OK, so it over - how do you let somebody down gently? (102)
If a relationship is not working out, then the only other option is that at least one, or potentially both people are suffering in it. So putting an end to it seems like the best thing one could do. So whoever decides first that it's going nowhere, ought to sit down and discuss it with the other one. Personally I'm always willing to give a person several chances, but some things are just not working out. The reason is (IMO) incompatibility, and that's what I would say.
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I didn't answer the question sorry. What is the nicest thing I have heard. That would be probably this isn't working out but I value you and want you in my life as a friend.
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Dawn7z: For me at least, lack of communication because the other person can't talk to me is the worst.
People have mentioned this one a few times, total communication breakdown and apart from the "I want us to split up" bit, some people are incapable of verbalising it all any further - how do people deal with that one, is a bit of time out the answer, are there ever any answers when it comes to this impasse, is it cos they are reluctant to hurt the other person but are doing it more so by reluctance to speak or are they frightened to speak
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trish123: Gra will have forgotten it by now - I think United are playing tonight
I just see so much of it around and really wonder at all this broken heart stuff and was thinking if there are ways to ease the pain in the first place - the only thing I can think of just now is the way we tend to let our imaginations run away with our expectations - but isnt hindsight forever the late arrival...........
and I have to wonder if some of the pain of the talking it over at the end could saved by more talking it over on the way through - or is it those rose coloured glasses that get in the way ? and as you say, red flags do show pretty early on and we ignore them to our cost.....
I just see so much of it around and really wonder at all this broken heart stuff and was thinking if there are ways to ease the pain in the first place - the only thing I can think of just now is the way we tend to let our imaginations run away with our expectations - but isnt hindsight forever the late arrival...........
and I have to wonder if some of the pain of the talking it over at the end could saved by more talking it over on the way through - or is it those rose coloured glasses that get in the way ? and as you say, red flags do show pretty early on and we ignore them to our cost.....
Well I think its the same old story, Trish, it appears most people have no desire to change, least of all at the request of a partner, maybe it seems like giving in or something; but seems to me good old communication during and a desire to alter behaviors that are destructive would avert the need to blow the thing up at all. Seems to me for a balanced person it would be last recourse to end it, and only in the event of hopelssness; but for some ending it 50 times a month as a weapon to get their way seems normal ... normally destructive.
and then how do you beleive someone who most always says its over and then comes back in a day or two. I guess your words and actions have to mean something in the relationship for them to mean something at the end.
The one I did end, I had no problem at all with, I think that she learned to trust what I said during the relationship and so knew I 'meant it' in the end, so it ended resolved and we still talk on odd occasions.
jmo
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BnaturAl: Well I think its the same old story, Trish, it appears most people have no desire to change, least of all at the request of a partner, maybe it seems like giving in or something; but seems to me good old communication during and a desire to alter behaviors that are destructive would avert the need to blow the thing up at all. Seems to me for a balanced person it would be last recourse to end it, and only in the event of hopelssness; but for some ending it 50 times a month as a weapon to get their way seems normal ... normally destructive.
and then how do you beleive someone who most always says its over and then comes back in a day or two. I guess your words and actions have to mean something in the relationship for them to mean something at the end.
The one I did end, I had no problem at all with, I think that she learned to trust what I said during the relationship and so knew I 'meant it' in the end, so it ended resolved and we still talk on odd occasions.jmo
and then how do you beleive someone who most always says its over and then comes back in a day or two. I guess your words and actions have to mean something in the relationship for them to mean something at the end.
The one I did end, I had no problem at all with, I think that she learned to trust what I said during the relationship and so knew I 'meant it' in the end, so it ended resolved and we still talk on odd occasions.jmo
As always, beautifully put.
My last relationship kept ending, then he would hold money over me, you pay me this and I will come back to you, you show me what your finances are like, give me your log in details so I can see what is going on.
It was 'you do what I want, or there is no relationship', in the end I left, and now all I get is an angry man, and he is my business partner.
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Sommerauer71: As always, beautifully put.
My last relationship kept ending, then he would hold money over me, you pay me this and I will come back to you, you show me what your finances are like, give me your log in details so I can see what is going on.
It was 'you do what I want, or there is no relationship', in the end I left, and now all I get is an angry man, and he is my business partner.
