Whats your best joke? (80)
boomboom_uk: Hows u bud...just havin a wee read through the jokes ..they are cheerin me right up.. not often you find much to smile aboot in here these days..might as well enjoy the calm b4 the storm
Have a nice night...or morning my friend.------ This thread is Archived ------
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Ok so this drunk staggers into this bar that has opened up right around the corner from his apartment and as he leans against the bar he looks around to see the place and spots a couple of dart boards off to the side.
The bartender says that seeing as this is his first time in the bar the first drink is on the house. "That's really nice of ya and this place looks great, but do you have any darts for the dart boards?"
Sizing up how drunk the guy is the bartender also notes that there aren't really any people around the area of the dart boards to hurt so he hands the guy a set of darts and says "ok fella but be careful you don't hurt yourself".
With that the drunk grabs the darts and staggers over to the playing area and as he is trying to line up the boards for his first throw he leans forward and almost falls over as he throws the first dart. As luck would have it the dart lands smack dab in the bullseye. "Hey buddy did you see that...I got a bullseye on my first dart. Don't I get a prize for that?" "You sure do" says the bartender and frantically looks around for something to give him. Spying a glass bowl on the bar with a turtle in it he quickly grabs the turtle and hands it to the drunk who briefly looks at it and stuffs it in his pocket and staggers out the door to go home.
A week later the same guy staggers back into the bar late at night and recognising the drunk, the bartender says "Welcome back, nice to see you again. What will it be?" So the drunk orders a beer and asks if he can have the darts again. The bartender looks over the area around the dart boards and deciding it would be safe enough he hands the drunk the darts again. The drunk works his way over to the dart boards and raises a dart to throw as he takes a sip of his beer and low and behold he hits the bullseye again. "Hey buddy I did it again" he tells the bartender. "Don't I get another prize for that?" "Sure, sure" the bartender says "but what did I give you last week?" The drunk replies
"A roast beef on a really stale kaiser"
The bartender says that seeing as this is his first time in the bar the first drink is on the house. "That's really nice of ya and this place looks great, but do you have any darts for the dart boards?"
Sizing up how drunk the guy is the bartender also notes that there aren't really any people around the area of the dart boards to hurt so he hands the guy a set of darts and says "ok fella but be careful you don't hurt yourself".
With that the drunk grabs the darts and staggers over to the playing area and as he is trying to line up the boards for his first throw he leans forward and almost falls over as he throws the first dart. As luck would have it the dart lands smack dab in the bullseye. "Hey buddy did you see that...I got a bullseye on my first dart. Don't I get a prize for that?" "You sure do" says the bartender and frantically looks around for something to give him. Spying a glass bowl on the bar with a turtle in it he quickly grabs the turtle and hands it to the drunk who briefly looks at it and stuffs it in his pocket and staggers out the door to go home.
A week later the same guy staggers back into the bar late at night and recognising the drunk, the bartender says "Welcome back, nice to see you again. What will it be?" So the drunk orders a beer and asks if he can have the darts again. The bartender looks over the area around the dart boards and deciding it would be safe enough he hands the drunk the darts again. The drunk works his way over to the dart boards and raises a dart to throw as he takes a sip of his beer and low and behold he hits the bullseye again. "Hey buddy I did it again" he tells the bartender. "Don't I get another prize for that?" "Sure, sure" the bartender says "but what did I give you last week?" The drunk replies
"A roast beef on a really stale kaiser"
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A brunette,redhead and blonde entered a swimming contest of 4 laps of the local swimming pool using the breast stroke technique.
The brunette came in first the redhead second and the blonde had to be dragged out of the swimming pool by the lifeguard.
she looked up at the judges and said"I'm not one for telling tales but those two used both their arms".
The brunette came in first the redhead second and the blonde had to be dragged out of the swimming pool by the lifeguard.
she looked up at the judges and said"I'm not one for telling tales but those two used both their arms".
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A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said "Scare me half to death."
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Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The first young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The other two women looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low-tech indeed. But not to be out done she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The two younger women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said ... 'Well, will you look at that - I'm getting a fax!!
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The first young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped.
The other two women looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low-tech indeed. But not to be out done she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
The two younger women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said ... 'Well, will you look at that - I'm getting a fax!!
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Jeeepers: Shoot ! I now see that rohaan gave the answer !
I shoulda waited--I am SO impatient! side bar to boomboom--loved your old woman/old man joke. So, which did she mean?
(those are for boomboom, jeeeps.Here,
(don't wanna leave you out.)------ This thread is Archived ------
boomboom_uk: Mr. o`donnell I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce Court Judge said, “And I've decided to give your wife 775 a week.” That's very fair, your honor,” paddy said. “And every now and then I'll try to send her a few quid mysel....
HAHA! Like
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A girl came skipping home From school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting
today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b,
c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she
lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b,
c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she
lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
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Singlelisious: Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."
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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk."
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a "splat." Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real a**hole when you're drunk."
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A group of friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day. That night,
one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured
no one's gonna steal Henry!"
and paired off in twos for the day. That night,
one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured
no one's gonna steal Henry!"
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Nuliiiiiii: Hey there RDM
... afternoon ma'am....
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
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One day a blonde decided to get a cell phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.
Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.
A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.
Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"
Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.
A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.
Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency......
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency......
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Unusual Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Ok I know but I'm tryin
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Ok I know but I'm tryin
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- Democrats destroyed America
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- Would you hire this guy - for any job?
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- men's perspective towards women
- Unions support Democrats!
- The weird and the random facts around the world
Hows u bud...just havin a wee read through the jokes ..they are cheerin me right up..