Children of Divorced Parents (17)
Hi Wikked,
I can relate to what you are saying, My son is now 18 yrs old, and his dad was never there emoptionally for him, but was the one to provide all the fun, especially all the fun things I could not buy him like a new game system every 6 months.
I always made sure that the values I instilled in my son were re-enforced all the time, by me only, since his father lack all the skills in parenting.
My son learn what was right and wrong, respected me, and understands what I say and mean, but in a way, I "lost out" my son has refused to do anything fun with me for years, but will go right ahead, and do something "fun" with his dad.
I find that I lost my son to him in that side, but I am grateful that all his morals have come and remain because of me.
I can only suggest talking to your girls every time before they visit their dad, and reminding them of your ideals in decipline, and values, you are an intelligent woman, and I am sure that the girls will really understand what you mean.
And just adding this little bit, which I am sure, that you probably already do, always speak positive about their father, unless he is a danger to you, then thats when some facts have to be brought in.
To my son, I always spoke positive about his dad,
but with my daughter, I have to tell her how much her dad loves her and is a great dad, but also, why mom and that can not be close to each other, because he is a danger to me, to my life, as little as she is, she has come to understand this, and accept that mom and dad can not be visiting each other, but knows she is greatly love by both parents and is safe with him...but I am not.
There are many situations that we come across as divorce parents, the fun part will be minor compare to other things he can say and do...but you have spoken well about him before, and that is a good indication, he may just start to agree with you and not try to out do you in when he has contact with them.
I hope this help...many blessings to you.
Angel
I can relate to what you are saying, My son is now 18 yrs old, and his dad was never there emoptionally for him, but was the one to provide all the fun, especially all the fun things I could not buy him like a new game system every 6 months.
I always made sure that the values I instilled in my son were re-enforced all the time, by me only, since his father lack all the skills in parenting.
My son learn what was right and wrong, respected me, and understands what I say and mean, but in a way, I "lost out" my son has refused to do anything fun with me for years, but will go right ahead, and do something "fun" with his dad.
I find that I lost my son to him in that side, but I am grateful that all his morals have come and remain because of me.
I can only suggest talking to your girls every time before they visit their dad, and reminding them of your ideals in decipline, and values, you are an intelligent woman, and I am sure that the girls will really understand what you mean.
And just adding this little bit, which I am sure, that you probably already do, always speak positive about their father, unless he is a danger to you, then thats when some facts have to be brought in.
To my son, I always spoke positive about his dad,
but with my daughter, I have to tell her how much her dad loves her and is a great dad, but also, why mom and that can not be close to each other, because he is a danger to me, to my life, as little as she is, she has come to understand this, and accept that mom and dad can not be visiting each other, but knows she is greatly love by both parents and is safe with him...but I am not.
There are many situations that we come across as divorce parents, the fun part will be minor compare to other things he can say and do...but you have spoken well about him before, and that is a good indication, he may just start to agree with you and not try to out do you in when he has contact with them.
I hope this help...many blessings to you.
Angel
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I wouldn't really say that talking to the girls when they're about to visit, or when they come home really is a great idea- only because you don't want to come off (or I wouldn't) as saying something about their dad- girls at this age are fierce protectors of their father. I wouldn't want to see them turn your good intentions around.
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Try talking to him again about how you feel. If he will not change or set boundaries for the girls. Not much you can do. I myself am not the fun parent. My boys are expected to do chores and be home by a certain time.
As long as the girls know you love them, I do not believe they will "lean" either way.
Good luck, I hear girls are much harder to raise then boys.
As long as the girls know you love them, I do not believe they will "lean" either way.
Good luck, I hear girls are much harder to raise then boys.
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I undertand your concern and have been there many times myself ...
I have not always agreed with the way my ex disciplined or parented our son but always supported him in front of our son. If I were the perfect parent, I would feel justified in "correcting him" but since I am not ...
