A new bad joke, anyone? ( Archived) (89)

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was feeling burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I had to give you an additional 50% of the mark because you somehow managed to do the whole task through the exhaust pipe ... "

Irish feminist Colleen McVay decided on a life of crime so she joined a robber band.

On the night of her first safe-cracking job the boss warned her, "Before we go through the window, you pull your tights right over your face."

Colleen looked at him like was daft and said, "Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch as high as me neck!"

Terms indicated in an Irish Life Insurance Policy:

"The total sum insured will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself in person."



Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church. I'd been sitting behind a fat lady and when she stood for a hymn, I noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom. All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me."

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy. "I was sat behind the same fat woman and when she stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom. My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew, cos you told me, that she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back in."





The first Irish National Steeplechase had to be abandoned cos they couldn't get a single horse up on the cathedral roof.




Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.

"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.

His friend thought for a minute.

"You know, I think it must be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."



Have you heard of an Irish Boomerang?

It's a stick that sings songs about how much it would like to come back ... but it never does !





Q. What 's all you need to be diplomatic to the Irish
A. The ability to tell someone they're going to hell in such a way that they'll be looking forward to making the trip !

Australian guy went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.

"We have 99" replied the shop owner

"Give us the lot" said the Ocker paid for them and left.

He went to a tailors shop in the Chinese quarter and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the top of the Eureka Tower and jumped off.

He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.

"I don't know" he replied "but that's the last time I try that Kiwi sport of budgie jumping"

Two International companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles.

The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the most poles in an hour.

The first company achieved twenty but when the second company's tally came in it was only two.

"I'm afraid you lost the job", the second company was told, "the other boys managed twenty to your two."

"Ah," came the reply, "but they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"

A New York cop was approached my missionaries on Fifth Avenue and asked if he would consider being a Jehovah's Witness

"Completely outta the question ... ya see, I didn't see the accident!'

Murphy..., The Other 15 Laws!


1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you will get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who were not smart enough to get out of jury duty.