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wow, more space to write, lol...

I wonder at times when I seek inside for answers... How I connect with others on personal levels, and still keep solitude.
My hardest work is acceptance of help in any way...so ingrained in my mind and heart is a lifetime of being slapped down...
Realistically, I know so many more have it far worse than I. Yet, I am inside this life. I live inside this flesh...and, I live within the reality that surrounds me...
I hide my pain, and tears from others... Guilt makes it so, and the deepest feeling of being unworthy of a single thing...
I know this not to be true. I understand the process that got me here... Yet, to carve out that tainted seed so buried deep within I cannot reach without destroying myself in the hunt for the poisons.
So, here I am...
I am in pain. I am ill, and have few days of wellness...
I sucks so bad! And, beware of pity of myself...lest life give me more...

Like hushhhhhhhhh.
covered mouth holds back
screams so loud
if uttered forth
it might hear me
and, doomed to more, I would be?

Yes, truth hurts as well..inner truth.
I hold a hand, and take into heart.
But, say goodness in truth from another to me. I sink inside myself...

Hand shy. And, how to learn to stop this thing...? I don't know. I can only be in this moment for now...

So, chin up, ol' gal!

I won't say, "it's not that easy..." I will say it hurts...

I wonder if the two go hand-in-hand...or does one feeling cause the other to appear..or are they both one and the same?...

-- this is right from my myspace page --

first of all i had to figure out what the hell time it was. i have like 5 clocks in this house and they all said different things. i think i'm right now, i'll find out tomorrow when i go into work huh?i'm thinking arizona has the right idea of not doing it at all, it's less confusing for us morons.

lets see, rylen appears to like the group hoobastank, i'm listening to them and he keeps yelling 'turn it up' ok son, but i don't want the police here for disturbing the neighbors and i can already feel the music in the floor. dang party animal... he's going to be my wild one i just know it. and the kids is MEAN, whoa, he's gonna be trouble i think. i can't imagine where he got a wild streak at...

ok funny story from a few months back. we're at a chevron in hillsboro, no offense to hillsboro but it appears to be the mexican capital of portland, no one speaks english i swear. so we're getting gas and the attendant i normally get is here. he's a big sweet black man, so nice. and when i say sweet i mean 'nice' not all oohh big sweet black man, hottie... no.

'what can i get ya cheif?' he asks me. the kids mock him 'chief' they yell over and over as i try to get them to shut up without being heard from the outside, i can tell it's not working. not to mention the fact that they are calling him ' the big (meaning BIG) black man' kids say the most embarassing things and so the wrong time i swear.

'$20' i say. he walks away and then i hear him talking to the next car over. he laughs as he walks over to me. ok think reuben studdard, he looks just like him.

'did you hear that?' he asks me laughing.

'nope' thank god the kids are quiet now.

'dear god, he was speaking spanish so i in turn spoke it back, and he said -don't speak to me in spanish you're not mexican- christ ok, well then speak english' he says laughing and i laugh.

so ok, the spanish speaking citizens of america (ok hillsboro) don't want to speak english up here, but they don't want us to speak to them in spanish because we're not mexican? lordy, you got me there. i don't know how to respond. LOL

so if ya speak spanish, good for you. but if i speak spanish to you, thank me! at least i'm not screaming english at you like you can't hear, because you don't speak the language. i've seen that, oh you don't speak english, well it's not the same as being deaf. if you speak english louder to someone who doesn't, THEY STILL DON"T UNDERSTAND YOU PROFESSOR!! LOL

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another funny story... geesh i jump around alot huh? LOL i'm surprised you all keep reading.

i'm headed into safeway with my then 2 year old son. he had just figured out that men are daddys. so he calls them all 'a daddy' that has become the babysitters boyfriends permanent name, but it comes out as daddy and i keep telling him, man when you're with him it looks a little funky seeing a little white boy call a black man daddy. LOL so anywho... we're walking into safeway and there is a group of chinese men standing next to the door. i'm trying to get a cart and keep the three kids from all running in different directions when rylen (he was 2) heads over to the chinese (ok they could be asian, tiawanese, i dont freaking know so i'm asuming chinese, my bad) so he walks over to them and yells 'is that my daddy?' oh christ. the men all look up at me like i'm completely wacked. 'ah nuthing better than a boy searching for his father' i say to them with a straight face. i'm not sure they spoke english but they all laughed like i was crazy so i winked and walked away. aahhh well it was funny to me...



i'm done... what was i talking about when i started this post? my day or something, i dunno i got sidetracked.. i daydream alot, so sue me... LOL you're the one who reads it, and i do appreciate it!! :)



--aimee

Mash Potatoes, Marvel Comics, Princesses, Cookery, Poetry and Laughter!!! Join in Let's have a Party!!!!

i am happy now why do you choose to call me now
its been 7yrs since you have been gone
you choose not to be in our life
so dont call and cry that your sorry
i was sorry to see you go
but it happened for the best
now i am starting a new life with a wonderful man
he treats me like you never did
treats our son like his own
and i want him not you so dont call and cry about it
just let the past go and live for today

Personally, I dislike Sundays. Saturdays are much better, in fact, I propose that every day be Saturday :)

Sundays serve to remind me that Monday is tomorrow..

I never fully appreciated weekends until I became a student. However, weekends are no longer simply for relaxing..they have become two days in which to cram everything you didn't have time for in the previous five days. Oh well..a test tomorrow..patho..my favorite

I'm going to savor the two hours I have before I start studying .. Have a good day all :)

I love blogs A blank space in which to write about anything you choose. As someone who considers themselves a lover of words, this appeals to me on many levels.

I enjoy the forums as well, because there's a level of interaction there that you don't neccessarily get from blogging. However, blogs can also be a great place to write about what you think and believe without comment or debate from others.

I shall look forward to writing more as well as reading blogs set out by others.

hello my name is jackie and i have twin daughters. Im from South Wales. I enjoy going out with my friends on the weekends. I cant think of anything else if you want to know anything just ask.

oooh the wind has fallen around my tears,like a sweet thought that has grabeded my throat,
i rush the memorys of a long distant youth,
befallen sweet wind,

I was looking back through a journal I kept after my marriage ended sixteen months ago...this is an excerpt from December 2005...a month after my nearly 20-year relationship ended ... It was written during a time of confusion and pain yet looking back upon it today I find clarity where I once thought was none ...

*****************

It is winter here. A time of rest. A time of waiting. Seeds lay dormant in the earth awaiting the first rays of the spring sun. Grass sleeps beneath its blanket of snow. It doesn’t question the need for winter any more than it questions the coming of spring. It just accepts what is.

A bamboo tree lives on the corner of my dresser. Each leaf perfectly formed and each day it grows into a grander version of itself in spite of me. It does not question its new surroundings. It embraces what is.

Outside my window I can see the mountain ash towering over the neighbour’s fence. The red berries act as beacons for the birds they are meant to feed. Even in winter, there is life just as there is sacrifice.

And as much as we’d like to believe that the world stops with us when we pause, it does not. We are invited to go with it. We are asked to accept. We wish to embrace. And we strive to be grateful even in the coldest of times.

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What a difference a year makes!