Should you choose your "best friend" for a long-term relationship? (51)
leostartingover: I was having dinner last night with a couple of girl friends, and we were discussing relationships (or the lack thereof). None of us are in one right now. The one girl is a psychiatrist and lost her long-term (although on/off) bf to cancer last year. The other is going through a nasty divorce after a 15 year marriage.... and then there's me - I met my ex when I was 21, married him at 24 and was married for 23 years til we divorced almost 3 years ago.
Anyway, we were talking about what makes a relationship last. We all know a handful of relationships that have stood the test of time and in fact, even flourished over the years. I remembered a dinner conversation from maybe 10 years ago; where after a few glasses of wine we were discussing what makes a marriage work. Two of the couples said that the answer is to marry your 'best friend'! At the time, in my 'youthful' arrogance, I was a little disparaging, saying: I don't need to marry my best friend - I have girlfriends for that... kinda thing. In retrospect though, I get what they were saying. I married someone handsome, charming, clever, ambitious, interesting, challenging, a good provider, blah blah... but did I feel that incredibly close emotional connection which allows you to open up your very soul and share the essence of who you are with someone else - NO. I did not. This next time round, that IS what I will be looking for, with a physical attraction/connection too of course!
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learnt from experience? Would you agree re: the above? Are any of you lucky enough to have found that elusive best friend/lover ideal connection??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Spill the beans!
Actually your best friend can have those qualities. I married my best friend. And as we grew older are bond got closer. Just when I thought I loved him so much you could love no one anymore I actually loved him more Anyway, we were talking about what makes a relationship last. We all know a handful of relationships that have stood the test of time and in fact, even flourished over the years. I remembered a dinner conversation from maybe 10 years ago; where after a few glasses of wine we were discussing what makes a marriage work. Two of the couples said that the answer is to marry your 'best friend'! At the time, in my 'youthful' arrogance, I was a little disparaging, saying: I don't need to marry my best friend - I have girlfriends for that... kinda thing. In retrospect though, I get what they were saying. I married someone handsome, charming, clever, ambitious, interesting, challenging, a good provider, blah blah... but did I feel that incredibly close emotional connection which allows you to open up your very soul and share the essence of who you are with someone else - NO. I did not. This next time round, that IS what I will be looking for, with a physical attraction/connection too of course!
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learnt from experience? Would you agree re: the above? Are any of you lucky enough to have found that elusive best friend/lover ideal connection??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Spill the beans!
I lost him to heart disease
The one thing I think that made us stand the test of time is we both were able to comunicate to each other how we felt and respected that we were individuals and that was ok. We also had the commitment to want to make our dreams come true. Ours was a simple a dream and we were well on our way. We wanted to grow old together and sit in our swing outside and watch the birds and animals. Holding hands. Sadly that dream will never be seen. But I feel in order for a relationship to work you both have to have the commitment to make it work
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leostartingover: I was having dinner last night with a couple of girl friends, and we were discussing relationships (or the lack thereof). None of us are in one right now. The one girl is a psychiatrist and lost her long-term (although on/off) bf to cancer last year. The other is going through a nasty divorce after a 15 year marriage.... and then there's me - I met my ex when I was 21, married him at 24 and was married for 23 years til we divorced almost 3 years ago.
Anyway, we were talking about what makes a relationship last. We all know a handful of relationships that have stood the test of time and in fact, even flourished over the years. I remembered a dinner conversation from maybe 10 years ago; where after a few glasses of wine we were discussing what makes a marriage work. Two of the couples said that the answer is to marry your 'best friend'! At the time, in my 'youthful' arrogance, I was a little disparaging, saying: I don't need to marry my best friend - I have girlfriends for that... kinda thing. In retrospect though, I get what they were saying. I married someone handsome, charming, clever, ambitious, interesting, challenging, a good provider, blah blah... but did I feel that incredibly close emotional connection which allows you to open up your very soul and share the essence of who you are with someone else - NO. I did not. This next time round, that IS what I will be looking for, with a physical attraction/connection too of course!
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learnt from experience? Would you agree re: the above? Are any of you lucky enough to have found that elusive best friend/lover ideal connection??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Spill the beans!
Anyway, we were talking about what makes a relationship last. We all know a handful of relationships that have stood the test of time and in fact, even flourished over the years. I remembered a dinner conversation from maybe 10 years ago; where after a few glasses of wine we were discussing what makes a marriage work. Two of the couples said that the answer is to marry your 'best friend'! At the time, in my 'youthful' arrogance, I was a little disparaging, saying: I don't need to marry my best friend - I have girlfriends for that... kinda thing. In retrospect though, I get what they were saying. I married someone handsome, charming, clever, ambitious, interesting, challenging, a good provider, blah blah... but did I feel that incredibly close emotional connection which allows you to open up your very soul and share the essence of who you are with someone else - NO. I did not. This next time round, that IS what I will be looking for, with a physical attraction/connection too of course!