I am guessing your girls will turn out just fine even with a little unbalance in their lives. I never brought the issues up with my ex as I felt it must be difficult to be the non-custodial parent, practicing parenthood only on weekends or less.
It sounds like you and our ex have a pretty good relationship. Talk to him in private if it bothers you that much.
I have not always agreed with the way my ex disciplined or parented our son but always supported him in front of our son. If I were the perfect parent, I would feel justified in "correcting him" but since I am not ...
I am guessing your girls will turn out just fine even with a little unbalance in their lives. I never brought the issues up with my ex as I felt it must be difficult to be the non-custodial parent, practicing parenthood only on weekends or less.
It sounds like you and our ex have a pretty good relationship. Talk to him in private if it bothers you that much.
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Talking to the girls in a gentle positive way re-engorces what wikked is trying to project to the girls...the father does not have to be mention, as this would be only a conversation of good reminders and well intentions, and not specifically directed to the father, but to the girls own ability to recgnized what is best, without being caught in the middle...and not having to lean to one side or the other...just keeping a reminder of their values...nothing else.
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whoops correction...re-enforces 
...this is what happens when I get interrupted with the messenger, bad spelling, lol.
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I'm on the back side of this issue. I just got full custody of my oldest son, because I do treat him like he's 17 and not 7. His mom is HUGE into the church, almost cult like. Now, if you want to go to church, that's your call, but don't shove down my kids' throat. I am not down with that. His mom and her husband tried telling him that if he doesn't want to go to church, they won't do anything for him. Eff that. I am the fun parent, and I'm a good parent. I don't just let them do stuff that Mom won't let them do, but I hook them up if they are wrong. They know the difference.
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Family Church and the American way... these have been for the longest time corner stones in the raising and nurturing of ones childen and life. strange ain't it how even churches can pollute the minds of parents as well as children.
I would stay aware of any and all camps they decide to send youe child too. the government gives a lot of latitiude to religous orders. it takes something real big to bring the weight ofUncle sam to crash thru their doors. It's sad that in the name of religion this type of thing can happen.
I would stay aware of any and all camps they decide to send youe child too. the government gives a lot of latitiude to religous orders. it takes something real big to bring the weight ofUncle sam to crash thru their doors. It's sad that in the name of religion this type of thing can happen.
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I can relate to this one, and it use to drive me insane. I finally had to let it go.. When my kids dad does decide to come around, he is more of a kid himself than a parent. He will blow all his money and has no boundaries with the kids. He was considered one of them. He went as far as dressing in black and went with my son to a Marilyn Manson concert. I also didn't allow my daughter to smoke around me. My ex would buy her cigarettes. It didn't do me any good trying to talk to him. He would just say that I was being controlling. This went on even before we divorced. I finally had to let it go. My ex was never going to change. Now the kids are way older, but they do finally see that I was only trying to be a parent. They also know that their dad is not. I guess someone has to take the heat in those early teen years. My daughter went through a stage of wanting to live with her dad when she was 16. Before then, when ever he would split I would tell her she could visit but not live. I would not let her be in that kind of environment. But when she turned 16 and started to pull that on me, I agreed with her and said she could go. She lasted two weeks. This is when she realized that she felt more loved when someone set some boundaries down..It is tough, and my prayers are with you..
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My ex is the "fun parent", but I have a wonderful relationship with my son...we are friends (to a point) and I am the first one to put him in his place. He will be 14 on Nov 1st and he has wonderful manners, compassion, and a great head on his shoulders. I divorced his dad when he was 4.
His dad is very greedy with money, EXCEPT when it comes to our son! He always feels he has to "out do" me on everything. I don't have much money, since I'm a student and not working. My son is so understanding when I tell him that his birthday or Xmas is gonna be "slim pickins". He told me not to long ago that his dad tries to "buy" his love.
Your girls will see the real deal eventually. You do what you need to do on your end to instill morals and values into them. They may stray, but they will come back to what you taught them.
