Court Humour

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Which gear were you at the time of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until next morning?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 years old, how old is he?

ATTORNEY: Where you present when this picture was taken?

ATTORNEY: So the date of the conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Where were you at the time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: How many were girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by who's death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.