jokes.......

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."



It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife. Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attrative woman replies "Why?" Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air."



A husband comes home from work, grabs a beer from the fridge, and sits down to watch the ball game. His wife sneaks up from behind, with a tightly rolled up magazine and hits him over the head with it. "Ouch!!! he yells. What the hell was that for?" The angry wife says...."That's because I found this in your pants pocket!!" She shows him a crumpled up piece of paper. "What is that?" he asks. She opens the piece of paper, which clearly has the name "Laura Lou" written on it. "Who is she?" the wife asks. The husband rolls his eyes and says to her, "Jesus, what's the matter with you huh? I've been married to you for 25 years, and not once have I ever cheated on you, nor have I given you any reason to be jealous.....yet you continue to pull this crap on me. When will you ever trust me?" The wife screams back at him, "Well who is she!" The husband replies, "Laura Lou, is the name of a racehorse. I got my haircut yesterday, and the guy next to me gave me this hot tip. Laura Lou in the 4th race, a sure winner. I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget the name. So there, ya feel better now huh?" The wife apologizes. The next day, the husband comes home from work, sits down and watches the game. His wife sneaks up from behind, but this time holding an iron skillet. She whacks him in the back of the head, knocking him out cold. When he finally comes to, he looks at her and says, "What the hell is wrong with you.......now what?" The wife smiles, and says, "Your horse just called."