so the question starts like this................... (26)
Hi Lok,
In all honesty I think the only two people that can sort it are you and your partner, you and her are a team right ? and teenagers will test the boundaries to see who is in control so if you and your partner work together and the kids sense that then they will back off eventually reinforce good behaviour and as much as you can ignore attention seeking behaviour ...
Kids need to know there are consequences to their actions - be consistent and don't threaten what you are not going to do. Back each other up and follow through - then everyone will know where they stand.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Family conference.. that way no one plays anyone else.. get it all out in the open...
DjWabbet: Family conference.. that way no one plays anyone else.. get it all out in the open...
Sorry ladies
Lok old buddy, you could be in the same place I was in the last 3 of my 4 marriages. I was always able to accept my partner's children, but they never accepted mine. i tend to believe that it may be a female thing to protect their own young. In the last one it went as far as grandchildren, I have twice as many as my ex. because I am in touch with the ones from her side. For those who know me, little Emmy is actually not related by blood at all.
Not saying it is something they are aware of, but it is a basic instinct to protect their young. Another aspect is that with the age of your child (teen) it could be that she is seen as competition by the partner? Hard place to be mate, take your time and try to work out what is causing it and how best to address the situation. The children should always be considered, all of the children.
Will be interested to see how this pans out for you mate.
Lok_Simpson: What do you do when your in a relationship , with someone , accept their kid/s and everything is ok ( kinda ok , kid is autistic ). Then a change happens in your life , like YOUR kid comes to live with you all , and the g/f doesnt seem to accept them, Like everything she does is wrong , or doesnt help around the house enough ( typical teenager if you ask me ).
then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
You are right about not clogging, but when you take this matter and consider it as part of the whole sitaution (with the other things included) it may help to resolve this part as well, or at least to explain this part. What I am saying is that all the matters of the relationship will be intertwined and can't be sorted in isolation.
How come you now have resposibility for your child that you didn't have initially. And you seem to be referreing its fulltime responsibility. Is this so.
know I should be harder on my son. But I lost my marriage with how hard I was on the kids. So that loss caused me to step back and away.
But it scares me. I know I should be stricter. I resent myself for not being stricter. But I don't wish to drive my son away. I don't want him to say I'm not coming to stay with you anymore.
And all we are talking about are household chores. I still have to do them if he isn't there. So what difference is it. But god help me if I find myself in your situation. How do I bring him into line without driving him away.
But the councillors all say. You can't discapline anothers child. So a united front has to be discussed behind closed doors. Then the Parent of the child has to come out and deliver the punishment with the other standing behind but keeping quiet. If that scenario doesn't work both ways your relationship ain't working. But perhaps part of the reason is, your child doesn't appreciate the hassles of living with and being austistic. And will need some serious education in this area. Hell even I don't know what it means to have to live with an austitic person all day.
Hope you can sort it out for the good of all Lok.
know I should be harder on my son. But I lost my marriage with how hard I was on the kids. So that loss caused me to step back and away.
But it scares me. I know I should be stricter. I resent myself for not being stricter. But I don't wish to drive my son away. I don't want him to say I'm not coming to stay with you anymore.
And all we are talking about are household chores. I still have to do them if he isn't there. So what difference is it. But god help me if I find myself in your situation. How do I bring him into line without driving him away.
But the councillors all say. You can't discapline anothers child. So a united front has to be discussed behind closed doors. Then the Parent of the child has to come out and deliver the punishment with the other standing behind but keeping quiet. If that scenario doesn't work both ways your relationship ain't working. But perhaps part of the reason is, your child doesn't appreciate the hassles of living with and being austistic. And will need some serious education in this area. Hell even I don't know what it means to have to live with an austitic person all day.
Hope you can sort it out for the good of all Lok.
