she couldn’t have any real friend in her life. When we were still in university, she always sneered at me for the “Cheap Friendship” I have had in the past. Well things are too different between hers and mine. As a Shenzhen citizen, money has played an important role in her life. She is selfish, greedy, arrogant and ego-centered. She always looks down upon those from other small cities. I am from small city. People in my hometown are poorer than Shenzhen citizens, so in her eyes, my friendships with my former classmates are just the “Cheap Friendship”.

Can’t argue with her. People like her do not know the real meaning of friendship. Oh how can people like her understand what we have had? In middle school, we were just naïve teenage. Boys liked to catch girls’ attentions. Girls screamed when one boy shot the basketball. A group of boys and girls went around the whole school at night just to look for a lost little kitten. I looked up into the night sky, Dk Yang told me the name of that remote star… If these are the “Cheap Friendship”, I prefer to have them and feel grateful to have them in my life.

Since we have experienced the same things in the past, we can have more common feelings when facing the future even though most of us are in different cities. That’ why Molly felt lonely after reading that blog, but I felt warm and touched --- At least, those who come along with me in the life of my past, who have experienced the same happiness and the same sadness with me, face the same hardship, the same gloomy future with me.

The past is like a dream, so nice, so perfect. When I look back, I can’t believe they are real. The present is also like a dream, the only difference is, in the past, I met the right one at the wrong time; and at present, I can not meet any who can strike the chord of my mind… in the real life. Anyway, the present will become a past dream too. Only this series of “Vanity Fair and City” left, to demonstrate that I once lived in this period of life.


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Vanity Fair and City II (35)

San Mao wrote not only by her hands and her heart, but also by her whole life. She herself was a magical legend which shows us something that has gone beyond races, nationalities, ages, poverty & wealth, and the stereotyped prejudice & pride.

Today is Tomb-sweeping Day. When I went to supermarket, I saw a middle-school student was reading San Mao’s book. Tomb-sweeping Day, a date to commemorate our beloved writer San Mao.

San Mao was born in a rich and cultured family and immigrated to Taiwan at a young age. She tried to kill herself many times in her childhood. Later she spent many years roaming about the whole world. At last she settled down in the Sahara Desert with her husband He Xi who was a common, not rich, several-years-younger Spanish man and who had been waiting for San Mao for six years. Six years ago, He Xi asked San Mao to wait for six years---after he grew up and retired from the military, he would marry San Mao. But at that time San Mao had already had her fiancé in Tanwai. Six years later, her fiancé died, so San Mao found He Xi again. At last, they spent several happy years in the Sahara Desert until He Xi died from drowning. Years later, in 1991, San Mao killed herself.

Many readers cry when reading the lines between San Mao’s writing, her stories with her Spanish husband in the Sahara Desert. We are moved by their trust, sincerity and true love. It is quite sensitive to talk about races and nationalities when talking about love. This has already become a stereotyped subject coloured by the stereotyped prejudice and pride. When the superior races or nationalities doubt the sincerity and true love from the hearts of the insuperior races or nationalities, how many of them can distinguish black and white, “good” from “bad”, and “true” among so many “false”?

San Mao was six years older than He Xi. Age is really not a problem even though I do mind. Yea, old men find young girls while old women date young boys, the world must be crazy. But He Xi asked San Mao to wait for six years; six years later he would grow up and retire from the military. Six years later, San Mao came back to find He Xi. And another six years later, He Xi died. San Mao became the loneliest person in the world.

While we are all eager to wealth, desire to settle down in prosperous cities, San Mao abandoned the city life and settled down in the Sahara Desert. She travelled many places, from Europe to North America, from South Asian to South America. But at last she left London, left Madrid, left Paris, left New York, and settled down in the Sahara Desert.

Her house in the Sahara Desert was just a stone house, very shabby, very simple. Her father had a lot of money, and she didn’t accept her father’s money, instead, she earned money in the Sahara Desert, with her husband. White men are not rich. Yes, their countries are rich, but white men don’t save money, so they are not rich. But San Mao was born in a very rich family, yet she was willing to marry a poor white man…It is not about money, not about races. It is about something that is deep and true. I will not define it. Everybody can define it if they were touched by this deep and true thing before even though it was just once time.

