A Journal Of A Traveller Down Life's Road
When my world crashed down around me and my wife told me that she no longer wanted to be married, I felt as if everything I had known and loved was slipping from me. I languished in pain and frustration and each day the images of a love I once had came back to me in painful detail. The love we shared, the birth of our children, the happy times. All of these replayed themselves in my mind over and over again. I wept openly and without caring who saw or what they thought. The thought of not seeing my children again every day was too much and it hurt me deeply.My interest in eating went away, there was a constant pain in my stomach, I lost weight, I was confused and torn apart. I was on a journey in which I had no say in the course or the manner in which I travelled. I was a passenger and nothing more. Darkness surrounded me every day and I refused to get my mail for fear of more bad news that would only keep tearing at the wounds I already had. I began to have doubts as to whether or not this world with all its pain and suffering was a place in which I wanted to be. Dark thoughts came and passed and I had almost decided to just remove myself from life and be alone when friends saw my despair and surrounded me with hope and love and light.
It was at this same time that I had an epiphany. I thought about life and how we travel through it and when I began to look at it in that way, it all made sense. As we travel through our lives, we are but travellers on a road that others are taking as well. Our paths are separate but at certain points in the road, people are sent to us for different reasons and as they are meant to be in our lives. Some we will meet only briefly and then they continue on. Others we will meet and they will leave but then we meet them again. A chosen few will walk with us to the end of our journey and of those, a very selct number will share our love.
As we go through the stages of our lives, we need certain things. Friendship, companionship, love, understanding, comeraderie and other things we all must have to live. There are times when we need to learn things like compassion, love, giving of one's self, nurturing, selflessness and other things. It is at these times that the paths of others and our own intersect and the interactions we have with them help us to grow as we continue on our way to the end of our journey.
I see my marriage now as a part of my journey I was meant to take. My children will always be with me to the end of my road. My ex-wife was with me for the part of the journey she was meant to be. Her time now has come to set off on a different path from my own. I have accepted that and continue my journey. There will be twists and turns and obstacles along the way but it is my journey and for better or worse, my detriment or my enrichment, I will continue. I am heartened by the knowledge that there will be others along the way who will walk with me and maybe somewhere, some day, love will again find me and the woman I meant to be with will be waiting somewhere down the road.
Comments (7)
Hope you meet right people in your journey and your heart guides you to right path..
As I was leaving, a woman blocked my path and told me I could not leave. She was, by her own accounting, a matchmaker and was there that night sponsoring a fling for single friends that she was trying to help find that special someone. All of this seemed too surreal, too bizarre for my mind now clouded with drink to fully understand.
I humored this woman who I thought was very nice and at the same time very beautiful. She had a smile that made you feel better, eyes that lit up when she spoke and a laugh that was contagious. She was outgoing, energetic, pleasant and just a fun person to be around. As the night neared its end, she left with her friends and we did not speak again until I happened to run into a woman who was friends with her and told me how to contact her. I did and she began to establish a friendship. We talked, she would text me little things to say goodnight and things of that nature and I would respond.
Time went on and I could not get this woman out of my mind. I would suddenly see her face in my mind and not have the slightest clue as to how or why. The opportunity came for me some time later to tell her this and she thought she would like to get to know me better and that maybe we should go out sometime. I was content with that and with a new friendship that I thought might actually be a wonderful addition to my life. A companion on the journey would be a truly happy event in my life but again, it was not to be.
As time went on, her contact with me became less frequent and then stopped. I texted her admittedly at a late hour a couple of times but not with anything off color or rude, just to say goodnight and once to ask for a photo to be sent to my phone. I went to Facebook and found her not among my friends and not listed anywhere on the site. I had been blocked and dropped as a friend. This cruel pattern was continuing and I still have not figured out why. I am not actively seeking romance, I am not going out of my way to start a relationship with any woman. Women just seem to drop in, stay with me for a brief while and then leave either angry or not saying anything at all. This event especially hurt me.
A friend said to me that it isn't me, it's the people doing the leaving. Another said it is a sign of the times in which we live. I am not sure what the answer is but although I will continue my journey to see it to its end, I now conclude that I am to do that alone and I accept that as my lot in life and my path on this journey. It is said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That may be true in a metaphysical sense but in reality, to have never loved might be the better course. Once you have had that in your life, it is hard to live without it. It sustains your spirit and your soul and when you have to be without it, your soul starves and begins to crave it all the more.
I may wind up finishing this journey alone to see it through to its end. I do not have the advantage of knowledge of the future so it is unclear to me and no real signs have been given on my path that I recognize unless you count these three incidents I have mentioned here. If that is the case, those are truly ominous omens that do not instill confidence. Whatever the case, My journey continues and maybe there is a woman who will accept me as I am and love me nonetheless. Time will tell.
As to being worried my friend. Far from it. Troubled, yes. Questioning, yes but not worried about it. I realize that people will come and go as we journey on our path. The things that cause me angst are the ones who come and then leave so quickly and without me knowing why. I have just learned to accept that they were here and now gone and continue my journey. This is merely a recounting of things I have learned and interactions I have had.
I do appreciate your comments though my friend. Advice from a fellow traveller is never shunned or dismissed but appreciated and kept for future use. Thanks again and safe journey to you on your travels.
Live your duel first, second heal.don't worry it will happen without any effort.
Be thankful everything the ''incident '' with you girls and her daughters happend early.
and never ever think you will stay alone, loving is being unconditional, compasionated and accepting the other as is, with his previous children. finding balance.
It isnot easy being alone, be patient,the love of your life shall come to you.
Someone once said to me, if you ever feel so down that you're ready to give up on life.... just think for a moment and remember the reason you hung on in the first place when things weren't going your way!!
Your marriage was a part of your journey through life, we take many journeys, learn from them and become stronger people.... everything happens for a reason, although it's not always easy to see it that way..... it is a fact!!
I wish you all the best, and hope you find that someone special to share your life with!!