My last relationship kept ending, then he would hold money over me, you pay me this and I will come back to you, you show me what your finances are like, give me your log in details so I can see what is going on.
It was 'you do what I want, or there is no relationship', in the end I left, and now all I get is an angry man, and he is my business partner.
oh crap! ummmm ... sell, sell, sell
I dont think there's an easy, way to say goodbye.. all I know is this
I dont say its over unless I mean it, and I dont say I love you unless I mean it. (other than horseing around here in VR land)
I take time to think clearly about both, and generally ask for that time in hairy situations, giving her 'a time' when I will get back to her and keeping that promise as well, unless of course she nukes it or shoots off a threat or something, then I"m gone, just don't want to be around that sort of disguised control misery.
roger fox dogs.
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I've had this thought ever since you posted this thread, of gently lowering their cement encased body over the side of the bridge and watching it sink gently into the Thames, and then being relieved by the sign of gurgling bubbles rising to the surface, grinning, satisfied that it hit bottom... 
Of ocurse I wouldn't do that; cement is way too expensive these days.
Of ocurse I wouldn't do that; cement is way too expensive these days.
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BnaturAl: Well I think its the same old story, Trish, it appears most people have no desire to change, least of all at the request of a partner, maybe it seems like giving in or something; but seems to me good old communication during and a desire to alter behaviors that are destructive would avert the need to blow the thing up at all. Seems to me for a balanced person it would be last recourse to end it, and only in the event of hopelssness; but for some ending it 50 times a month as a weapon to get their way seems normal ... normally destructive.
and then how do you beleive someone who most always says its over and then comes back in a day or two. I guess your words and actions have to mean something in the relationship for them to mean something at the end.
The one I did end, I had no problem at all with, I think that she learned to trust what I said during the relationship and so knew I 'meant it' in the end, so it ended resolved and we still talk on odd occasions.jmo
and then how do you beleive someone who most always says its over and then comes back in a day or two. I guess your words and actions have to mean something in the relationship for them to mean something at the end.
The one I did end, I had no problem at all with, I think that she learned to trust what I said during the relationship and so knew I 'meant it' in the end, so it ended resolved and we still talk on odd occasions.jmo
Yep, thats the first thing I look for when either half of a couple start to complain, have either actually made any effort to accomodate the other persons point of view - its very few who actually do make the ongoing effort and Ive often observed it to be a one sided affair of one party taking the role of people pleaser for the sake of peace - and the show rolls on till emotional exhaustion sets in - sad, cos by that time I guess its not too far from losing the will to even try to put things right....... and not only respect but initial attraction factors are out the window.....
and as for that breaking up every week or two - I can only think - get it flippin well over with - people use that to control others and its pretty sad to say the least - even worse when there are children involved and so heartbreaking for the person on the receiving end too - actually, if its being used as a gameplan then its pretty damned destructive and even indicative of mental health issues - either way, its a great big control drama......
I agree with you Al, say what you mean and mean what you say.....
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SirenLydia: Yes, yes, yes Trish......
No easy way to part from someone.
But however gently you try to let them down,
if they hurt then some will get nasty,
mostly I have not had too much unpleasentness
though.
I wouldn't recomend doing by text though!
how you doing up there?
I second that.No easy way to part from someone.
But however gently you try to let them down,
if they hurt then some will get nasty,
mostly I have not had too much unpleasentness
though.
I wouldn't recomend doing by text though!
how you doing up there?
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BnaturAl: I've had this thought ever since you posted this thread, of gently lowering their cement encased body over the side of the bridge and watching it sink gently into the Thames, and then being relieved by the sign of gurgling bubbles rising to the surface, grinning, satisfied that it hit bottom...
Of ocurse I wouldn't do that; cement is way too expensive these days.
Of ocurse I wouldn't do that; cement is way too expensive these days.
