Say something funny oh funny how?????? (62)
to cross or not to cross..that is the pondering question
Whats the difference between a snow man and a snow woman...???
Snowballs.....
Snowballs.....
tell your kids-grand kids..NEVER EAT OR PLAY WITH YELLOW SNOW!!!!!
I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister...
Number One Sport
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Life Quotes
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Brain Transplant
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the doctor.
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.
"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."
Lillym: Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United Wirral Wanderers players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A: Well, they had photos of
Paddy is standing the bar and ask's the man next to him for 5cts for a beer....The man say's here's 10cts get two....
Lillym: Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
L: I hear Liverpool FC won the Club World Cup last weekend.
P: Nope that's not true It was Inter Milan
I: Well I think Rafa is their former Coach
An Irish couple has been asked:
- You’ve got 14 children, is it a national tradition?
- No, our national tradition is quite different; children are just a side-effect of that tradition.
- You’ve got 14 children, is it a national tradition?
- No, our national tradition is quite different; children are just a side-effect of that tradition.
Money Quotes
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn
...Godolfo!
CuspofMagic: ...Godolfo!
That doesn't quite do it. I need real cheering up.
Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.
" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"
An old sultan walked into his harem, sat down next to the nearest wife and tiredly said:
“Your eyes like bright stars… pass that farther…”
“Your eyes like bright stars… pass that farther…”
Growing Wild
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
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- I'm a 53 YEAR'S YUNG MAN that lives back in the 80s
- Democrats destroyed America
- s*xual skills
- Would you hire this guy - for any job?
- What happened to CS while i was away.. (Long time)
- The GOP Representatives owned by Vladimir Putin
- Have it both ways!
- Unions support Democrats!
- One week of the most outrageous GOP leadership!
- Who will be The Last Person To Post... VERSION FOUR
Since the weather isn't that bad outside
Lets say something funny to keep it warm here inside. Here we go
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
DR. SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.Well around this time of the year it'll be "to die in the snow. Alone"
GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2010, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Is it the same chicken I had for dinner today???????????