I've Decided................I'm Mr Perfect.... (57)
Or...
A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain’t," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Joe."
A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.
"Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain’t," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Joe, is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Joe."
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The_Kansan: Hey Stooie...
Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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somechick: Next I'll pee my pants. Oh lordy help.
I think I did
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The_Kansan: Hey Stooie...
Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Seen a fellow doing it with Rocks,showing off in Basic Training,said he could do it longer than the other Fellow!Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
He Shat his Pants!
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The_Kansan: Maybe this'll help:Cohen and Levy were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Cohen,” asked Levy, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”
I don’t know,” Levy replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I do not know sir, I ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Levy asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Cohen said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Levy asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
I don’t know,” Levy replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Levy asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I do not know sir, I ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Levy asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Cohen said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Levy asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, grape Jews, tomato Jews and prune Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
Okay....................... game on........
I went to a fancy dress party.................. there's guy with a naked girl on his back........... I asked him 'what did he dress as' he said 'a turtle'......................
I asked him who was the the naked chick..........
he said 'that's Michelle'
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MysticErf: Hey Mr. Perfect, I'm Mr. Right... how's it going? Still alone too?
Hi Mr. Right and Mr. Perfect, I'm Mr. Chips
but they tell me Goodbye.------ This thread is Archived ------
stooie1971: Okay....................... game on........
Alright try this one:
Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
Cause their balls show...
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Or....
Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
Nobody...
Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
Nobody...
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One more and then I'll let you have your thread back. 
Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts topull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
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mastic55: Hi Mr. Right and Mr. Perfect, I'm Mr. Chips but they tell me Goodbye.
Naw buddy................. stay and tell a joke or two
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Glad to be of service!
(Now you can explain to your neighbors that you were getting serviced by a guy from Kansas who lives in Tennessee.
)
(Now you can explain to your neighbors that you were getting serviced by a guy from Kansas who lives in Tennessee.
)------ This thread is Archived ------
The_Kansan: Glad to be of service!
(Now you can explain to your neighbors that you were getting serviced by a guy from Kansas who lives in Tennessee. )
(Now you can explain to your neighbors that you were getting serviced by a guy from Kansas who lives in Tennessee. )
They're Canarian.... not full on Spanish of that makes sense.................. I'm British..... you get the picture
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The_Kansan: Alright try this one:
Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?Cause their balls show...
Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?Cause their balls show...
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You should be a stand up comedian..... 'Blue collar Tour'
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I'm Still................................ Perfect..........................................
Whoooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Whoooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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stooie1971: Okay stooie is donning his dopey mode............... you know and met Ronnie White?
Yeah... Haven't talked to him in probably 20 years, but we ate some of the same dirt when we were both younger and dumber.
He used to be a mean drunk and I was really glad to hear that he'd quit. (The "Scotch" in his glass when he's on stage is really apple juice.)
He's a pretty decent guy (when he's not drinking) and I'm really happy for his success - used to be he'd screw up every joke he tried to tell because he'd give the punch line away before he got the joke told
- personally I never really cared all that much for spotlights... 
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The_Kansan: Yeah... Haven't talked to him in probably 20 years, but we ate some of the same dirt when we were both younger and dumber.
He used to be a mean drunk and I was really glad to hear that he'd quit. (The "Scotch" in his glass when he's on stage is really apple juice.)
He's a pretty decent guy (when he's not drinking) and I'm really happy for his success - used to be he'd screw up every joke he tried to tell because he'd give the punch line away before he got the joke told - personally I never really cared all that much for spotlights...
He used to be a mean drunk and I was really glad to hear that he'd quit. (The "Scotch" in his glass when he's on stage is really apple juice.)
He's a pretty decent guy (when he's not drinking) and I'm really happy for his success - used to be he'd screw up every joke he tried to tell because he'd give the punch line away before he got the joke told - personally I never really cared all that much for spotlights...
Wow.... seriously.. thanks for sharing.....
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stooie1971: Wow.... seriously.. thanks for sharing.....
No biggee. The one I would have loved to meet was Benny Hill!
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Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
To see what was on the other side.
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Got an old grampa or grandma a little out of shape? Are you an old fart wanting to lift weights but don’t know where to start? Never fear, the Kansan is here! Follow along while we whip you into great condition!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Oh man............................ that is f%cking brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!