San Mao. Years roll on and on. But today, we are still reading her books, her stories in different places in the world, her love in Spain and the Sahara Desert, and her values about races, nationalities, age, poverty & wealth, the stereotyped prejudice & pride, and, the most important one, her views towards life and love.

San Mao and He Xi
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Vanity Fair and City II (34)

Complaining does not help but still I can’t help complaining. I am not a man, so why should I act like a man, pretend to be strong-minded and swallow all the bitterness, to let them spoil my stomach???

First it was Dk Yang, then it was my younger sister, and then Melanie. They all sent their personal resumes to me, for suggestions, as if I was exactly the interviewer. Melanie has gone back GZ, and now works as a clerk in a private company. But like many of us, she works in her current company but still looks for better jobs in other companies. My sister begins to look for a job. I hope she can be braver and stronger, then I can release. Dk Yang’s resume is quite good. At least he tells me indirectly what he has done during his four-year university. But it is rather weird that I don’t feel as excited as I have thought before.

When I browsed their resumes, I couldn’t help asking myself: “Why do they all send their resumes to me, for suggestions?”

Just because in their eyes, I am that strong one. Oh no. I am not. If I was as strong as what they saw in the past, then I must have been pretending to be strong. In fact I failed many times in this city. I sent my personal resume to some big companies, and some did call me for a face-to-face interview. But I failed. That stated - owned big company, that American - owned foreign company, and that public institution – Shenzhen Women's Federation, I was all sifted out by these big, good and famous companies. So when Melanie said she was so unhappy about her current job and envied my current job, I just wanted to ask her to shut up. However, I am not going to tell her my failures, not because I dare not show my failures, but because she is only interested in her own business.

I am not willing to tell my younger sister my failures too, because, if I act bravely, she will act bravely; if I act timidly, she will act timidly too. She will be scared before she takes her first step in the society if I act like a coward.

And I do want to tell Dk Yang my failures and my frustrations. But whenever I think of him, anger will be burning in my heart: How can I admit that I am down? To him, I have nothing: no beauty, no wealth, no charm, but at least, in his eyes, at least I have the so-called “strong will”. How can I eliminate the only thing I possess in his eyes?

So, things seem a little ridiculous. I fail. I feel frustrated. I want to cry. But because no one lends their shoulders to let me cry, so my eyes are as dry as desert. I even smile when I think of these failures and frustrations. Of course it is a bitter smile, or to be exactly, a mocking smile, mocking the ridiculous situation I am in now.

Anyway, I am not going to pretend that I am strong-willed, to meet some people’s standards. I am not going to hide my failures and silly, childish aspects, because I don’t mind being despised or made fun of by others. And I am not going to act as strong and brave as men, because I am not a man, and my mind works in a female’s way.

And anyway, complaining here can not help me get a better job or make my boss raise my salary. Chances come only when I make them and capture them.


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Vanity Fair and City II (33)

Midnight. I suddenly woke up. So quiet this building. So dark outside. Only some remote noises in the street---Taxi speeded by.

As if the whole world had left me and I was in the abyss of darkness. And I suddenly realized one thing in this limitless darkness.

That some people are just cruel beasts, not human beings.

Anyway, it is never too late to realize this unhappy truth even though it did make me nearly suffocate at that time when I was stilling lying on the bed.

Some people think that they know all the things in the world, but they don’t know that they don’t know how our minds work because their hearts are too masculine, without any feminine.

There must be something wrong with their logic. Too harsh, too cruel, as cold as iron, and as hard as rock.

They are always the winners because they can leave easily and sneer that we are too clingy and too troublesome because we can’t leave them easily. Something must be wrong about this logic too. We are sad, we have tears and fears, or we are begging, not because we are weak, but because we are female, and female’s mind work differently from their mind. They judge our female’s mind with their male’s mind. That’s unfair. That’s too cruel.

Guess, if our mind had worked the same way as theirs, the world must have been terribly crazy.

