Healthy Jealousy (58)
Godsgift: I can't think of a subject further removed. Get yer own.
You looks happy guay and seems like jealousy hate you so come down from poll
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Godsgift: I must admit, I don't feel to comfortable with it.
So, what are your options for dealing with your discomfort?
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Godsgift: I can't think of a subject further removed. Get yer own.
My apologies sir!
SHANTI
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jac379: That would suggest to me she's using you, at least in part, to keep her husband interested in her. I would have thought there were healthier and more effective means of communication to do this.
It suggests to me she doesn't have much self-respect, or feelings of self-worth and perhaps this is linked with your recent statement that the ability to love others hinges upon loving and accepting the self.
The question perhaps, in the context of dealing with this situation, is how much do you love and respect yourself?
It suggests to me she doesn't have much self-respect, or feelings of self-worth and perhaps this is linked with your recent statement that the ability to love others hinges upon loving and accepting the self.
The question perhaps, in the context of dealing with this situation, is how much do you love and respect yourself?
I agree. Those were also my thoughts. In a healthy relationship, one partner doesn't need to artificially create jealousy, or should not feel the need to do so. If she feels unappreciated, then she should address it with her husband and not by dragging a third party into the situation. I see nothing healthy there, but a lot of game playing that can seriously backfire.
I wonder how the husband would feel if he found the OPs phone number.
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Susanne1: I think the emphasis is on "healthy", not on jealousy. It simply means that their relationship is rock-solid, and that a tiny detail like getting a call or a text from another guy is just a reminder for her partner, to not take her too much for granted.
There is nothing manipulative about it, you don't need to worry that you might get drawn into a "War of the Roses", and IMO you have no reason to trust her less.
There is nothing manipulative about it, you don't need to worry that you might get drawn into a "War of the Roses", and IMO you have no reason to trust her less.
if anything she was being quite honest! maybe a bit too much so! so I agree that should be considered before we totally shred her.
nonetheless, that comment could well be manipulative. Purposely trying to upset a partner by intentionally creating jealousy is immature and maniplulative - unless of course she really wants out of the relationship....
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Rumple4skin: Which is also painful. The female body has evolved to release this chemical at the reception of said pain.
Everywhere you turn it seems that pain is an inescapable fact of the bond.
Everywhere you turn it seems that pain is an inescapable fact of the bond.
Ah sir, I'll have to beg to differ with you on the pain being the reason behind the bonding.
This was on a NOVA science program. It is titled 'Why We Love Dogs.' They tested oxytocin levels in mom & babe before nursing to get a base level, then while nursing & this is where they found the increase of oxytocin in the mom & babe.
They also tested for base levels of oxytocin in a dog owner & the dog.
Then they had the owner love on the dog & during the pet/owner interaction they tested the oxytocin levels in both pet & owner & the levels were raised in both!
I hardly can believe that there was pain involved with the pet/owner interaction that caused the oxytocin level rise. And I doubt that it was different for the humans ie: the loving interaction of nursing was what caused the oxytocin level rises, not any pain from the nursing.
SHANTI
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Scubadiva: I agree. Those were also my thoughts. In a healthy relationship, one partner doesn't need to artificially create jealousy, or should not feel the need to do so. If she feels unappreciated, then she should address it with her husband and not by dragging a third party into the situation. I see nothing healthy there, but a lot of game playing that can seriously backfire.
I wonder how the husband would feel if he found the OPs phone number.
I wonder how the husband would feel if he found the OPs phone number.
Are you saying that married women can't have male friends? Surely not every man would freak out, if he found the number of another man on his wife's phone.
Nobody knows, if she feels unappreciated, and she isn't actually artificially creating jealousy - what's happening here is that OP is worried that jealousy may be created, and his lady-friend laughed it off.
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Harleyquinn: Ah sir, I'll have to beg to differ with you on the pain being the reason behind the bonding.
This was on a NOVA science program. It is titled 'Why We Love Dogs.' They tested oxytocin levels in mom & babe before nursing to get a base level, then while nursing & this is where they found the increase of oxytocin in the mom & babe.
They also tested for base levels of oxytocin in a dog owner & the dog.
Then they had the owner love on the dog & during the pet/owner interaction they tested the oxytocin levels in both pet & owner & the levels were raised in both!
I hardly can believe that there was pain involved with the pet/owner interaction that caused the oxytocin level rise. And I doubt that it was different for the humans ie: the loving interaction of nursing was what caused the oxytocin level rises, not any pain from the nursing.
SHANTI
This was on a NOVA science program. It is titled 'Why We Love Dogs.' They tested oxytocin levels in mom & babe before nursing to get a base level, then while nursing & this is where they found the increase of oxytocin in the mom & babe.
They also tested for base levels of oxytocin in a dog owner & the dog.
Then they had the owner love on the dog & during the pet/owner interaction they tested the oxytocin levels in both pet & owner & the levels were raised in both!
I hardly can believe that there was pain involved with the pet/owner interaction that caused the oxytocin level rise. And I doubt that it was different for the humans ie: the loving interaction of nursing was what caused the oxytocin level rises, not any pain from the nursing.
SHANTI
don't bother. he is more interestd in mysogynistic fantasy than fact....god help his wife, but that is an interesting study in any case... no real surprises there, but interesting
the totality of childbirth creates bonding - pain not being a factor one way or another. often the father becomes jealous of the mother/child bond. so it is important to try to include the father....afteral it is his child too, however, IME a lot of young fathers do not wish inclusion and remain stubbornly apart jealous of the time mom speands with the kids....the healthiest thing is for dad to be a part of that , not an observer. I think your study suggests that as well.
