Should I bring her home? (41)
HJFinAZ: I only know what "I" do. Do I have regrets? Yep, sometimes I sure do. As many times as my mom says she does not want to interfere in my life, she really does. In reality, she wants "MY LIFE" to be consumed by her.
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
I guess that I'm lucky. My mom decided on her own to go to an adult care facility and she loves it there. She calls it home. She's in the hospital now and is anxious to return, hopefully next week.
I call her almost daily...she may not see me, but we can talk as long as we like.
I've flown to NY and taken care of her when she was sick or had surgery and after the first 2 weeks, she is ready for me to leave and I'm ready to go.
------ This thread is Archived ------
NAKEDMUDPEOPLE: If you are strong enough you might want to bring her home for a few days during the holidays.
Knowing how hard it is 24/7 a few day at a time may help both of you.
Knowing how hard it is 24/7 a few day at a time may help both of you.
I think that bringing her home for a few days would just lead back to him bringing her home to stay.
A day at home for the holidays and outings would be better, probably.
My Mom is happy just to go out to dinner or to a store to walk around pushing a basket. She doesn't want to go anywhere else to stay overnight.
------ This thread is Archived ------
bestbefore: Robert your Mother is not a parcel.Get yorself right before you start caring for others. According to your threads in the past you couldn't cope.So what makes you think you can now. get off the guilt trip and just support her with love and kindness.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Polarbutterfly: She's one of two people who's brought you into this world;
how could you not care for her,even in her state of health?
Yet,I can understand where you're coming from as I cared for
the elderly in a past job;it was so very hard to deal with them,
in their state of health.I was a caretaker and,at times it felt
like I was living with these frail and sickly people.It got so bad that I had to resign from my job;it was mentally and physically demanding of me.So,I know what you're going through.
Hope things work out for you.
how could you not care for her,even in her state of health?
Yet,I can understand where you're coming from as I cared for
the elderly in a past job;it was so very hard to deal with them,
in their state of health.I was a caretaker and,at times it felt
like I was living with these frail and sickly people.It got so bad that I had to resign from my job;it was mentally and physically demanding of me.So,I know what you're going through.
Hope things work out for you.
Because he begged me to, I brought my husband home from the nursing homes 3 times before I realized that it was impossible to care for him even with someone coming in for a couple of hours in the daytime. I was up all day and all night because he didn't want me to leave the room. He was very tall and I'm only 5'2. Trying to turn him and move him was almost impossible. He becoming mentally unbalanced and with that he sometimes would be very rough with me physically. The last time he went to the hospital, I was advised to not take him home again. I had such guilt feelings, but I was a wreck, lost weight, slept 3 hours a night, aged 10 years.
In the end, he didn't know who I was, thought I was his first wife and that really hurt even tho I know that he wasn't in his right mind.
Now, I know I did the right thing by not bringing him home again and should have never done it in the first place and the guilt has gone.
It's hard, Robert, but we are here for you.
------ This thread is Archived ------
Probably it is cultural thing but it is shame for the children to put their parents into nursing house. My 78 years old grandma broke her hips 2 years ago and still can not walk since the doctors said that she would not be able to manage the operation at her age. My parents are just happy to take care of her
------ This thread is Archived ------
Robert,
Do not feel guilty for not being able to keep your mom at home. I work in Long Term Care for the last 20 yrs as a nurse and have seen that feeling amongst many spouses and family members. There is an adjustment period for the person entering into Long Term Care but eventually, most people adjust and welcome the help. And there is also an adjustment period for the family members to deal with the guilt of putting their loved one in a facility and also for moving their own lives forwards finally.
If you put your mom in a facility with the "I don't want to take care of her attitude", then it's a selfish need for you. But if you put her in a facility with the "I am unable to take care of her properly, but I want to make sure she gets the best 24/7 care possible to meet her needs", then you are not being selfish. It is more of a loving act from someone that deeply cares.
You would have much more guilt seeing her wither away at home because you as a non medical person would not always know the right thing to do as her medical needs change. You would also see your own physical and mental health withering away too. This is surely not what your mother would want for you. Many times I've seen the caretaker family member wind up dying before the person they are caring for and the person they are caring for winds up in Long Term Care anyway and lives out their life for quite awhile yet, receiving 24/7 round the clock care anyway.
