Ethical Dilemma regarding my soon-2-b-x ( Archived) (33)

(If you haven't read about it already, I talked about my relationship on my thread "WOOHOO I'm Dating the Man of My Dreams")

I emailed my soon-2-b-x last night to let him know I'm dating William, because I felt he needed to know now, and that it was best if he heard it from me. I had also been waiting until after the divorce papers were filed, because I didn't want any angry, reactive, aggressive divorce stuff to deal with from him over it.

I just found an email from him this morning, BEGGING us to find another church.

He has been going there for 10 years and is a charter member, I have been going for 7, since he first took me there with him when we started dating. William has only been going since Feb. 12, the day we met.

Ron wanted to try to set up a type of restraining order as part of the divorce agreement (I know he couldn't do it): that I wouldn't attend any church functions on the property, or have any communication of any kind with "key members of the community" (meaning the minister, etc.) for THREE YEARS. I'm planning to leave the area in 4, when my younger daughter graduates high school, so this would essentially mean I would never attend there again.

I offered to not attend any church functions on the property for one year, and he refused that, then recanted the whole idea, saying he knew it was unreasonable.

Our minister said it was unethical and totally against the teachings of our place to do what he did, and that under no circumstances should I even consider leaving; how is he going to heal if he doesn't face the problem?

Our divorce mediator said I shouldn't leave either, and he's working with him on a relationship course that should help him through this fairly quickly IF he does the homework to the letter.

On the other hand, he's taking this divorce as a death, and through choices of his own, this is his only community. He doesn't have any real "friends" that I'm aware of, in terms of what we women have, although people would be if he let them (typical guy -- sorry guys )

If I had half the feelings for him that he still has for me, and I saw him extremely happy with another woman at church (especially making plans for the future), it would kill me, I wouldn't be able to go any more and see that, it would be too painful. And... if we leave for a year, that might make it easier for him to heal, because he would be continuing to attend, getting the messages of love and forgiveness, and he would have the support of the minister and the community to heal and for us to come back sooner. My best friend was pressuring me for us to leave for a while, based on this argument, and it does make sense.

If we stay, he will never come back... which is his choice, but I'd hate for him to do that.

If we leave for a year, it means not fully participating in some after-service social functions at my new place, because the days my daughter is with me, I'll have to rush back there and pick her up. (She'd still attend the same place, as she is very hooked into the youth program there.)

William is totally willing to leave for a year if that's what I want, although he LOVES the community and our minister. He was almost crying when we were talking about my previous offer, saying "I've spent 53 years looking for a spiritual home, and I've finally found it, only to be asked to leave... But if that's what you need to do, then I'll leave with you, of course we'll go together."

So I don't know what to do.

I'm going to talk to our minister about it this morning, and I'm going to pray about it and ask people to pray about it for us too, because I want to do the most loving thing.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

my thoughts
you have to live, if you do this whats next? stop foing to restaurants he might see you at? it goes on.
your minister said it was unethical and totally against the teachings of the church. You seem like a woman content and
heartfelt in your fait, i'ts obviously something that means
alot to you. your daughter also attend the same church and I
agrea with your minister when he says it would be detrimental
to the healing proccess, if his faith menas that much to him
he wont stop going either not to mention that everyone he
knows is there so it will become his support base. some things
are too important to compramise on. I would also suggest being
the woman of faith you are that you pray on this and have a
conversation with God about it because when it comes right
down to it, its really between you and he, what do you think
HE would have to say about the matter?

Nothing is ever easy where love or broken love is involved.

Here is my suggestion;

You are all grown adults in the same congregation. You have a minister and a mediator, use them. Take all 5 of you into the same room and deal with it as grown adults, since the divorce (if I understand correctly) has been finalized, so it is time to move on.....even if it is in the same church. Resolve the issue and agree with all 5 witnesses, there before your God.

Divorced couples still have to deal with the ex's families etc in the everyday, so deal with the same for your Sundays....

I think his faith doesn't mean nearly as much to him as it does to us... But that's just my interpretation, based on attending church with him there for 7 years, and not seeing much of anything really sink in in a way that made much of a difference on the outside (if it had, I probably wouldn't be divorcing him.)

We will be praying about it today, and for the near future, until we feel we have clear guidance about what is the most loving thing to do, for all of us.

Thanks for the suggestion that we all get together to try to work this out, I think that's a great idea!

Unfortunately, Ron would be totally unwilling, for a variety of reasons.

then either;

Tell Ron, that we are all God's children and created equal and so must we remain, despite where His plans lay......so come to where everyone is equal under the same roof, in the same room....

or

Tell him it will be by guess and by God...

I think I would remain at the church,esecially if you feel comfortable there.I grew up in one church,then when I got older I started looking for a new one.It takes time to find a church where you feel at home.My feeling is that if he can't accept it then he isn't being a very good christian brither.Yeah,I can see where he is coming from byt you have to face your fears & not run from them.I do think that counseling with the pastor is a good idea for all those involved.

Put that in your Church and smoke it.......

Personally I would consider this emotional blackmail! Essentially he is saying..Please put my hurt feelings above your own faith!

You have already stated that his faith probably does not matter to him as much as yours does or he would have made the changes that were necessary!

If he is that uncomfortable...let him be the one to find a new church! He is still trying to control you in some fashion...even though you are no longer together!

You should give him the clear message that shows...he no longer has the power to control you or your emotions!

Good Luck with your decision..May you and William have many happy days together and may you make the right choice for you!

From what I understand in what you wrote, you have found a new love, having met him at this church. If you can't alternate Sundays and times, and he is begging you not to go there, your ex has no one, and it's my suggestion to you to find another church. At least for a while, see what happens. Maybe in a few months, he will feel differently and all this anxiety will fade away.