You can't control what your ex does when they are with him, and possibly, if you try to come between him and the girls in any way, i.e. talking to the girls before visits, talking to the ex, etc., you could push them away.
In my opinion, I think you should just let things go and do what you need to do in order to keep your girls in line when they are with you. I used to tell my son when he would come home from a visit, with an attitude....Don't think you are going to bring THAT attitude into my house. When you are with me.....you follow the rules and do what you are supposed to do.
AT the same time, my son and I have a very open relationship. I am very blunt and to the point with him when he has questions. He has started talking about me leaving his dad....my son says....I don't know why you even got with my dad!!!
Hang in there and do what your heart says is the right thing....for your girls!
His dad is very greedy with money, EXCEPT when it comes to our son! He always feels he has to "out do" me on everything. I don't have much money, since I'm a student and not working. My son is so understanding when I tell him that his birthday or Xmas is gonna be "slim pickins". He told me not to long ago that his dad tries to "buy" his love.
Your girls will see the real deal eventually. You do what you need to do on your end to instill morals and values into them. They may stray, but they will come back to what you taught them.
You can't control what your ex does when they are with him, and possibly, if you try to come between him and the girls in any way, i.e. talking to the girls before visits, talking to the ex, etc., you could push them away.
In my opinion, I think you should just let things go and do what you need to do in order to keep your girls in line when they are with you. I used to tell my son when he would come home from a visit, with an attitude....Don't think you are going to bring THAT attitude into my house. When you are with me.....you follow the rules and do what you are supposed to do.
AT the same time, my son and I have a very open relationship. I am very blunt and to the point with him when he has questions. He has started talking about me leaving his dad....my son says....I don't know why you even got with my dad!!!
Hang in there and do what your heart says is the right thing....for your girls!
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Following two sets of rules is hard.
As a single parent father I have my set of rules. My daughter is 13 also. Of course father is the "Fun" parent because he gets so little time compared to mother. However in my case she does have rules that are followed.
I'm one for talking to daughter and helping her understand both my rules and mothers rules.
We (Mother, Father, Daughter) just went through the control issue with her mothers new boyfriend which has ended up being a saving grace for that household (So-Far).
I would suggest talking to father and the two of you discussing each others rules. If there are irregularities then see if there could be a middle ground to find.
It could be a ploy of course, but then it could be a daddy that is just happy to be able to enjoy the time that he is allowed.
Being a good Father is not easy either.
As a single parent father I have my set of rules. My daughter is 13 also. Of course father is the "Fun" parent because he gets so little time compared to mother. However in my case she does have rules that are followed.
I'm one for talking to daughter and helping her understand both my rules and mothers rules.
We (Mother, Father, Daughter) just went through the control issue with her mothers new boyfriend which has ended up being a saving grace for that household (So-Far).
I would suggest talking to father and the two of you discussing each others rules. If there are irregularities then see if there could be a middle ground to find.
It could be a ploy of course, but then it could be a daddy that is just happy to be able to enjoy the time that he is allowed.
Being a good Father is not easy either.
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Hi Wikked,
This will slap him back in the face someday. Just talk to them while doing something fun. Let them know why you have set bouderies for them and the reason you do it is because you love them. Let them know the hazzard's of the other things going on with them. Tell them that sometimes, even though something seems fun and exciting that it could be something that will stick with them all thier lives. Stick by your gun's, they will have more respect for you than him in the long run. Sounds like he wants to kick back and let them fend for theirselves.
I went thru this when I was married, the game of "go to your dad and tell him what you done" or the "Don, do something about your kid"
Now The kids live with me, 4 kids,2 marriages, And both ex's wont have nothing to do with them. Good luck, hope it'll work out for you.
Don
This will slap him back in the face someday. Just talk to them while doing something fun. Let them know why you have set bouderies for them and the reason you do it is because you love them. Let them know the hazzard's of the other things going on with them. Tell them that sometimes, even though something seems fun and exciting that it could be something that will stick with them all thier lives. Stick by your gun's, they will have more respect for you than him in the long run. Sounds like he wants to kick back and let them fend for theirselves.