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learnt from experience? Would you agree re: the above? Are any of you lucky enough to have found that elusive best friend/lover ideal connection??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Spill the beans!
well one thing is certain here , your not a one liner
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Happygolucky4u: Actually your best friend can have those qualities. I married my best friend. And as we grew older are bond got closer. Just when I thought I loved him so much you could love no one anymore I actually loved him more I lost him to heart disease The one thing I think that made us stand the test of time is we both were able to comunicate to each other how we felt and respected that we were individuals and that was ok. We also had the commitment to want to make our dreams come true. Ours was a simple a dream and we were well on our way. We wanted to grow old together and sit in our swing outside and watch the birds and animals. Holding hands. Sadly that dream will never be seen. But I feel in order for a relationship to work you both have to have the commitment to make it work
Thank you for sharing this! You are so incredibly fortunate to have experienced that. And I am sad that you weren't able to realise your dream. My sister found the love of her life and married him (2nd marriage) and they had 15 wonderful years together before he died last March. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes.
The big C word - commitment. Yes, it is a very big part of what one needs for a long-lasting relationship. So easy to up and leave when times get tough - much harder but more rewarding to stay and work through it!
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Boban1: well one thing is certain here , your not a one liner
So c'mon Boban.... enough of the pithy little sayings.... out with it!
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leostartingover: Thank you for sharing this! You are so incredibly fortunate to have experienced that. And I am sad that you weren't able to realise your dream. My sister found the love of her life and married him (2nd marriage) and they had 15 wonderful years together before he died last March. Life is so bloody unfair sometimes.
The big C word - commitment. Yes, it is a very big part of what one needs for a long-lasting relationship. So easy to up and leave when times get tough - much harder but more rewarding to stay and work through it!
The big C word - commitment. Yes, it is a very big part of what one needs for a long-lasting relationship. So easy to up and leave when times get tough - much harder but more rewarding to stay and work through it!
Tell me about lack of commitment. My ex's have done it without missing a beat. Not an ounce of morals or remorse, just tear years of being together to pieces in one felled swoop and on to the next guy like nothing had happened.
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leostartingover: So c'mon Boban.... enough of the pithy little sayings.... out with it!
I really don`t know
you chose your friends on a completely different criteria than your life partner ( at least thats how I see it)
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Boban1: I really don`t know
you chose your friends on a completely different criteria than your life partner ( at least thats how I see it)
you chose your friends on a completely different criteria than your life partner ( at least thats how I see it)
Yes... I guess that is true to a certain extent. You'd have to know my childhood/history to understand why that was. Anyway, we live and learn eh?!!!
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taff1: Tell me about lack of commitment. My ex's have done it without missing a beat. Not an ounce of morals or remorse, just tear years of being together to pieces in one felled swoop and on to the next guy like nothing had happened.
That is scary to think people are like that. Men and women I wonder how one can tell who is prone to that behavior 
And I am sorry it must have caused you emotional pain------ This thread is Archived ------
taff1: Tell me about lack of commitment. My ex's have done it without missing a beat. Not an ounce of morals or remorse, just tear years of being together to pieces in one felled swoop and on to the next guy like nothing had happened.
Yes sad. I suspect in certain situations people do not allow themselves to feel too deeply or get too entrenched in a relationship to avoid the possibility of being hurt. It is much easier for these people to move on...
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leostartingover: Yes... I guess that is true to a certain extent. You'd have to know my childhood/history to understand why that was. Anyway, we live and learn eh?!!!
I am sorry I have come upon the decision I know nothing about relationships so I have no answers for your opening
And from what I have learned from here I may never have no answers
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Proudamerican100: I am sorry I have come upon the decision I know nothing about relationships so I have no answers for your opening And from what I have learned from here I may never have no answers
we could learn ,together ...
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Proudamerican100: I am sorry I have come upon the decision I know nothing about relationships so I have no answers for your opening And from what I have learned from here I may never have no answers
Don't lose faith PA.... Honestly, life is all about learning, both from our mistakes and from our experiences.
I think some of the lessons are hard, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather open my heart to the possibility of love than keep it tightly closed and not ever give myself the chance to experience it again...------ This thread is Archived ------
Boban1: we could learn ,together ...
