The Door Hath Opened

Ok, so...a few weeks ago I put a personal add on CraigsList. Crazy I know, so many perverts. That`s ok, I`m an intellectual and can make a boy feel stupid. I got maybe 4 replies. One obviously didn`t read the add, so I responded back with sorry but I`m not looking for a father, I already have one. He replied back calling me a b*tch. Hmmm. Issues eh? So I said oh wow so mature, calling a woman you`ve never met a b*tch. Yeah, he apologized. I didn`t write back. One gave his # right away and I saw that as a sign of desperation. Another said he wanted me by his side so I could eat cars. Geez, I`m not that hungry!!

One stuck out in my mind however. He told me I couldnt`ve said it any better. We talked on the phone 1-3 hours a night, and Thurs. met for the 1st time. It`s complicated as far as explaining why I joined here, which I won`t talk about right now. Anyways...

In everyone`s psyche are rooms.
One we let anyone into
One we let very close friends/family into
One only we go into
And one we won`t even go into which I suspect are the fears that could make Freddy and Jason run away yelping like lil lap dogs. I think it also includes those truths that we can`t accept yet and can`t trust anyone to know. For example, something that`s happened that you forget. Well, no, not forget. You know it happened but you blame yourself for it all and have shoved it so far back it`s like it never happened thus you don`t feel the pain. Kind of like being in deep denial. I have that.

So, he and I stayed up til like 4:30am talking and the fact that we`re both brutally honest really helped, however he isn`t one of those guys who only care about blonde, blue eyed bimbos.(no offense to blondes, or blue eyed blondes, but bimbos, yep!) He likes...well...me. So, I opened up. Considerably.

I`m a rape victim. And I blamed myself. Adding insult to injury the hosp. is holding me responsible for the kit. When I have less than $20 to my name, they want $3600 for something I`m not responsible for is a joke. The case was thrown out, the excuse was not enough evidence. The guy only lost his job, that and a slap on the wrist I`m sure. While I was afraid to sleep in the dark. 5 years later, I`m like a female deer in the forest. Every sound scares me, and my eyes dart everywhere to make sure I`m not being followed. I know he isn`t here, but I still feel that fear. I know that it could take several more years to heal, or who knows if I ever will. But I let my guard down for the 1st time and stopped blaming myself. I opened the forgotten wound and it emotionally bled. I cried too. It was the 1st time I`ve accepted what happened, and let myself feel the pain. He almost cried himself.

I think I opened that fourth door, or as they`re called, Fourth Door of Id. I sure as hell ain`t ready to open my eyes even though I can smell the dank breath and feel it coat the back of my neck of the monsters inside. But it`s a form of security knowing that I opened the door.

I`m ready to take on the world, I just plan on wearing a lot of protective emotional head gear until I know I`m ready to go without.

As far as this relationship...we`ll see. He almost fits that ultimate guy list. I`m gunna have to see what he`d be willing to give up, for me as well as himself.

-Yours, soquiliquay, which means horselady