afraid of getting with anyone because of little confidence...help? (72)
lifeisadream: Some men will go for a body and looks in women, while others
-the most interesting ones- will look inside your heart
after they check your body and looks
-the most interesting ones- will look inside your heart
after they check your body and looks
janie1305: Nice thought but I think the majority do go for looks first and foremost though.....
Arreglado Señora!
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jac379: The other thing some people will do is knock your confidence so you think you can't have a relationship unless they very kindly bestow themselves on you from the goodness of their heart.
All you have to do is be different from who you are and you might just be good enough for their mighty selves.
You've got three options here as I see it:
1. Accept conditional love and live your life in a state of anxiety about those conditions and desperately try and mould yourself according to someone else's order, like they've just chosen a meal and they'll send it back if its not up to scratch;
2. Stay single forever and ever; or
3. Get it together with someone who thinks you're just a bit spesh, just the way you are.
I recommend the latter option. I think you'll find if you open yourself to the possibility, you'll be spoilt for choice.
(And recommend you tell the twits in the first category to go sling their hook.)
All you have to do is be different from who you are and you might just be good enough for their mighty selves.
You've got three options here as I see it:
1. Accept conditional love and live your life in a state of anxiety about those conditions and desperately try and mould yourself according to someone else's order, like they've just chosen a meal and they'll send it back if its not up to scratch;
2. Stay single forever and ever; or
3. Get it together with someone who thinks you're just a bit spesh, just the way you are.
I recommend the latter option. I think you'll find if you open yourself to the possibility, you'll be spoilt for choice.
(And recommend you tell the twits in the first category to go sling their hook.)
thank you so much. youve given me a lot to think about :)
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Stacerz: thank you so much. youve given me a lot to think about :)
And you've got me thinking, too. Its important to remember its an interactive process.
Stacerz: That actually wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want people telling me I'm pretty or how to lose weight because I go to the gym. I was hoping for insight into a man's mind and possibly ways of building my confidence...because I don't have that much
Let's start with 'a man's mind'.
Although there maybe some cultural similarities of thought, we must remember that each mind is unique. You can see from your thread you've had a variety of responses from men - some who think you're great just as you are (and from that there may be men who'd be a little disappointed if you did lose weight), some who try to provide practical solutions (but maybe miss out some finer details when saying weight loss is simple a matter of the intake versus output ratio, for example, this doesn't include the impact stress may have on our biochemistry) and those who will use your vulnerability in order to control your choices such that their own needs are satisfied at the expense of yours.
Again, the thing to remember is that dating/relationship choices are interactive which means you have control over them, too. You don't have to think in terms of sitting on the shelf waiting to be picked. You may actively select a partner appropriate for your needs as well as theirs...and tell some others to sling their hook, as I said before.
Continued...
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Stacerz: That actually wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want people telling me I'm pretty or how to lose weight because I go to the gym. I was hoping for insight into a man's mind and possibly ways of building my confidence...because I don't have that much
Best of luck with insight into a man's mind - when you get that insight please share it with the rest of us CS women.
Confidence comes from within as you WORK toward personal, and professional goals- I have read that some of the most beautiful women in the world lack self-confidence. However, there is such a thing as over confidence too.
The point is - confidence will come as you DO stuff - when you go out on dates, meet new people, involve yourself in your community, step outside yourself - try stuff and realize that you might fail the first, second, third, fourth and fifth time and then you might actually accomplish your goal in something - little or big - you make discoveries about who you are and what you can do.
try confidence building in what you are DOING not in WHAT YOU ARE....
All the best to you, however it works out.
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Stacerz: lol you are too funni :) i like these metaphors alot :)
but your right, i do need to appreciate my good points and ill learn to love myself in time....im sure :)
but your right, i do need to appreciate my good points and ill learn to love myself in time....im sure :)
And this is why we say youth is wasted on the youth - how long are you going to take to realise that your youth is beautiful and precious and in your youth you are beautiful and precious? Only when its over and its too late to go back and enjoy it?