I am very supportive with my b/f whom I met 2 yrs ago on this site, as he is going through this probable scenario with his mom right now. I am utilizing my medical background to keep him posted on what I am assessing on her medical condition.
I hope I have been able to help you in some small way to deal with one of life's very tough unpleasant decisions to make
Do not feel guilty for not being able to keep your mom at home. I work in Long Term Care for the last 20 yrs as a nurse and have seen that feeling amongst many spouses and family members. There is an adjustment period for the person entering into Long Term Care but eventually, most people adjust and welcome the help. And there is also an adjustment period for the family members to deal with the guilt of putting their loved one in a facility and also for moving their own lives forwards finally.
If you put your mom in a facility with the "I don't want to take care of her attitude", then it's a selfish need for you. But if you put her in a facility with the "I am unable to take care of her properly, but I want to make sure she gets the best 24/7 care possible to meet her needs", then you are not being selfish. It is more of a loving act from someone that deeply cares.
You would have much more guilt seeing her wither away at home because you as a non medical person would not always know the right thing to do as her medical needs change. You would also see your own physical and mental health withering away too. This is surely not what your mother would want for you. Many times I've seen the caretaker family member wind up dying before the person they are caring for and the person they are caring for winds up in Long Term Care anyway and lives out their life for quite awhile yet, receiving 24/7 round the clock care anyway.
I am very supportive with my b/f whom I met 2 yrs ago on this site, as he is going through this probable scenario with his mom right now. I am utilizing my medical background to keep him posted on what I am assessing on her medical condition.
I hope I have been able to help you in some small way to deal with one of life's very tough unpleasant decisions to make
------ This thread is Archived ------
nakosya: Probably it is cultural thing but it is shame for the children to put their parents into nursing house. My 78 years old grandma broke her hips 2 years ago and still can not walk since the doctors said that she would not be able to manage the operation at her age. My parents are just happy to take care of her
That is nice if your parents have the income to stay home and take care of her.
What if both your mother and father had to work to keep there house? What then?
------ This thread is Archived ------
HJFinAZ: I only know what "I" do. Do I have regrets? Yep, sometimes I sure do. As many times as my mom says she does not want to interfere in my life, she really does. In reality, she wants "MY LIFE" to be consumed by her.
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
You are the exception to the rule.A one in a million son.
------ This thread is Archived ------
I do not know about "Care" facilities in other countries or in some other states. WHat I do know is the ones here in AZ get from $2500.00 a month and up for an elderely person to stay there. They rip people off for everything they have saved, when that is gone they come after family members. If the family cannot or will not pay, government does.
The last thing elderly people get is "care".
The last thing elderly people get is "care".
------ This thread is Archived ------
nakosya: Probably it is cultural thing but it is shame for the children to put their parents into nursing house. My 78 years old grandma broke her hips 2 years ago and still can not walk since the doctors said that she would not be able to manage the operation at her age. My parents are just happy to take care of her
Caring for someone has nothing to do with culture. Some people have to give their parents in to care as their homes are not equipped to cope with long term illnesses and disabilities.There is no choice where palliative care is required in some cases.
There must be underlying issues with this ladie's health not to operate on someone of 78.Im many countries they will not replace worn hips until over the age of 70 as they may need replacing in 10 years time.
------ This thread is Archived ------
HJFinAZ: I only know what "I" do. Do I have regrets? Yep, sometimes I sure do. As many times as my mom says she does not want to interfere in my life, she really does. In reality, she wants "MY LIFE" to be consumed by her.
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
What I know, is that by putting her in a nursing home would kill her in a matter of days. The question I have to ask myself is, "could I live with that"?
This is an excellent point. I wonder if instead of taking her to the nursing home, you could get a live in caretaker. This would relieve some of the pressure.
------ This thread is Archived ------
OneKitty: This is an excellent point. I wonder if instead of taking her to the nursing home, you could get a live in caretaker. This would relieve some of the pressure.
Tho it is a hard Call, I like your thought One kitty, to is much different when WE are not the one faced with it
------ This thread is Archived ------
RobertC2: My mother.
