The punchline of today

It is really difficult to write a blog today. Too much alcohol, and not enough sleep.

There is one thing that bothers me....Why am I afraid?!
I don't know if any of you has experienced the same thing, but something is wrong and inconsistent with my self confidence or self esteem or whatever you want to call it.

I am actually a very social guy, but I'm really afraid that nobody will want to talk to me or spend time with me.
I am not Brad Pitt, but I am attractive, and still I have sub-zero confidence with girls.
I am !#@$ing intelligent, and yet I am afraid that people will think that I am not smart enough.

One can think, is it because recently my wife left me for another guy?! But,no, that was 3 months ago, I moved on, I am feeling better now.

I think it is something else. Before I met her, I was able to socialize, to look good, to convince people, to feel that I am a wanted part of any society in which I would like to engage.

There should be no reason why I can't do it again. Find my "old" self - the old "self" that I liked and so did everybody else.

Slowly this is coming back....I can feel it like an energy streaming through my weens, but yet something is holding me back.
I am not worthy, i am nobody etc...

BULLSHIT!!!!!!!

3 weeks in Amsterdam on my own, and I already have a social life. People actually want to spend time with me, I am invited to parties and lunches.

NO FEAR!!!!!!!!

But why is it that I end up bringing myself down? What is it inside me that disturbs me to live my life as I want it? Why am I preventing my own progress, stopping my own healing process?

And once again, why am I here on CS, sharing my thoughts with anybody who wants to read it?

Simple. I believe that there is nothing wrong with what I feel and think. I am not afraid of people reading this and thinking that guy is nuts...And once again, after I write what I think down, I feel cleansed, I feel good with myself.

And isn't it what life is actually about, feeling good with yourself?
If you don't feel good, how can you make other people feel good.
If you don't love yourself, how can you expect other people to love you.

I am still at a certain distance from my target, but I am slowly reaching it. I am developing. I am growing. I am evolving.

One day I will be where I want to be. If I only knew where.....

But life is a great teacher, it will guide you wherever you need to get to.


One day, I will be there.
No more fear! No more bullshit!

I am not afraid - and you shouldn't be as well.

But it is really not easy.