Try not to miss out on it, its should be a lovely season in your life.
And I'm glad you liked my post and I wasn't just amusing myself. If I had just have been amusing myself, that would have been good, but its so much more fun to share. (<---there's a moral in that tale, somewhere.)
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Maus19: But if she's a wise old baggy granny she'll take the sting out with a few wise words she wrote herself.
When am I ever not thinking aloud?
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jac379: When am I ever not thinking aloud?
like the ship, that one
falls asleep
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Stacerz: lol you are too funni :) i like these metaphors alot :)
but your right, i do need to appreciate my good points and ill learn to love myself in time....im sure :)
but your right, i do need to appreciate my good points and ill learn to love myself in time....im sure :)
Stacerz,
I used to be You.
I used to be your age. I used to believe that the woman looking back at me in the mirror was ugly, undesirable, unworthy of a man's attention.
Why did I believe that?
My hair wasn't sleek and blond, my breasts were large, my hips were wider than my friends'. The men would flock to my friends whose body bits were different than mine. How unfair was that?!! My mind convinced me that it was my body that kept men at bay.
Guess what Stacerz?
It was my downcast eyes, my inability to form a response, the obvious discomfort I was unconciously displaying, my aura of low self-esteem, that was creating a barrier that kept men away. Would you approach a man with these qualities? It isn't your body keeping men from approaching you, it's your lack of pride and esteem in yourself.
I look back at photos of myself at your age and am astounded that I wasted all those years believing I was abhorrent. I was lovely! I wasn't fat at all! It is obvious to me now, it is clear in the photos. I was viewing myself through a distorted lens. That lens lied to me.
Better that you get a grip on this reality now, rather than "I will hopefully learn that one day". If you are not beautiful from within, you will not exude beauty.
Fake it until you believe it. Look strangers straight in the eye. Don't look away. Smile at people, don't look down. Learn how to interact with others by observing that which you admire in others. Pretend that you are extroverted, vibrant, worth and an transformation will take place. You actually WILL BE these things with time and practice, and people, men and women, will be drawn to your positive energy.
Believe it and you will achieve it.
Kaybee
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sophiasummer: like the ship, that one
falls asleep
falls asleep
Oh blimey, Soph's writing to me in a haiku again.
She does it to confuse the overly verbose, y'know.
Hiya Soph.
I need an explanation please, hun. 
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And yet the most pertinent advice of all was completely ignored. 
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Kaybee50: Stacerz,
I used to be You.
I used to be your age. I used to believe that the woman looking back at me in the mirror was ugly, undesirable, unworthy of a man's attention.
Why did I believe that?
My hair wasn't sleek and blond, my breasts were large, my hips were wider than my friends'. The men would flock to my friends whose body bits were different than mine. How unfair was that?!! My mind convinced me that it was my body that kept men at bay.
Guess what Stacerz?
It was my downcast eyes, my inability to form a response, the obvious discomfort I was unconciously displaying, my aura of low self-esteem, that was creating a barrier that kept men away. Would you approach a man with these qualities? It isn't your body keeping men from approaching you, it's your lack of pride and esteem in yourself.
I look back at photos of myself at your age and am astounded that I wasted all those years believing I was abhorrent. I was lovely! I wasn't fat at all! It is obvious to me now, it is clear in the photos. I was viewing myself through a distorted lens. That lens lied to me.
Better that you get a grip on this reality now, rather than "I will hopefully learn that one day". If you are not beautiful from within, you will not exude beauty.
Fake it until you believe it. Look strangers straight in the eye. Don't look away. Smile at people, don't look down. Learn how to interact with others by observing that which you admire in others. Pretend that you are extroverted, vibrant, worth and an transformation will take place. You actually WILL BE these things with time and practice, and people, men and women, will be drawn to your positive energy.
Believe it and you will achieve it.
Kaybee
I used to be You.
I used to be your age. I used to believe that the woman looking back at me in the mirror was ugly, undesirable, unworthy of a man's attention.
