When I’m 64

I will be 64 next month; it’s time I started thinking about bungalows and beige overcoats. There is planning to be done if my transition into geriatricity is to be smooth and trouble free.

In order to avoid any sudden expense, I need to start accumulating my future wardrobe now. There will be comfy shoes that don’t aggravate my corns to buy, preferably slip-ons so I won’t have to bend to tie the laces. I’ll need baggy trousers that come up to my chest, and woolly jumpers for the summer. It is an annoying fact that the fashion industry is only really interested in the younger generations: If you wanted to buy a brand new pair of jeans that look worn out and are full of holes you would have no problem finding them, but just try looking for shirts that come with gravy stains already down the front and it’s a different matter. I have yet to decide whether I will wear a hat. A flat cap or trilby, perhaps; all I know for sure is that it won’t be a baseball cap.

Certain habits need to be developed; I should be working on them now if they are to become ingrained by the time I need them. That sporadic nibbling motion of the lower jaw doesn’t just develop on its own, it needs to be practised until it becomes second nature if you are to remember to do it even when there is nothing in your mouth to chew. I have always been a curious person, so coming to a sudden halt in the middle of the pavement and staring with mouth agape at anything that catches my interest will probably come quite naturally to me.

We often underestimate the aged. Driving at 30 mph on the motorway takes a lot of self discipline; just try it if you’re in any doubt. Likewise with ignoring no entry signs and doing very slow U turns at busy traffic lights. Then there is the holy grail of the elderly driver: going the wrong way down the motorway, achieved only by the very ambitious. There is so much going on on the roads these days and it’s not easy to remain oblivious to it all; it needs to be worked at, particularly when you are trying to incorporate a significant element of inconsistency into your driving at the same time. Being able to cause an accident without being directly involved in it is a very subtle skill indeed.

I don’t yet know whether I will be the endearing granddad type or the miserable old git; probably the latter, no point in wasting the skills I already have.