Never Can Say Goodbye.

Friday morning I was woken up by my phone ringing non-stop. I looked at the clock and said to myself, "it is seven AM anyone that knows me well, knows I will still be sleeping and not get up to answer the phone." It continued to ring. I don't have an answering machine. Nothing against them, this is just my private life and I do not care to be bothered by messages. That is another blog though.
After I decided the phone was not going to stop ringing, I got up and crossed the room to pick up the receiver. I said to the caller, "This better be good..." I was sure it was a call for my niece. Her friends sometimes will call at strange hours with some lame 'teenage emergency' like some guy did not call them. I was ready to tell this caller where to shove it. I was not awake enough to wonder why no one else had gotten the phone.
"No, it is not good...Chuck, Mom is gone." It was my sister Karen. She and I are roommates, and I thought she was in her room asleep. As my mind cleared, I tried to make sense of who I was talking to and what she just said.
My mother had been in the hospital for about a week. Nothing new to her, she was in the hospital every other month, hurt from a fall, or some other malady. Her latest hospital visit was caused because she became incoherant, and could not breath.
I was under the impression Mom was getting better. Now my sister is calling me from the hospital telling me she was dead? This must be a dream... it was not a dream. My mother had some complications due to ulcers in her intestines, that caused her bowels and digestive system to stop working. She died in her sleep at 66.
I had not been very close with my mother. Up until the last few months, I had not spoken to her at all. I had moved away ten years ago, and until I was sure I was dying from cancer, I had not contacted my family. Again, another story. I talked with my mother in letters and on the phone, and decided I should come back to Arkansas to see her for what may be the last time.
We tried to get along. We had good days and bad days, but in the last three months we were able to at least bridge the gap between us, even if we could not mend it completely. Now she is gone.
As I stood there in the hospital, and looked down at her lifeless body, I tried to convince myself I could see her breathing. Although I knew she had passed. In fact, it was a good hour since her passing before I knew or could get there. There was no doubt about it. I finally went and sat down in a chair in the room. She was gone, there was nothing I could do.
I have only one regret. One real regret... I did not get a chance to tell her goodbye.I was glad she was no longer in pain. I was glad she had made peace with the Lord, and was sure she was going to heaven. I was glad to know her long years of suffering had finally came to an end. She was at peace, even if I did not share her religious believes. She was at peace.
Part of me wanted to cry, part of me wanted to scream. I had issues. Mostly, I was angry, and I did not know why. I do know now. I have thought about it all I care to think about it. I was upset that I did not get to say good bye. I needed to do that for closure I told myself.
I have been angry for three days. Then I realized, I would not want to say goodbye. I am sure that if she had been alive when I got there, I would have never uttered the words to her. I know that even if I knew in my heart, she would be dead within the hour, I would have not said the words. We always keep that glimmer of hope, that will not let us let go. Goodbye is assumed. Much like thank you is seen more in a smile than the words, goodbye is more in the heart. We all must say it in our hearts. The words themselves mean nothing. I have said my goodbye.It will take a while to let go... but at least I am no longer angry.