Why did I believe that?
My hair wasn't sleek and blond, my breasts were large, my hips were wider than my friends'. The men would flock to my friends whose body bits were different than mine. How unfair was that?!! My mind convinced me that it was my body that kept men at bay.
Guess what Stacerz?
It was my downcast eyes, my inability to form a response, the obvious discomfort I was unconciously displaying, my aura of low self-esteem, that was creating a barrier that kept men away. Would you approach a man with these qualities? It isn't your body keeping men from approaching you, it's your lack of pride and esteem in yourself.
I look back at photos of myself at your age and am astounded that I wasted all those years believing I was abhorrent. I was lovely! I wasn't fat at all! It is obvious to me now, it is clear in the photos. I was viewing myself through a distorted lens. That lens lied to me.
Better that you get a grip on this reality now, rather than "I will hopefully learn that one day". If you are not beautiful from within, you will not exude beauty.
Fake it until you believe it. Look strangers straight in the eye. Don't look away. Smile at people, don't look down. Learn how to interact with others by observing that which you admire in others. Pretend that you are extroverted, vibrant, worth and an transformation will take place. You actually WILL BE these things with time and practice, and people, men and women, will be drawn to your positive energy.
Believe it and you will achieve it.
Kaybee
I like, KB.
In fact, I like KB.
Sometimes all we have to do is shift a comma and there's a whole new perspective and understanding.
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MADDOG69: And yet the most pertinent advice of all was completely ignored.
Which do feel is the most pertinent advice that was ignored?
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jac379: I like, KB.
In fact, I like KB.
Sometimes all we have to do is shift a comma and there's a whole new perspective and understanding.
In fact, I like KB.
Sometimes all we have to do is shift a comma and there's a whole new perspective and understanding.
Now don't go making me cry by saying something so nice.
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Kaybee50: Now don't go making me cry by saying something so nice.
Okay, no problem. Its way too American and high expressed emotion to be seemly anyway.
Lets go back to you making fun of me and me cackling like a witch.
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jac379: Okay, no problem. Its way too American and high expressed emotion to be seemly anyway.
Lets go back to you making fun of me and me cackling like a witch.
Lets go back to you making fun of me and me cackling like a witch.
I've never made fun of you.
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jac379: Which do feel is the most pertinent advice that was ignored?
My advice... duh obviously.
And there was some pearls of wisdom dropped in there by some men, Leo_7 etc. Most of what she got was some wishy washy from men and women a generation or more older which on the street means absolutely nothing when she wants to understand men in her own peer group... and most importantly herself. KB's words which could transcend a lot of subjects though, was concrete stuff and a blinding exception.She didn't even address what I had questioned about what she does in the gym. I used to see lots of women go to the gym.,.... basically to watch the soaps on a treadmill, and drink designer water and talk bollix to their friends... and then go home and munch on a load of Jaffa cakes because they felt better. I saw them GAIN weight. And then end up even more depressed.
Her side stepping of this BTW is what I have seen many times before when people asked me stuff face to face on the matter.
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MADDOG69: My advice... duh obviously. And there was some pearls of wisdom dropped in there by some men, Leo_7 etc. Most of what she got was some wishy washy from men and women a generation or more older which on the street means absolutely nothing when she wants to understand men in her own peer group... and most importantly herself. KB's words which could transcend a lot of subjects though, was concrete stuff and a blinding exception.
She didn't even address what I had questioned about what she does in the gym. I used to see lots of women go to the gym.,.... basically to watch the soaps on a treadmill, and drink designer water and talk bollix to their friends... and then go home and munch on a load of Jaffa cakes because they felt better. I saw them GAIN weight. And then end up even more depressed.
Her side stepping of this BTW is what I have seen many times before when people asked me stuff face to face on the matter.
She didn't even address what I had questioned about what she does in the gym. I used to see lots of women go to the gym.,.... basically to watch the soaps on a treadmill, and drink designer water and talk bollix to their friends... and then go home and munch on a load of Jaffa cakes because they felt better. I saw them GAIN weight. And then end up even more depressed.
