Post me your most favourite JOKE. (14)
THE TRAIN
The British train was quite crowded. A US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window."
The British train was quite crowded. A US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window."
Choose a Heaven
Joke A man died and appeared before the Pearly Gates. "Welcome," said Saint Peter warmly, "and which Heaven would you like to be in?"
"What do you mean, 'which Heaven,'" asked the man.
"Oh, we assign people to the Heaven of their choice, depending on their religion," answered the Saint. "So what's yours?"
"I'm an Atheist," stammered the man.
"Still?" asked St. Peter.
"Well..."
"Never mind," said the Saint. "I'll give you the tour. I do this for lots of folks."
With that St. Peter led the man past all the various Heavens -- the Muslim Heaven of beautiful mats of green grass and bright flowers on which blessed souls reclined while nubile houris ministered to their every need, the Catholic Heaven where blessed souls drank sherry and played bingo, the Jewish Heaven where blessed souls argued passionately about politics and ate latkes -- Heaven after Heaven. Finally, they came to a pair of heavy steel doors. "SHHH!" hissed St. Peter, and they passed in complete silence.
"What was that about?" asked the man, when they were out of earshot.
"Oh, those are the Fundamentalists," answered the Saint. "It would ruin it for them if they knew anyone else was here."
Joke A man died and appeared before the Pearly Gates. "Welcome," said Saint Peter warmly, "and which Heaven would you like to be in?"
"What do you mean, 'which Heaven,'" asked the man.
"Oh, we assign people to the Heaven of their choice, depending on their religion," answered the Saint. "So what's yours?"
"I'm an Atheist," stammered the man.
"Still?" asked St. Peter.
"Well..."
"Never mind," said the Saint. "I'll give you the tour. I do this for lots of folks."
With that St. Peter led the man past all the various Heavens -- the Muslim Heaven of beautiful mats of green grass and bright flowers on which blessed souls reclined while nubile houris ministered to their every need, the Catholic Heaven where blessed souls drank sherry and played bingo, the Jewish Heaven where blessed souls argued passionately about politics and ate latkes -- Heaven after Heaven. Finally, they came to a pair of heavy steel doors. "SHHH!" hissed St. Peter, and they passed in complete silence.
"What was that about?" asked the man, when they were out of earshot.
"Oh, those are the Fundamentalists," answered the Saint. "It would ruin it for them if they knew anyone else was here."
what happened when the irish man wanted burying at sea?
six of his mates drowned trying to dig a hole!
six of his mates drowned trying to dig a hole!
Man talking to his wife
Darling why do you never let me know when your having a o*gasm?
Wife replies_ I told you I hate phoning you at work!!!!
old ones, the best.
Darling why do you never let me know when your having a o*gasm?
Wife replies_ I told you I hate phoning you at work!!!!
old ones, the best.
Man comes down from his hotel room,and orders breakfast.
Waiter: "Good Morning,sir. What would you like?"
Man: "2 charred rashers of bacon,2 sausages,burnt on one side,and uncooked on the other.Cindered toast,and 2 fried eggs,with the yolks burst,and the whole lot swimming in grease."
Waiter: "I'm sorry,sir. But we could'nt possibly serve up a meal like that."
Man: "Why not? You did yesterday."
Waiter: "Good Morning,sir. What would you like?"
Man: "2 charred rashers of bacon,2 sausages,burnt on one side,and uncooked on the other.Cindered toast,and 2 fried eggs,with the yolks burst,and the whole lot swimming in grease."
Waiter: "I'm sorry,sir. But we could'nt possibly serve up a meal like that."
Man: "Why not? You did yesterday."
A Jew, A Rabbi, and a Christian walk into a Bar.... the Barman said 'Is this a Joke'
What did the Rabbi say when an Anglican Bishop asked which charities collections in Syangogues were given to
Rabbi
Oi Veh ! - Ve chuck the shekels high up in the air -
Vot stays up he keeps 'n' Vot comes down Ve keep
Rabbi
Oi Veh ! - Ve chuck the shekels high up in the air -
Vot stays up he keeps 'n' Vot comes down Ve keep
Silly little joke for ya'll..
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
'Cos if it was small, white and round it would be an asparin
Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
'Cos if it was small, white and round it would be an asparin
An Arab walks into a Jewsih Bar and orders 15 Scotch whiskies on his tab - The barman eventually says - That's going to cost you a bomb
The Arab says - *Its on the end of the bar*
The Arab says - *Its on the end of the bar*
A Dubliner asks a Kerryman
Whats the difference between an elephants arse and a letterbox
The Kerryman says I dunno - You tell me
Says the Dubliner - It's bugger all good sending you to post a letter
Whats the difference between an elephants arse and a letterbox
The Kerryman says I dunno - You tell me
Says the Dubliner - It's bugger all good sending you to post a letter
The Talking Clock
2 guys arrive home after a night out. The pal asks the guy that lives there "What time is it?"
"Watch this, I'll use my talking clock to let you know."
"Bollocks, you have not got a talking clock!"
"Observe!" And at that point he picks up a hammer and smashes it into a massive bong thats hanging in the hallway.
"FOR f*ck SAKE!!" is screamed from through the wall "ITS HALF TWO IN THE f*ckING MORNING!!"
The Talking Dog
A dog walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman serves him the pint and says "We have'nt had many talking dogs in here before"
Dog replies "I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work if you know of anywhere?"
Barman: "Try the circus across the road"
Dog: "What the f*ck would a circus do with a kitchen fitter?!"
The Operation
A man wakes up in hospital after having an operation.
"Doctor!! Doctor!! I cant feel my legs!!"
Doctor: "Thats coz we amputated your arms"
2 guys arrive home after a night out. The pal asks the guy that lives there "What time is it?"
"Watch this, I'll use my talking clock to let you know."
"Bollocks, you have not got a talking clock!"
"Observe!" And at that point he picks up a hammer and smashes it into a massive bong thats hanging in the hallway.
"FOR f*ck SAKE!!" is screamed from through the wall "ITS HALF TWO IN THE f*ckING MORNING!!"
The Talking Dog
A dog walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman serves him the pint and says "We have'nt had many talking dogs in here before"
Dog replies "I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work if you know of anywhere?"
Barman: "Try the circus across the road"
Dog: "What the f*ck would a circus do with a kitchen fitter?!"
The Operation
A man wakes up in hospital after having an operation.
"Doctor!! Doctor!! I cant feel my legs!!"
Doctor: "Thats coz we amputated your arms"
Ok, my favourite is.. There were two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'can you smell fish?' ...i love that...
Not a joke,exactly. More of a great come-back by Sir Winston Churchill,responding to a woman who is obviously not his NO1 fan.
Woman: "Sir,if you was my husband,i would poison your coffee."
Sir Winston: "Madam,if you was my wife,i would drink it".
Woman: "Sir,if you was my husband,i would poison your coffee."
Sir Winston: "Madam,if you was my wife,i would drink it".
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Created: Sep 2008
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'