I couldn't cope looking after her.
I honestly believe I lost relationships because of the stress of looking after her 21/24 even with a short break every couple of months.
After my 'incident' I put her in a nursing home.
Now I have no personal life. Should I bring her home - however long it takes for her to die and give up any chance of my having a life of my own?
Would you be selfish and let her die in a nursing home - paralysed and unhappy - or would you bring her home and give up the freedom you finally got after 5.5 years?
I couldn't cope looking after her.
I honestly believe I lost relationships because of the stress of looking after her 21/24 even with a short break every couple of months.
After my 'incident' I put her in a nursing home.
Now I have no personal life. Should I bring her home - however long it takes for her to die and give up any chance of my having a life of my own?
Would you be selfish and let her die in a nursing home - paralysed and unhappy - or would you bring her home and give up the freedom you finally got after 5.5 years?
how many yrs did ur mother look after you??????
i cud never put my dad in a home he is a stoke victim
cant talk walk totally incapacitated n wud never dream of it
u get a lot of help i.e care workers,nurses,homehelp
u need to work out where ur priorities lie
------ This thread is Archived ------
i totally agree with you. i live with my mum and am her primary care giver.i think its our duty to care for them in their twilight years as they took care of us when we were babies.
------ This thread is Archived ------
HotrodLarrys: Tho it is a hard Call, I like your thought One kitty, to is much different when WE are not the one faced with it
I am the first to admit, I had NO IDEA what I was saying or what I was in for when I made this commitment. HAd I truly know, I very well may have kept MY BIG MOUTH SHUT!!
What I know, it is frustrating at times, but I am grateful I am capable of doing it.
------ This thread is Archived ------
I worked in a nursing home for two years and saw the way many family members did not come to visit. Watched countless people being ignored even when a health crisis was reported until it was too late to save them. Some of the staff had regrets and others just had fear of being in a malpractice law suit.
What I learned about the system across the state made it clear to me that I would rather give the care myself. Who would be better equipped to monitor any changes in our parent's health? My mother has never stopped looking out for me and I cannot see myself turning away from her.
What I learned about the system across the state made it clear to me that I would rather give the care myself. Who would be better equipped to monitor any changes in our parent's health? My mother has never stopped looking out for me and I cannot see myself turning away from her.
------ This thread is Archived ------
It's your call.
Your own happiness is as important as hers.
Then there's also the question of whether you're able to take care of her as well as the nursing home would.
My own parents were happy to go to a home after living under the thumb of my tyrannical sister for a couple of years, (in their own home).
Your own happiness is as important as hers.
Then there's also the question of whether you're able to take care of her as well as the nursing home would.
My own parents were happy to go to a home after living under the thumb of my tyrannical sister for a couple of years, (in their own home).
------ This thread is Archived ------
Get off the computer and take care of your mother
------ This thread is Archived ------
This Thread is Archived
This Thread is archived, so you will no longer be able to post to it. Threads get archived automatically when they are older than 3 months.
« Go back to All Threads
« Go back to All Threads
More Threads
Common Issues with the BMW X1
everything is changing
Don Shits-In-Pants!!!
rarotonga
Icebergs Still Around
Salami, Salami, Baloney
Nature
How far is too far?
1830's Music
Reality Check
More Threads
Report threads that break rules, are offensive, or contain fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. click to report forum abuse »
If one of the comments is offensive, please report the comment instead (there is a link in each comment to report it).
If one of the comments is offensive, please report the comment instead (there is a link in each comment to report it).
I couldn't cope looking after her.
I honestly believe I lost relationships because of the stress of looking after her 21/24 even with a short break every couple of months.
After my 'incident' I put her in a nursing home.
Now I have no personal life. Should I bring her home - however long it takes for her to die and give up any chance of my having a life of my own?
Would you be selfish and let her die in a nursing home - paralysed and unhappy - or would you bring her home and give up the freedom you finally got after 5.5 years?
NO! Robert, get off the guilt trip.
She is being well taken care of. Visit her often.
If you have a break down, she won't have you at all.
You're eating yourself up from the inside out.
You aren't being selfish, so STOP!!