There ya go PA - you already have one possibility!!! ... and he is a sweetpea - a heart of gold!
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leostartingover: Yes sad. I suspect in certain situations people do not allow themselves to feel too deeply or get too entrenched in a relationship to avoid the possibility of being hurt. It is much easier for these people to move on...
To you and proudamerican, thanks for seeing it like that. I think it's worse than not getting too entrenched, well in their cases anyway. They simply didn't give a care, plain and simple! They thought they'd found that the grass was greener on the other side, but have since seen the light and regretted their decisions. I've been told a number of times that my ex wife wishes she had stayed with me and it's been over 6 years since we split.
As for my ex girlfriend, not only did she dump me and run off with the guy she cheated with, she dumped her kids too, which meant that they went to stay with their dad who lived far away, and I had no chance of seeing them again. He dumped his 2 kids too, so 5 kids between them on not one living with them! She has no conscience whatsoever and believes that she can do no wrong. Can you believe that after what she did to her family? Life is tough, and it takes all sorts to spin it around, but people like them make it very hard to trust and move on again. I'm giving it a go though after spending time to myself, so we'll see what happens.
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Proudamerican100: I am sorry I have come upon the decision I know nothing about relationships so I have no answers for your opening And from what I have learned from here I may never have no answers
I would be much the same. I seem to be a wallflower. I'm fine till I'm picked! But I wonder if it's the other way round. Perhaps it's not a matter of getting involved with your best friend. Perhaps it's about you and your partner becoming best friends!
But what would I know?
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taff1: To you and proudamerican, thanks for seeing it like that. I think it's worse than not getting too entrenched, well in their cases anyway. They simply didn't give a care, plain and simple! They thought they'd found that the grass was greener on the other side, but have since seen the light and regretted their decisions. I've been told a number of times that my ex wife wishes she had stayed with me and it's been over 6 years since we split.
As for my ex girlfriend, not only did she dump me and run off with the guy she cheated with, she dumped her kids too, which meant that they went to stay with their dad who lived far away, and I had no chance of seeing them again. He dumped his 2 kids too, so 5 kids between them on not one living with them! She has no conscience whatsoever and believes that she can do no wrong. Can you believe that after what she did to her family? Life is tough, and it takes all sorts to spin it around, but people like them make it very hard to trust and move on again. I'm giving it a go though after spending time to myself, so we'll see what happens.
As for my ex girlfriend, not only did she dump me and run off with the guy she cheated with, she dumped her kids too, which meant that they went to stay with their dad who lived far away, and I had no chance of seeing them again. He dumped his 2 kids too, so 5 kids between them on not one living with them! She has no conscience whatsoever and believes that she can do no wrong. Can you believe that after what she did to her family? Life is tough, and it takes all sorts to spin it around, but people like them make it very hard to trust and move on again. I'm giving it a go though after spending time to myself, so we'll see what happens.
Sadly, she sounds like her values are all screwed up. It must be hard to build up trust in women again after being burned like that, but I think it helps not to tarnish us all with the same paintbrush!!!! My advice is to take it slowly, and although I'm not one for delving into the past all the time; I feel it is important to understand why we chose the relationships we did... That way, we hopefully don't make the same mistake again!
Lots of good luck to you......
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with the lover u have the insecured feeling that he might get hurt for certain things which u can't explore but with a friend u r open to everything.
If ur lover is ur best friend or ur best friend is ur lover(there is a difference between these 2)u r riding in heaven
If ur lover is ur best friend or ur best friend is ur lover(there is a difference between these 2)u r riding in heaven
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I always thought my best friends were my long time relationships.
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Anyway, we were talking about what makes a relationship last. We all know a handful of relationships that have stood the test of time and in fact, even flourished over the years. I remembered a dinner conversation from maybe 10 years ago; where after a few glasses of wine we were discussing what makes a marriage work. Two of the couples said that the answer is to marry your 'best friend'! At the time, in my 'youthful' arrogance, I was a little disparaging, saying: I don't need to marry my best friend - I have girlfriends for that... kinda thing. In retrospect though, I get what they were saying. I married someone handsome, charming, clever, ambitious, interesting, challenging, a good provider, blah blah... but did I feel that incredibly close emotional connection which allows you to open up your very soul and share the essence of who you are with someone else - NO. I did not. This next time round, that IS what I will be looking for, with a physical attraction/connection too of course!
Would love to hear your thoughts on this. What have you learnt from experience? Would you agree re: the above? Are any of you lucky enough to have found that elusive best friend/lover ideal connection??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! Spill the beans!