My Plans

We all make plans. Mine were pretty straight forward. Fall in love, get married, have children, live happily ever after in the country with horses. As I got older and wiser to the ways of the world, I found that falling in love was something that rarely existed anymore. People were becoming more superficial, using each other for one reason or another. Usually stupid or idiotic reasons. The women were looking for men who looked like rock stars and had wads of cash to throw around. What woman wouldn't? Someone to wait on us hand and foot and buy us fancy things so we don't have to work for it other than on our backs. Or knees, as some would have it.
The men, they were holding out for Playboy centerfolds and nothing less. Those of us who don't fit that mold feel even worse about ourselves and go on benders of Rocky Road ice creme and Sleepless In Seattle wondering why we can't have our Empire State Building on Valentines Day romance. Besides the whole size two phenomena she's gotta have a car and a job like he wants someone to mooch off of so he can forgo a job and play xbox all day. It's a double standard for both of us.
It's not the same for me. I don't care if he's in a rock band or so rich he has servants. All that really matters is if he loves me. I've put up a wall so high and thick that I can't let anyone in. At this juncture in my life, I don't have time to be hurt and hurt again, with my track record it's all I know. After a while, I thought that being hurt was all I deserved, and went out looking for people that would hurt me. Being hurt feels better than being loved because all I can think of is, why bother loving me? What do I have to offer? I'm flat chested, short, unemployed, and on top of that I have fertility problems coupled with baby envy. I can't walk by the baby isle at Wal-Mart without a catch to my throat and try my hardest to hide the tears that are welling up in my throat.
Being a mom was always the number one thing that made me work hard on anything, even if I was working myself to the bone. When I miscarried at age 20, I thought the world was playing a cruel joke on me. We took away your mother, why not your child? Some years ago I wrote him a letter, and then there are days I feel him holding my hand when I feel that my day is dark. All my days are dark now, I am aging and losing my chance at having children and while there are countless other women out there fighting that battle to conceive, I'm not really one of them. I don't know anyone else fighting my fight. They may have hypothyroidism or PCOS, but are they battling the not having thousands of dollars to throw into having a child on their own, being able to conceive, and support said child? I can't even support myself, and nobody will let me. Who else is fighting my fight?
When I look back at my life, I blame myself for all the bad things that happened. All these horrible relationships…time wasted in my life. I should've said no a lot more, been able to stand up for myself. But I gave up on me, like so many others have done. My sister thinks I'm a loser, I'm jealous of my cousins for having children and it's hard to talk to them because I want to hate them for it, and all the 'friends' I've had growing up who had children and gave me up. I'm the forgotten one that they can't relate to.
My tears are often veiled because I don't want anyone to know about this deep pain I suffer in silence. There is a peace in silence, and grieving alone. I've accepted my plans now, to be a statistic. A nameless faceless anonymous person whose dreams never mattered. Just another ghost floating in places no one else dares to go.
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Comments (11)

well I had a look at you and your very wrong .your so young and you r life is only beginning .take it easy and go and join something where there will be people of your own age .you aint alone feeling this .its just a little blip your going throught .there s many a fella would be glad to be your best buddy and friend and lover .but it wont come to you its up to you to get up and find him but theres somebody for everyone cheer up theres people in a much worse situation than you you look a grand girl start living
Love is the essence of life!
Pleasure is the essence of sex!
Comfort is the essence of money!
Mannerism is the essence of education!
Transformation is the essence of knowledge!
Deep rooted inferiority is the essence of superiority!
..........................
Summarising this all, absolute nothingness is the essence of me!
And what I witness here, one another person is eating the same humble pie!


sad flower
Take it from somebody who has been there where you're now.. Start to accept and loving yourself and everything else will fall into place! What happen in the past is the past, forgive yourself and everybody else and move on to create and live the life you want and deserve. I find you an amazing lady and that's no lip service, it's based on all I've read from and about you over the past years on here. From a big cheesy to a little cheesy hug and hey, you've a great smile!
You certainly have a way with words, it shows a great ability to communicate, quite rare these days, that being the case I'm surprised you're alone, possibly a move to somewhere where your talents will be more appreciated dunno handshake
After reading this, i can say your very thoughtful, but clear and open. :)
Hiya soquiliquay wave just a couple of things that comes to mind after reading this:

You have at least another 10 years for getting a baby. If you can't conceive, there is adopting after you have built up a solid relationship with someone.

Sort yourself out so that you have a life that makes you happy. No one else can make you happy if you're not yourself, and no one wants to be with someone who isn't happy with themselves.

Don't see someone as a way to get what you want - a baby. You have to love someone because you love him (and he you) and not as a sperm donor or you as a breeding mare. The road can be the goal - to love someone, share your life and if things are going to work, a family. Don't try to start with the last step.

Start with yourself - love, support and built up a life for yourself. The rest will follow.

I really mean it, best of luck to you. flower
it's sad when dream is over, you're not alone
It was always my greatest dream too so I understand. I think what KN, said was spot on!

Can't add more other than to say ... Lovely to see you on the blogs, don't think we have met. handshake

Have a lovely day and hope all your dreams will come true bouquet bouquet
Hey....hug

KN, said it all...comfort teddybear
So where do you go from here? Someone said Life is what you make it. Yes, you've been hurt and disappointed many times.
Perhaps the way you look at life, and not making a serious effort to change it despite the fact that it has led to pain and disappointment, is something you must address otherwise you will continue on the same downward spiral. Is that what you want? I know it isn't.
So as I asked before: Where do you go from here?
Despite the fact that several persons here have made suggestions for you to deal with the problem, the fact remains that you are the only one who truly know yourself.
It is up to you to confront yourself and identify certain measures to deal with the problem, and take the required action for their implementation.
I sincerely hope you will do so.
All the best to you.
Hi Soq,

Im always the soft hearted, brought tears to my ears,,,part of your story made of think of what I went through.

It is never too late to make things right and I am positive to take my life to the next level with confidence and gratitude.

Now, don't linger on past events, hold onto the unknown future and make it happen, all you have to do is believe. Anything is possible comfort
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soquiliquay

soquiliquay

Ashland, Wisconsin, USA

I've given up on dating. I'm too old to care about it now, with what I want in life. A lot of men take decades to decide if they want marriage and children, and before said time they won't bother to actually talk to me. So I intend to have children o [read more]

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created Feb 2015
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