And we are sad, we have tears and fears, or we are begging, not because we are clingy or dependent, but because there must be something real that strikes the chord of the heart. If she can leave easily and quickly, then she is just a player acting on the stage.

Anyway, it is not a good thing to realize that I was so near a beast at midnight when I was alone in the apartment with the whole world gone and only darkness left.

I closed my eyes. The snore of this city was so gentle, so tranquil, as if she was exactly the Sleeping Beauty. I listened to her snore, and falled asleep again. I was sure, when I opened my eyes, it would be a new day.

“Tomorrow is another day.” Scarlett O'Hara said.

In the darkness and quietness, I could hear Scarlett’s true words. She is always with me.
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Vanity Fair and City II (32)

Show yourself --- Every part of the world, every corner of the city, even every site of the internet, everybody --- from celebrities to men in the streets --- shows themselves, by all kinds of ways: from the individual privacies, to the naked photos; from the real heroic deeds, to the purely publicizing and propagandizing activities …Just to let others know.

Anyway, it is very easy to become famous these days as long as you are open and brave enough, especially in a time that is dominated by agitated emotions, supreme reputations, money worship, and envy & vanity.

As more and more people are single these days --- It is rather weird that the 3S ladies and the golden bachelors can’t find each other even though there are many 3S ladies and golden bachelors here --- a popular marriage-seeking program occur: As long as you can pay, you call for the TV station, make a video, and put it in the subway during rush hours.

So, every moring, people rush to the subway, still sleepy and dreaming. And suddenly, a video shows in the screen, with golden bachelors or 3S ladies introducing themselves, telling their stories and emotions, showing their private life, and seeking for their true love…

I giggled when I first watched such kind of programs. Yes, I understand their predicament. Those golden bachelors devote their youth to their business and their career, as a result, they find that they have missed the chances to find the true hearts. So they show themselves on this program, to seek for the so-called soulmate. However, they know clearly that those who call for them after watching the marriage-seeking program are mostly for their money. The same as the 3S ladies.

Of course there must be some true hearts who are for their inner things, not the outside things. However, those golden bachelors or 3S ladies may lose the chances to find those true hearts as most of their eyes are covered by two leaves: the leaf of pride and the leaf of prejudice. As a result, they can not see the whole mountain.

Anyway, this is a way to fulfill the dream. To have hope is always better than to lose heart.

And that day, Peter --- He was still here at that time --- brought a piece of news to us: PP was on the marriage-seeking program showing on the subway! A bomb in our office, we discussed like a flock of hens, or cows.

So we all knew that PP was very worried about her single life. So we all knew that PP was very eager to rush into the heaven of marriage. So we all pitied for her --- Some of us even worried that PP’s today would be our tomorrow too.

Of course PP knew that Peter spread this news later. She got extremely angry. She and Peter were fire and water, two tigers in one mountain, unable to get along well… But Peter is just a talktive parrot, while PP is a cunning fox. Foxes always win becase they are more cunning. That’s not strange why Peter failed in this battle --- he ended his career by quitting the job.

So PP becomes the most talktive one after Peter left. Every day she asks us our standard to choose a husband. Ivy said: “He must be mature, not shallow, but I don’t care his marital status.”

Of course she doesn’t care about the marital status, because she is in a relationship with a married man.

“Any you?” PP stared at me.

I thought for a while, but couldn’t sum up my standard. It could be anyone who comes out at any time. When it is the real feeling, the outside things are nothing compared to the inner things. But I hope that he does not spoil his health by over drinking, over smoking, over working or taking drugs, as I don’t want him die before me.


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Vanity Fair and City II (31)

“3S lady”… To be called “3S lady” will be extremely hurtful for a “3S lady” these days. More or less it is shrouded in a tragic color.

Those who are Single, Seventies and Struck are the so-called “3S lady”. These so-called 3S ladies have a good education background, a high salary; have their own house, car and career; live an independent, luxurious and comfortable life; but they are remained---It seems that no men want to marry them. So born the new word “3S lady” or “the remained lady”.

