Healthy Jealousy ( Archived) (58)

Godsgift: Thanks for all the replies. I've had time to think about this. Many years ago I was involved with a girl. I was crazy about her. She used to flirt with other people and initially I thought it was funny. She was full of life. I had no negativity over it.... no and no insecurity jealousy.

Then one day she got angry with me for not getting jealous and that's what she was looking for. I was barely sober and under a year in AA. It was like turning on a light... or turning on a dark if such a thing is possible.

I went on to become very jealous indeed. Infact many sleepless nights till I ended up finishing the relationship which became more and more manipulative. It wasn't till I saw Jac's post earlier that I realised that the negativity had been deliberately planted in me by her and that it wasn't just one of my own defects. For the first time in my life, I finished a relationship. I had never done that before. But every so often that old jealousy thing pops up again and it frightens me. It's one of the reason I stayed single and alone. I had been so easily duped. I can't put myself through that grief and pain again.

Rumple4skin: She wants you to ASSERT, unfortunately you sulked and moped in a self-created hell. I'll bet you were both relieved when it was over.

Godsgift: Thanks for all the replies. I've had time to think about this. Many years ago I was involved with a girl. I was crazy about her. She used to flirt with other people and initially I thought it was funny. She was full of life. I had no negativity over it.... no and no insecurity jealousy.

Then one day she got angry with me for not getting jealous and that's what she was looking for. I was barely sober and under a year in AA. It was like turning on a light... or turning on a dark if such a thing is possible.

I went on to become very jealous indeed. Infact many sleepless nights till I ended up finishing the relationship which became more and more manipulative. It wasn't till I saw Jac's post earlier that I realised that the negativity had been deliberately planted in me by her and that it wasn't just one of my own defects. For the first time in my life, I finished a relationship. I had never done that before. But every so often that old jealousy thing pops up again and it frightens me. It's one of the reason I stayed single and alone. I had been so easily duped. I can't put myself through that grief and pain again.

jac379: But you learned the mechanism by which you were manipulated, plus you learned the mechanism to analyse that situation which can be applied elsewhere.

You really ought to start accepting that you're really rather good at working things out and you can continue to do that.

Godsgift: Good It was in 1989 and you just slotted the last piece into the jigsaw.

In fairness to myself though, it was a very small part of a much bigger disfunction. But sometimes these threads are invaluable if you can hold down the ego, suppress the noise and actually listen to what some people like yourself are saying.

jac379: A key is a very small part of a locked door, but quite an important one if you happen want to open it.

I'm not sure which post did the trick, so may I ask...?

Is it that your married friend made you uncomfortable with what she said, is it that what she said just happened to play into something you needed to get your head round, or is it both? Do you still feel uncomfortable with her because of what she said, or now that you've done some cognitive tidying up, do you feel differently about what she said?

Godsgift: You got mail.

Godsgift: I was talking to a lady friend of mine last night who is married. I said to her that I make a point of not texting her or calling her too often in case her husband gets the wrong idea and it causes her problems at home. Her response surprised me when she said there was nothing wrong in a bit of healthy jealousy in a relationship.I can't help but feel this attitude is a bit manipulative and a bit dangerous to third person and somehow I no longer trust this lady just as much.

Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy and am I just being a tad unrealistic and over sensitive.

Thoughts please.