Lok_Simpson: What do you do when your in a relationship , with someone , accept their kid/s and everything is ok ( kinda ok , kid is autistic ). Then a change happens in your life , like YOUR kid comes to live with you all , and the g/f doesnt seem to accept them, Like everything she does is wrong , or doesnt help around the house enough ( typical teenager if you ask me ).
then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
come live with me Lokthen your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
we can have two naughty teenage girls together and they can both be in our bad books
DjWabbet: Family conference.. that way no one plays anyone else.. get it all out in the open...
dragondog4: How come you now have resposibility for your child that you didn't have initially. And you seem to be referreing its fulltime responsibility. Is this so.
know I should be harder on my son. But I lost my marriage with how hard I was on the kids. So that loss caused me to step back and away.
But it scares me. I know I should be stricter. I resent myself for not being stricter. But I don't wish to drive my son away. I don't want him to say I'm not coming to stay with you anymore.
And all we are talking about are household chores. I still have to do them if he isn't there. So what difference is it. But god help me if I find myself in your situation. How do I bring him into line without driving him away.
But the councillors all say. You can't discapline anothers child. So a united front has to be discussed behind closed doors. Then the Parent of the child has to come out and deliver the punishment with the other standing behind but keeping quiet. If that scenario doesn't work both ways your relationship ain't working. But perhaps part of the reason is, your child doesn't appreciate the hassles of living with and being austistic. And will need some serious education in this area. Hell even I don't know what it means to have to live with an austitic person all day.
Hope you can sort it out for the good of all Lok.
Well DD Loks daughter didn't live in Qld so he hasn't seen her a lot and she has just recently come to live with him for good about 3 months ago...so it is all very new to Lok...hence why it is going to be lifetime responsibility for himknow I should be harder on my son. But I lost my marriage with how hard I was on the kids. So that loss caused me to step back and away.
But it scares me. I know I should be stricter. I resent myself for not being stricter. But I don't wish to drive my son away. I don't want him to say I'm not coming to stay with you anymore.
And all we are talking about are household chores. I still have to do them if he isn't there. So what difference is it. But god help me if I find myself in your situation. How do I bring him into line without driving him away.
But the councillors all say. You can't discapline anothers child. So a united front has to be discussed behind closed doors. Then the Parent of the child has to come out and deliver the punishment with the other standing behind but keeping quiet. If that scenario doesn't work both ways your relationship ain't working. But perhaps part of the reason is, your child doesn't appreciate the hassles of living with and being austistic. And will need some serious education in this area. Hell even I don't know what it means to have to live with an austitic person all day.
Hope you can sort it out for the good of all Lok.
redozichick: Well DD Loks daughter didn't live in Qld so he hasn't seen her a lot and she has just recently come to live with him for good about 3 months ago...so it is all very new to Lok...hence why it is going to be lifetime responsibility for him
fulltimeDjWabbet: Family conference.. that way no one plays anyone else.. get it all out in the open...
I agree! ask them to sit together while you speak. Tell them you love them all and you are doing your best. So in return you want them to do their best by trying to get along. If they cant, then tell them you are not a referee and to at least stop pushing each others buttons. You know that old saying... If you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all. You are not a machine and eventually you will seek a more peaceful situation if they dont help you.
(speaking from experience)
Good luck my friend
The child is not an adult and the adult should act like an adult. Your child should always come first! of course your child is manipulating you... it's his job. he/she wants to know you love them unconditionally BUT put boundries in place. rules for everyone. It's either everyone wins OR no one wins. And we all know which is the better choice. Put the question to them... Either we are a family or not??
underwaterman: Sorry ladies
Lok old buddy, you could be in the same place I was in the last 3 of my 4 marriages. I was always able to accept my partner's children, but they never accepted mine. i tend to believe that it may be a female thing to protect their own young. In the last one it went as far as grandchildren, I have twice as many as my ex. because I am in touch with the ones from her side. For those who know me, little Emmy is actually not related by blood at all.