Her side stepping of this BTW is what I have seen many times before when people asked me stuff face to face on the matter.
You do have a point when you mention young men in the op's peer group as this generation does seem more obsessed with thin as the ideal, certainly much more than when I was a young woman. I also agree that Kaybee's post was a pearl as she has clearly fought similar demons and therefore understands more than most of us.
But you know, young people are, and always have been full of insecurities for all sorts of reasons, weight, skin, hair, the list goes on, and sometimes they live with those insecurities for the rest of their lives sadly, so older and perhaps wiser folk can offer a few words in order to bolster self-esteem in a constructive way without being criticised for doing so.
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MADDOG69: My advice... duh obviously. And there was some pearls of wisdom dropped in there by some men, Leo_7 etc. Most of what she got was some wishy washy from men and women a generation or more older which on the street means absolutely nothing when she wants to understand men in her own peer group... and most importantly herself. KB's words which could transcend a lot of subjects though, was concrete stuff and a blinding exception.
She didn't even address what I had questioned about what she does in the gym. I used to see lots of women go to the gym.,.... basically to watch the soaps on a treadmill, and drink designer water and talk bollix to their friends... and then go home and munch on a load of Jaffa cakes because they felt better. I saw them GAIN weight. And then end up even more depressed.
Her side stepping of this BTW is what I have seen many times before when people asked me stuff face to face on the matter.
She didn't even address what I had questioned about what she does in the gym. I used to see lots of women go to the gym.,.... basically to watch the soaps on a treadmill, and drink designer water and talk bollix to their friends... and then go home and munch on a load of Jaffa cakes because they felt better. I saw them GAIN weight. And then end up even more depressed.
Her side stepping of this BTW is what I have seen many times before when people asked me stuff face to face on the matter.
Okay, you're entitled to live your life by your own advice to meet your own needs.
As I see it, the OP assertively and politely redirected the thread saying she didn't create it to be told she's pretty, or get advice about losing weight, but that she looking for a more intellectual and emotional approach.
Some of have taken that on board and attempted to meet her needs. It doesn't really matter if we've got it all exactly right - she's an intelligent woman and I've no doubt she can extract what is relevant to her and if anything sparks off some processing for her, then she's made something of it for herself. She's not obliged to accept everything that's been said verbatim.
Why do you feel maligned that she said she doesn't want fitness advice and she's got that area covered?
Why do you think she's obliged to answer to you and account for her fitness regime to you?
Why do you feel the need to become rude about women's choices because your advice is not what she's looking for?
Why do you feel the need to criticise her choices?
Why do you think she's likely to open up to you, so you may criticise her choices further?
Why do you assume she doesn't know what she's doing in terms of her fitness, or hasn't made the choices she wants to make with regards to her fitness regime?
What needs of yours do you expect to be met on this thread created she to meet her needs? Why do you feel your needs should be met by the OP?
What part of 'no thank you' do you not understand?
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just be yorself,dont try to force anything. dont forget you must love who you are before you can love someone else! your a very attractive young woman..dont worry about what people might think....be yourself..
hope this helped :>
Robert
hope this helped :>
Robert
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Firstly, the leggy, considered conventionally 'gorgeous' of women are often the least confident and least secure of us all - truly! What an image to have to keep up. Would you really want all that hard work?
Secondly, lack of confidence is not a rarity. What's the worst that can happen? Nobody (to my knowledge) has actually died of embarrassment. We will all encounter situations of uncertainty at some time and please bear in mind that, however hard you strive, you can't please all the people all the time.
And, lastly, even those men who say they prefer thin women don't actually want to end up with a stick insect. Okay for a date, perhaps, but a longer term, serious relationship? Nahhh......
Its still down to individuals and the one who values you for YOU and not the outer covering will be worth waiting for, surely?
Just be yourself and feel good about the skin you're in. You look pretty good to me....