Why You Attract the Wrong Type

Being drawn by the wrong type, or attracting the wrong type, is no accident. It is helpful to take ownership of your patterns and find out why. If you do that, you can work through the reasons and change your pattern.


1. Inability to judge character.


Use your head and your values, in addition to your heart, to choose a person to date based on character. Get your head and heart on the same page. Often your heart can fool you when attraction to a person comes out of "only" your feelings. When you are in that mode, you disregard the data that your head is feeding you about the person's character. You can see enough to be cautious or even run the other way, but because of how you "feel," you ignore what your head is telling you.



2. Isolation and fear of abandonment.



Choosing dates from a lonely place inside, draws you to people who can't connect, or it makes you so desperate that you connect with anyone who will have you, no matter what they are like, in order to not be alone. A "bad" relationship feels better than none at all. Get connected to some good people outside of dating, and you won't feel so alone and desperate.



3. Unbalanced badness.


If you have not faced your "bad parts" and feel as if you have to be "all good," you might be drawn to the "bad boy" or bad girl" type to find completion and to allow someone else to express those bad parts for you. Not facing your own badness keeps you from owning it, with the resulting guilt and fear. Accept your bad parts, get forgiven, and be real. Then you won't need a bad boy or bad girl.



4. Merger wishes.


You "merge" with someone to find the parts you do not have. For example, if you are passive, you might be drawn to someone really aggressive and "strong." This gives you a sense of having what you don't have. If you are adaptive, you might be drawn to a controller, who likes to manipulate. If you are cut off and have to be "strong," you might attract needy people with "problems." Merging is an attempt to get missing parts. Develop the side of you that is missing or not being owned. Then you won't have to shop for yourself.


5. Fear of confrontation.


If you can't confront, then the person who doesn't like to be confronted will find you. It is like magic. But people who don't like to be confronted are not only very selfish; they are also in denial, and they are unable to resolve conflict. Not fun people to date. Learn to be assertive and confront appropriately, and they will flee you and the good ones will find you.



6. Romanticizing.


You turn everything into a romantic fantasy and block out reality, so you don't see the reality of the other person you are drooling over. While you are noticing the moonlight, use that light to see the whole person and sit with the reality of who they truly are. Let it settle in, and you might or might not want to be there for long. Vampires only come out at night.



7. Need to rescue.


As a rescuer, you have to find a person with problems. You might as well drive an ambulance and get dates that way. Learn to give to people in service settings instead of in dating. Stop rescuing people from problems, they should be taking responsibility for themselves. Hold people responsible for their own lives, and you won't need to marry a problem.



8. Familiarity.


You have learned dysfunctional dynamics in a dysfunctional relational setting, such as family you grew up in, and you have gotten programed to operate that way. So, normal person does not fit into your program. It's time to reprogram yourself. Learn healthy relationship patterns in healing settings, such as a small group.



To be continued....