Not saying it is something they are aware of, but it is a basic instinct to protect their young. Another aspect is that with the age of your child (teen) it could be that she is seen as competition by the partner? Hard place to be mate, take your time and try to work out what is causing it and how best to address the situation. The children should always be considered, all of the children.
Will be interested to see how this pans out for you mate.
Lok old buddy, you could be in the same place I was in the last 3 of my 4 marriages. I was always able to accept my partner's children, but they never accepted mine. i tend to believe that it may be a female thing to protect their own young. In the last one it went as far as grandchildren, I have twice as many as my ex. because I am in touch with the ones from her side. For those who know me, little Emmy is actually not related by blood at all.
Not saying it is something they are aware of, but it is a basic instinct to protect their young. Another aspect is that with the age of your child (teen) it could be that she is seen as competition by the partner? Hard place to be mate, take your time and try to work out what is causing it and how best to address the situation. The children should always be considered, all of the children.
Will be interested to see how this pans out for you mate.
underwaterman you speak good truth
redozichick: Well DD Loks daughter didn't live in Qld so he hasn't seen her a lot and she has just recently come to live with him for good about 3 months ago...so it is all very new to Lok...hence why it is going to be lifetime responsibility for him
Thanks red.
So Lok has some thinking to do for himself and his daughter.Thinking that none of us can really help with. We can offer suggestions but that is all they will be.
May you figure it out correctly Lok before it all backfires on you. Good luck.
All of the above Lok, first thing you have to do is sort a few things with the g/f and present a united front against the kids!
You both have to be on the same page as far as what is acceptable and what is not. It won't work if you make a stand and your partner disagrees or backs down - then the kids win.
Teenagers - well as I have said before Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and when I find out where teens come from I am sending them back.
The more people you talk to who have teens the more you realise yours are no different, lazy, untidy, lack of conversation other than a grunt, think they live in a bloody hotel, always on the net or mobiles ......... but you just have to hang in there and not give up on them, that's why you had kids isn't it?
Best of luck buddy.
You both have to be on the same page as far as what is acceptable and what is not. It won't work if you make a stand and your partner disagrees or backs down - then the kids win.
Teenagers - well as I have said before Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and when I find out where teens come from I am sending them back.
The more people you talk to who have teens the more you realise yours are no different, lazy, untidy, lack of conversation other than a grunt, think they live in a bloody hotel, always on the net or mobiles ......... but you just have to hang in there and not give up on them, that's why you had kids isn't it?
Best of luck buddy.
dragondog4: Thanks red.
So Lok has some thinking to do for himself and his daughter.Thinking that none of us can really help with. We can offer suggestions but that is all they will be.
May you figure it out correctly Lok before it all backfires on you. Good luck.
So Lok has some thinking to do for himself and his daughter.Thinking that none of us can really help with. We can offer suggestions but that is all they will be.
May you figure it out correctly Lok before it all backfires on you. Good luck.
Hope it works out for ya Loks and I can't offer advice as we all have our different opinions and this is something you are going to have to think about and sort out yourself.
Lok_Simpson: What do you do when your in a relationship , with someone , accept their kid/s and everything is ok ( kinda ok , kid is autistic ). Then a change happens in your life , like YOUR kid comes to live with you all , and the g/f doesnt seem to accept them, Like everything she does is wrong , or doesnt help around the house enough ( typical teenager if you ask me ).First and foremost, your partner is the other adult, so change only happens when the adults change their approach to the teen. Remember too, good things take time, so any change in behaviour will also take time. Both your partner and daughter, are settling into each other, getting to know each other. As a woman and a mum of a teen I'll be honest ... there is nothing worse than a teenage girl!! I disagree that its OK to be lazy because one is a teen. Thats BS I was out working full time at 15, paying rent, buying my own food and clothes. So in my opinion everyone has to pull their weight to make a family and a home, to accept anything less is a cop out.
