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Post me your most favourite JOKE. (14)

Sep 27, 2008 12:45 PM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
NESMAN
NESMANNESMANsheffield, South Yorkshire, England UK34 Threads 20 Polls 228 Posts
Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!' laugh rolling on the floor laughing peace
Oct 12, 2008 8:14 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
Perspicacious
PerspicaciousPerspicaciousNewcastle upon Tyne, Tyne and Wear, England UK10 Posts
THE TRAIN

The British train was quite crowded. A US Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b***h out the window."
Oct 12, 2008 8:33 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
trish123
trish123trish123Macclesfield, Cheshire, England UK231 Threads 6 Polls 19,911 Posts
Choose a Heaven


Joke A man died and appeared before the Pearly Gates. "Welcome," said Saint Peter warmly, "and which Heaven would you like to be in?"

"What do you mean, 'which Heaven,'" asked the man.

"Oh, we assign people to the Heaven of their choice, depending on their religion," answered the Saint. "So what's yours?"

"I'm an Atheist," stammered the man.

"Still?" asked St. Peter.

"Well..."

"Never mind," said the Saint. "I'll give you the tour. I do this for lots of folks."

With that St. Peter led the man past all the various Heavens -- the Muslim Heaven of beautiful mats of green grass and bright flowers on which blessed souls reclined while nubile houris ministered to their every need, the Catholic Heaven where blessed souls drank sherry and played bingo, the Jewish Heaven where blessed souls argued passionately about politics and ate latkes -- Heaven after Heaven. Finally, they came to a pair of heavy steel doors. "SHHH!" hissed St. Peter, and they passed in complete silence.

"What was that about?" asked the man, when they were out of earshot.

"Oh, those are the Fundamentalists," answered the Saint. "It would ruin it for them if they knew anyone else was here."
Oct 12, 2008 2:07 PM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
biggergirl
biggergirlbiggergirlSheffield, South Yorkshire, England UK13 Threads 192 Posts
what happened when the irish man wanted burying at sea?





six of his mates drowned trying to dig a hole!rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
Oct 27, 2008 5:15 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
seanmc
seanmcseanmcblackburn, Lancashire, England UK1 Threads 28 Posts
Man talking to his wife
Darling why do you never let me know when your having a o*gasm?
Wife replies_ I told you I hate phoning you at work!!!! rolling on the floor laughing


old ones, the best.grin
Oct 27, 2008 5:37 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
muleguy52
muleguy52muleguy52Liverpool, Merseyside, England UK8 Threads 459 Posts
Man comes down from his hotel room,and orders breakfast.

Waiter: "Good Morning,sir. What would you like?"

Man: "2 charred rashers of bacon,2 sausages,burnt on one side,and uncooked on the other.Cindered toast,and 2 fried eggs,with the yolks burst,and the whole lot swimming in grease."

Waiter: "I'm sorry,sir. But we could'nt possibly serve up a meal like that."

Man: "Why not? You did yesterday."
Oct 27, 2008 6:35 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
stooie1971
stooie1971stooie1971Las America's, Canary Islands Spain131 Threads 3 Polls 3,571 Posts
A Jew, A Rabbi, and a Christian walk into a Bar.... the Barman said 'Is this a Joke'
Oct 27, 2008 6:52 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
What did the Rabbi say when an Anglican Bishop asked which charities collections in Syangogues were given to

Rabbi
Oi Veh ! - Ve chuck the shekels high up in the air -
Vot stays up he keeps 'n' Vot comes down Ve keep
Oct 27, 2008 6:53 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
Seabiscuit
SeabiscuitSeabiscuitPlymouth, Devon, England UK69 Threads 2,362 Posts
Silly little joke for ya'll..

Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?


'Cos if it was small, white and round it would be an asparin
Oct 27, 2008 6:57 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
An Arab walks into a Jewsih Bar and orders 15 Scotch whiskies on his tab - The barman eventually says - That's going to cost you a bomb

The Arab says - *Its on the end of the bar*
Oct 27, 2008 7:03 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
mike1937
mike1937mike1937Broadstairs, Kent, England UK22 Threads 2 Polls 1,184 Posts
A Dubliner asks a Kerryman

Whats the difference between an elephants arse and a letterbox

The Kerryman says I dunno - You tell me

Says the Dubliner - It's bugger all good sending you to post a letter
Oct 27, 2008 7:49 AM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
JamesPond
JamesPondJamesPondWest Lothian, Lothian, Scotland UK3 Threads 64 Posts
The Talking Clock

2 guys arrive home after a night out. The pal asks the guy that lives there "What time is it?"

"Watch this, I'll use my talking clock to let you know."

"Bollocks, you have not got a talking clock!"

"Observe!" And at that point he picks up a hammer and smashes it into a massive bong thats hanging in the hallway.

"FOR f*ck SAKE!!" is screamed from through the wall "ITS HALF TWO IN THE f*ckING MORNING!!"



The Talking Dog

A dog walks into a pub and orders a pint. The barman serves him the pint and says "We have'nt had many talking dogs in here before"

Dog replies "I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work if you know of anywhere?"

Barman: "Try the circus across the road"

Dog: "What the f*ck would a circus do with a kitchen fitter?!"


The Operation

A man wakes up in hospital after having an operation.

"Doctor!! Doctor!! I cant feel my legs!!"

Doctor: "Thats coz we amputated your arms"
Nov 3, 2008 4:20 PM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
Emmet1972
Emmet1972Emmet1972Fife, Scotland UK1 Posts
Ok, my favourite is.. There were two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'can you smell fish?' ...i love that...
Nov 3, 2008 6:09 PM CST Post me your most favourite JOKE.
muleguy52
muleguy52muleguy52Liverpool, Merseyside, England UK8 Threads 459 Posts
Not a joke,exactly. More of a great come-back by Sir Winston Churchill,responding to a woman who is obviously not his NO1 fan.

Woman: "Sir,if you was my husband,i would poison your coffee."

Sir Winston: "Madam,if you was my wife,i would drink it".
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