I went thru this when I was married, the game of "go to your dad and tell him what you done" or the "Don, do something about your kid"
Now The kids live with me, 4 kids,2 marriages, And both ex's wont have nothing to do with them. Good luck, hope it'll work out for you.
Don
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hello wikked i have a 15 yr old daughter who at 13 defended her drunkin father all the time we where married for 10 yrs and seperated when she was 9. He had no interest in anything she did, he let her do what ever she wanted bought what ever she wanted he was always trying to be best friends instead of a parent. He never went to any sports she was in never asked how she was doing he just stayed drunk and bought her whatever she wanted. I was the bad guy even though I was her basketball coach her biggest volleyball fan and her mom who took care of her. Now she is 15 and realizes that her dad could care less and she hardly even talks to him now. SO you keep up the good work and your kids will grow out of that and realize that mom is whats best for them.. take care of your self and your kid....mixxy
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so at the end of the day ..... each child / individual has a process.
from conception to 2 yrs= hard drive...motherboard lol
2yrs to 7yrs=system software
7yrs.........= upgrades and games (development of the ego)
if as a parent you have not programmed the hard drive correctly or installed the system software necessary to be compatible with the future growth in capacity.....
well you will experience many crashes....lol
in english= they are who they are going to be by the time they are 7 ......it's up to you to provide the environment to protect them and if society is so sick and threatens their safety it is important to do what ever it takes to educate them and prepare them to protect themselves....even if it means being painfully honest with the reality and accepting that they eventually will have to make their mistakes...to prevent them from this is a rip off and they only resent it. as any of us would.
does this make sense?
from conception to 2 yrs= hard drive...motherboard lol
2yrs to 7yrs=system software
7yrs.........= upgrades and games (development of the ego)
if as a parent you have not programmed the hard drive correctly or installed the system software necessary to be compatible with the future growth in capacity.....
well you will experience many crashes....lol
in english= they are who they are going to be by the time they are 7 ......it's up to you to provide the environment to protect them and if society is so sick and threatens their safety it is important to do what ever it takes to educate them and prepare them to protect themselves....even if it means being painfully honest with the reality and accepting that they eventually will have to make their mistakes...to prevent them from this is a rip off and they only resent it. as any of us would.
does this make sense?
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As long as their dad is respectful of the fact that you are their mother and being girls, you are their role model. His support of this role is paramount. Communication is nice if possible, but it sounds like if you are feeling the difference the kids are living it so they know. Maybe a conversation along the lines of being a woman now and looking back to the dangers of what permissive behavior can result in may be an eye opener for him. Good luck...you sound like a mom who really loves the girls...they are lucky, nice legacy 
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I have found that children actually like to have boundaries set for them, They are confused enough at that age. My ex- was always the fun parent, even when we lived together he wasn't around much so i was the "heavy". But all four of my children are now adults and my two sons are living with me , i see my girls all the time, my grandchildren are all in my life. As for their father....the fun parent, he may see them on father's day IF anyone can find the time. Children will learn and grow by the guidelines you set, even if you don't think they are listening to you now. Now i am the fun parent. What goes around, comes around.
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I find that my "ex" is allowing our girls more liberties than perhaps he would have if we were "together"...
We still try to handle their "discipline" together...where we talk about it first and then talk to them together (and on occasion he has taken this out of my hands as well)...however the problem is that i feel like he is trying to be the "fun" parent, while i do all the "dirty" work...in everything else...and in my mind i'm wondering if that is a ploy of his to have the girls "lean" towards him..where i have always tried to maintain a "balance" in their relationships with us...
Our girls are 10 and 13, and therefore still in their "formative" years...as well they are in a difficult stage of "growing up", I'm afraid that by him trying to be the "fun" parent he's not setting boundaries for them that in the long run will be to their benefit..
Any thoughts or suggestions on this??