PP is exactly the remained lady. Already 30 but still single. Beautiful, rich but lonely. Every day she sighs and teaches us patiently: “Never too picky when you are young, girls. Or else you will become 3S lady like me! When you are still young, you still have many choices. But once you are over 25, you don’t have many choices! There are always younger girls and men like them…”

According to PP, when she was young, many boys chased after her. Yes, we all believe. Now PP is already 30, but she is still so beautiful. I think, when she was 20, she must be more beautiful. Then of course she might feel proud and become picky at that time. According to PP, yes she was a little picky at that time, but she just couldn’t meet anyone she was satisfied with or had a feeling to. And according to PP, those boys who chased after her couldn’t match her --- Not strange, not many boys can match those girls who are too brilliant and too excellent…. So years roll on and on and when PP turned 25, she suddenly realized that those boys who chased after her had already married or been ready to marry but still she hasn’t caught anybody…

So this is how a “3S lady” was born.

It is quite common to meet a 3S lady here. When you walk in the street, a 3S lady may walk by you. When a car drives in the street, there may sit a 3S lady inside, not beside the driver, but on the seat of the driver exactly.

So PP likes staying in this city as 3S lady is everywhere. But once she goes back her hometown, life will become a hell. There people will comfort PP kindly face to face but gossip about her when she is not there, pitifully and jealously.

Once we joked that PP and Peter were perfect matches. Than PP got angry and shouted: “I don’t want a man from other province!”

Peter must get hurt at that time. As a young man from that far, remote province, he will never be able to understand why we Cantonese are so exclusive. And as Cantonese, we are really not willing to find men from other provinces, let alone other countries or other races. I know I shouldn’t be so exclusive or narrow-minded, but I just can’t hide my feelings. PP would rather to be single than to find a man from other provinces except Guangdong. They can’t understand, but I can.

Then a big event happened, which leads to the end of Peter’s career in this company.

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Vanity Fair and City II (30)

The Mayan Prophecies are everywhere these days. Ivy, PP spent lots of time reading articles about it and the end of the world, 2012.

So I read some articles about it. Not as horrible as what they said, it is quite interesting.

It is said that, the First, the Second, the Third and the Four Age of the Sun, which are also called MATLACTIL ART (“The High Power Civilization”), Ehecatl (“The Diet Civilization”), Tleyquiyahuillo ( “The Biological Energy Civilization”) and Tzontlilic ( “The Light Civilization”), have gone; now we are in the Fifth one, which is translated as “The Emotional Civilization” and which will end on December 21, 2012.

“When the night falls on December 21, 2012, the dawn of the next day, December 22, will never come.”

All right. On December 21, 2012, when the night falls, I must stay up all night long, to wait for the new day, to see the sun rise from the east again.

******
The Emotional Civilization… When I read these words, I have a warm feeling inside myself. Yes, at least we can feel, we have emotion, and we are emotional even though we always claim ourselves to be thinkers.

It is said that Shenzhen is the desert of civilization. Yes, it is right in a sense, after all she only has a very short history. Unlike those old, cultural cities with long histories, she has nothing to be proud.

It is also said that Shenzhen is the desert of emotion. Yes, it is right in a sense too, after all people come here from every corner of China, for money, for benefit, and for fame, for gain. So even the closest friends will betray you, even the closest colleagues will lay a cunning trap for you, like what PP did to Peter.

PP and Perer worked face to face in one office. But PP spread some bad rumours about Peter to our female boss, Kate, secretly. So Peter gave a bad impression in Kate’s heart, so quarrels were inevitable… After this, Peter pondered and came to a conclusion: He is too talktive, he is always boosting himself, and he is always poking fun at everything and maybe that has offended PP…

Well, yea, maybe Shenzhen is the desert of emotion, but even in the Sahara Desert there are a few oasises. Anyway, there are some limited “emotions” here, like friendship, colleagueship, neighborship, and love.

And who can say that anger, sadness, envy, hatred, desperation, even apathy, which penetrate everywhere, are not emotions.

