Xmas aint` much fun being on the dole,
9 kids and some old trollop that makes me cry,
she shouts "Oy you" get your butt outside and rob us some coal,
why I married a catholic, I will never never know, I say with a sigh!,

So off I trot up the East Lancs,
looking for this and that,
bound to be able to steal something off the mancs,
Oh look there is a dead cat!,

Put it in me swag bag it will come in handy,
wandering up the road on the look out for some loot,
pass a farmhouse backdoor open, wow that looks dandy,
creeping quietly just to have a quick toot,

I spy a table full of food and wares,
snatching all and placing in me bag,
oh I love xmas when it is time of shares,
running home quickly after all am just an old lag,

I tell her indoors get the pot on we have grub,
the snarl alone was enough to freeze your soul,
look here is some food for the kids I said with a shrug,
how the hell am I supposed to cook, we have no ruddy coal,

Jeezes there is just no pleasing you,
sneaked back out into the cold,
3 doors down I know that old codger will have what is due,
4 big shovels this lot will do, feeling bold,

Right you old bag you get the veggies done,
I will sort out the chicken and the meat,
looking over at her I wonder when I had such fun,
Oh boy by the time am finished the kids will have a treat,

Sitting down for Xmas dinner, gloomy faces all around,
young jimmy sitting there tears dripping without a sound,
I said whats wrong with you? He cried why has this chicken got 6 legs he let out with a wail!,
What you worried about I got a bloody tail.