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Oooo GG it sounds like game playing to me and makes me feel sorry for the hubby 
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Jealousy is a product of distrust, the tool used to bring about jealousy is manipulation, how can this be healthy in any form?
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Rumple4skin: And sales of fifty shades of grey are deforesting half the Amazon.
Have you read it?
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Susanne1: Are you saying that married women can't have male friends? Surely not every man would freak out, if he found the number of another man on his wife's phone.
Nobody knows, if she feels unappreciated, and she isn't actually artificially creating jealousy - what's happening here is that OP is worried that jealousy may be created, and his lady-friend laughed it off.
Nobody knows, if she feels unappreciated, and she isn't actually artificially creating jealousy - what's happening here is that OP is worried that jealousy may be created, and his lady-friend laughed it off.
Of course married women can have male friends, but not all friendships are created equal. Are they friends because they share one hobby? Are they friends because the have known each other for 20 years, are they friends because she met him on a dating site? How much time do they spend together?
Yes, not every man would freak out, but most will at least ruffle their nose and wonder exactly what the nature of that friendship is. There are friendships that have the potential to lead to cheating, esp. if the married partner has relationship problems and then goes to her single male friend who may have more than friendly feelings towards her; hypothetically speaking.
Yes, she laughed it off and that means that either she is aware that there is the potential that the husband could or would get jealous if he knew about their friendship or she is aware and doesn't care or she is unaware and doesn't care... (assuming the husband does not know about their friendship).
I think it is fair to assume that the husband doesn't know about their friendship because otherwise she would have said: don't worry, he knows and he's okay with it, don't you think?
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Rumple4skin: About a third. It's like a poor version of Story of O.
I have not.
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Godsgift: I was talking to a lady friend of mine last night who is married. I said to her that I make a point of not texting her or calling her too often in case her husband gets the wrong idea and it causes her problems at home. Her response surprised me when she said there was nothing wrong in a bit of healthy jealousy in a relationship.I can't help but feel this attitude is a bit manipulative and a bit dangerous to third person and somehow I no longer trust this lady just as much.
Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy and am I just being a tad unrealistic and over sensitive.
Thoughts please.
Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy and am I just being a tad unrealistic and over sensitive.
Thoughts please.
I'd stay clear of someone like that.
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Godsgift: I was talking to a lady friend of mine last night who is married. I said to her that I make a point of not texting her or calling her too often in case her husband gets the wrong idea and it causes her problems at home. Her response surprised me when she said there was nothing wrong in a bit of healthy jealousy in a relationship.I can't help but feel this attitude is a bit manipulative and a bit dangerous to third person and somehow I no longer trust this lady just as much.
Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy and am I just being a tad unrealistic and over sensitive.
Thoughts please.
Is there such a thing as healthy jealousy and am I just being a tad unrealistic and over sensitive.
Thoughts please.
for me, jealousy is just one of many feelings that can let me know how i am doing, if i pay attention...jealousy, happiness, love,...emotions...
but to purposely create a situation of jealousy seems manipulative and damaging to me and suggests a lack of regard for one's partner. there may be unresolved issues at play, which as a 'third' person, i would not want to get involved with.
if i want/need more attention from my partner, i ask for it. if i feel jealousy, i tell my partner and we discuss it. the 'us' comes first, and this needs open communication, not games.
i value my friendships, both male and female, and don't walk away from them easily.
so... if i am troubled by something, i try to have discussion with my friend about it. it's the guessing that drives me crazy. my experience is that discussion of the awkward bits makes my decisions more clear to me.
OP please don't judge your feelings, they're perhaps letting you know you need clarification on this with your friend?
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felixis99: I had thought of that also - if she is a good family friend, talk to her for clarification. it might have been innocent enough in the context where it was spoken
as a general rule tho, I think there is a difference between jealousy that occurs naturally, and jealousy that is "created" intentionally for manipulative or malicious purposes. both need discussed , but the results of the convo could vary depending on the situation.....jmho
as a general rule tho, I think there is a difference between jealousy that occurs naturally, and jealousy that is "created" intentionally for manipulative or malicious purposes. both need discussed , but the results of the convo could vary depending on the situation.....jmho
Thanks for all the replies. I've had time to think about this. Many years ago I was involved with a girl. I was crazy about her. She used to flirt with other people and initially I thought it was funny. She was full of life. I had no negativity over it.... no and no insecurity jealousy.
Then one day she got angry with me for not getting jealous and that's what she was looking for. I was barely sober and under a year in AA. It was like turning on a light... or turning on a dark if such a thing is possible.
I went on to become very jealous indeed. Infact many sleepless nights till I ended up finishing the relationship which became more and more manipulative. It wasn't till I saw Jac's post earlier that I realised that the negativity had been deliberately planted in me by her and that it wasn't just one of my own defects. For the first time in my life, I finished a relationship. I had never done that before. But every so often that old jealousy thing pops up again and it frightens me. It's one of the reason I stayed single and alone. I had been so easily duped. I can't put myself through that grief and pain again.
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That is what I wish to all at the end of all my posts!
Vegies today include carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, brusselsprouts,
onions, greenbeans/stringbeans & vitamin G (raw garlic).
Have any additional suggestions for me to try?(vegie wise)
SHANTI