then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.Well the stealing is out of line, and disrespectful. I think that one way to resolve the issues you face is to set out clear boundaries. Rules if you will and put them in writing.. NO misunderstandings. With clear consequences if they are not followed, ie wash dishes and leave to dry on sink, you will be home by 4.30pm or you will call, you will vacumme the lounge on Wednesday and Saturday.. perhaps pocket money is a reward..and if the chores arent done, then the money is forfit, or computer time, or the mobile phone taken away in the evenings. Let the punishment fit the crime. Nothing too overboard.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.Lok, your child loves you and likely is just trying to fit into a new situation and its really really hard. New school, new friends, new people in her relationship with dad. Your partner is trying to find her feet too, what can she say, what cant she say? This is where a family session with a counsellor may be really useful to help you all work out the ground rules and begin to find your place in your new family.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
Just remember that you started living with your partner because you loved her, and you have a wonderful daughter and you love her too. There are never enough hours in a day to let everyone know just how much you love them, but knock yourself out trying. This will work out, maybe your ladies will never be great friends, but they will learn to accept each other over time. Good luck and I hope that I've helped.then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.Well the stealing is out of line, and disrespectful. I think that one way to resolve the issues you face is to set out clear boundaries. Rules if you will and put them in writing.. NO misunderstandings. With clear consequences if they are not followed, ie wash dishes and leave to dry on sink, you will be home by 4.30pm or you will call, you will vacumme the lounge on Wednesday and Saturday.. perhaps pocket money is a reward..and if the chores arent done, then the money is forfit, or computer time, or the mobile phone taken away in the evenings. Let the punishment fit the crime. Nothing too overboard.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.Lok, your child loves you and likely is just trying to fit into a new situation and its really really hard. New school, new friends, new people in her relationship with dad. Your partner is trying to find her feet too, what can she say, what cant she say? This is where a family session with a counsellor may be really useful to help you all work out the ground rules and begin to find your place in your new family.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out
Sorry to say Lok but welcome to the life of a teenager or 's.
Believe it or not, it is actually quite normal for most and you will have a couple of rough years to go yet but I can assure you - it does get better.
Hey, I went through 2 messy boys and 2 messy rooms and anything else and couldn't help myself but have to go into their rooms and clean them and make their beds as couldnt handle the mess
But at least when they come home now, they clean and make beds
Believe it or not, it is actually quite normal for most and you will have a couple of rough years to go yet but I can assure you - it does get better.
Hey, I went through 2 messy boys and 2 messy rooms and anything else and couldn't help myself but have to go into their rooms and clean them and make their beds as couldnt handle the mess
But at least when they come home now, they clean and make beds
tarnsnz: Sorry to say Lok but welcome to the life of a teenager or 's.
Believe it or not, it is actually quite normal for most and you will have a couple of rough years to go yet but I can assure you - it does get better.
Hey, I went through 2 messy boys and 2 messy rooms and anything else and couldn't help myself but have to go into their rooms and clean them and make their beds as couldnt handle the mess
But at least when they come home now, they clean and make beds
Believe it or not, it is actually quite normal for most and you will have a couple of rough years to go yet but I can assure you - it does get better.
Hey, I went through 2 messy boys and 2 messy rooms and anything else and couldn't help myself but have to go into their rooms and clean them and make their beds as couldnt handle the mess
But at least when they come home now, they clean and make beds
reverse psychology?
so if i go into her room and clean/make bed , she will start doing it herself so im not snooping around?
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then your child ( who is a young teenager ) is caught stealing money from your partners wallet , and causes grief ( by being a typical lazy teenager ) and your partner is pretty much constantly harping on them to do things , and is never happy with what they do , and make sure you know when they are doing wrong...
I think im in a pretty crappy situation/bad time in my life atm , as being a "new" parent to a 14y.o , im finding it hard to work out punishment , and how to make sure they are doing their bit around the house to make it run smoothly.
Please remember , your only hearing my side , my child may be manipulating me to make my partner look worse than she possibly is.
there are other things , but i think other threads for them will be better than clogging this one up
Lok out