******
I don’t know the difference between “The Emotional Civilization” and “The Spiritual Civilization” exactly.

It is said that when December 21, 2012 comes, our civilization, “The Emotional Civilization” will end, and a new civilization, “The Spiritual Civilization”, will be born.

“When we contemplate the expression ‘end of the world’, let us realize the term ‘world’ can refer to a cycle; a period of time; a world age era. Therefore 2012 is signalling the completion of one World Age Cycle, transitting into an emerging New World Age to come.

“It is said that the world we are ending is the one that is dominated by materialism and ego consciousness, therefore it may be that the world to follow will be founded on different values that honor the spirit of the interdependence of all of life.”
(source from )

Well, according to these, shouldn’t our civilization be called “Material Civilization”?

And I find the following is very profound while the nature has already warned us by earthquakes, drought, sand storms…

“It is important to understand that these modern fantasies projected from our collective psyche are reflecting our internal process of fearing how out of harmony with nature we are collectively living. There is a sense of an impending retaliation from nature that will come, as a great punishment upon our misguided human world.”
(source from )

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Vanity Fair and City II (29)

The lost generation---When the lost girl written by D.H Lawrence got lost in her Manchester House, we get lost in our city.

Peter invited us to have dinner, a good-bye dinner. He left as a colleague, but will remain as a friend among us. In this unknown city, we don’t have our ancestors, we don’t have our families, we don’t have our relatives, but we have friends.

I don’t like having dinner with them as most of them are from the North and they like spicy food. As a Cantonese I can not eat any spicy food. However, I can not refuse. Not all things can depend on my mood.

During the dinner, I saw them eat happily, but I had to soak the spicy food in the wine, to wipe off some spity taste befoe I put them into my mouth. Most of the time, when we go out, we will gossipe and say the bad things of those who are absent. That’s become a routine. I hate that but I have to hear their saying, or else I will become the object of their gossip. I guess nobody can avoid being gossiped by them.

Jokes, complains, scolding, while we ate, drank…Some pretended to be a lady and refused to drink, but I have to admit that wine is no different from other liquids, and it tastes much better than the Chinese medicinal herb. So when Peter said “bottom up” to me and I drank the whole glass of wine, everybody stared at me unbelievably. What’s up? I don’t mind drinking some wine occasionally. And if it is necessary, I can learn to smoke too.

Peter told us why he quarreled with Kate. That’s because of the convention differences. As a Hong Kong citizen, Kate insisted exploring the mainland market in a Hong Kong’s way, which is doomed to fail in the mainland as conventions in the mainland are different from those in Hong Kong. Peter knew it was doomed to fail, so he quitted. Anyway, he doesn’t worry about his pocket very much.

He has changed lots of jobs, jumping from one company to another, like many of us. Now he has graduated nearly three years, but he still feels lost, also like many of us.

It seems that we all feel lost when coming to our career and our future. Not because we don’t know what we are doing, but because we know clearly what we are doing now but don’t know what we should do in the future.

Now I have graduated nearly one year. Like most of my classmates, I begin to feel lost. I can not see any future. I work, I earn; I pay, I gain; but that’s all.

Those who get comfortable jobs feel lost as their jobs are too easy, too comfortable, so they can not see any future; while those who get stressful jobs, who always work overtime, who have spoilt their health by the stress and over-time working also feel lost, as they can not see any future, either.

Yuan Jian, once a gifted student in Peking University, killed himself after he was fired by a fund management company in Shenzhen. To work in fun management companies will get extremely high salaries, but also a lot of stress. The business rule to fire the weakest has become the nightmare for those empolyees working in these companies.



Anyway, nothing is really worth killing ourselves.

Anyway, I cherish my life even though I am as slight as a dust and as obscure as a sand. When the sunset shone upon me, I released and felt that I was the wild wind that blew to a vast place unruly and intractablly: Yes, compard to those hot, rich, sexy, passionate, beautiful, enthusiastic, open-minded girls, I am poor, obscure, plain and little, but I am not soulless or heartless. I can feel the inside myself. And if my parents had gifted me with more beauty and more wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. You don’t know, some feelings can go beyond the outside things when you can feel the inside yourself.


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