funny marriage quotes ( Archived) (9)

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they are valued.

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s. She changes it more often.”

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.

Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she’ll kill me!

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

Man doesn’t know what hapiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.

Was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
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You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henry Youngman



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"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...
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An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie
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Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman.
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If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?
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I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.
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Before marriage a man yearns for a woman after marriage the ‘y’ is silent .
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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

Love this and will borrow them to pass these on.

Here's more :

Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up.


Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Patrick Murray
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Gloria Steinem
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

That's a good one for us impulsive types;)

Think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.


Love this one!