I thought thats why they just used cement boots - just as effective and the offender can truly be at one with the fishes
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trish123: I agree Solitare, I actually deleted that from the original post cos I was answering my own question
What Im thinking about more so, is when these situations turn 'tricky'....... more than a couple of people I know have ended up with stalkers who totally refuse to take 'no' or 'its over' into their heads - was wondering more I guess if theres ways round those situations - other than calling the cops
What Im thinking about more so, is when these situations turn 'tricky'....... more than a couple of people I know have ended up with stalkers who totally refuse to take 'no' or 'its over' into their heads - was wondering more I guess if theres ways round those situations - other than calling the cops
No there aren't Trish...The type of person who will stalk someone is not about to listen to you or anyone else no matter how gently you put it....it's a matter of control and manipulation....I know been there done that...if I told the guy once...I told him 100 times...that was it..it was over and he persisted in stalking me for a year...in this case he heard what he wanted to hear and that was it...no matter what I said....
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There is no 'nice' way to end a relationship if the other person is going to be hurt, and as a person who tries hard not to hurt anybody's feelings I've stayed in a couple of relationships much longer than I should have.
All I would say is try to use tact, be as gentle as possible and do it face to face.
If you end up with a stalker, which did incidentally happen to me, then the kid gloves have to come off!
All I would say is try to use tact, be as gentle as possible and do it face to face.
If you end up with a stalker, which did incidentally happen to me, then the kid gloves have to come off!
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trish123: Yep, thats the first thing I look for when either half of a couple start to complain, have either actually made any effort to accomodate the other persons point of view - its very few who actually do make the ongoing effort and Ive often observed it to be a one sided affair of one party taking the role of people pleaser for the sake of peace - and the show rolls on till emotional exhaustion sets in - sad, cos by that time I guess its not too far from losing the will to even try to put things right....... and not only respect but initial attraction factors are out the window.....
and as for that breaking up every week or two - I can only think - get it flippin well over with - people use that to control others and its pretty sad to say the least - even worse when there are children involved and so heartbreaking for the person on the receiving end too - actually, if its being used as a gameplan then its pretty damned destructive and even indicative of mental health issues - either way, its a great big control drama......
I agree with you Al, say what you mean and mean what you say.....
and as for that breaking up every week or two - I can only think - get it flippin well over with - people use that to control others and its pretty sad to say the least - even worse when there are children involved and so heartbreaking for the person on the receiving end too - actually, if its being used as a gameplan then its pretty damned destructive and even indicative of mental health issues - either way, its a great big control drama......
I agree with you Al, say what you mean and mean what you say.....
right on, are you rebounding on me because of graham? 
You know though, I'll do the people pleaser thing, sometimes, not forever though. Sometimes I think its important to give in, its far better than 'giving up' and some issues while important to the other may not be a big deal to me, so I'll acquiesce with little resistance. Besides; having a side isnt always the point, as much as being a team. I think we dum humans tend to forget that.
Not sure I would agree with there being mental health issues always, I think dysfunctional is kind of normal anymore. The result of the behavior is certainly unhealthy to relationships, but the dysfunctional person isn't necessarily mentally unable to change as they are unwilling to see or pridigiously, maybe stubborn, to even self evaluate. I guess there's prob a psych term for it; but sheeeeeese I dont want to think of everyone as mental, maybe ignorant and set in there ways, refusing to change anything.
And yep that desire to get back to your beginnings, the initial thing that brought you together, seems to become more like an old xmas gift that was the wrong size.
I hear a lot of people saying "how could I have been so stupid" or "what could I do?" after a relationship, but seldom do they listen to the answers.
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keytone: I second that.
Hiya Bettis, love the hat
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Sommerauer71: As always, beautifully put.
My last relationship kept ending, then he would hold money over me, you pay me this and I will come back to you, you show me what your finances are like, give me your log in details so I can see what is going on.
It was 'you do what I want, or there is no relationship', in the end I left, and now all I get is an angry man, and he is my business partner.
My last relationship kept ending, then he would hold money over me, you pay me this and I will come back to you, you show me what your finances are like, give me your log in details so I can see what is going on.
It was 'you do what I want, or there is no relationship', in the end I left, and now all I get is an angry man, and he is my business partner.
pshhhhewww - it can get so flippin complicated cant it
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trish123: Hiya Bettis, love the hat
thanks Trish 
;-}
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Hugz_n_Kissez: I don't do the people pleaser thing...I just tell the plain truth about why I feel the way I do and why I don't think it's gonna work....but this is also after more than one attempt...as you say if things don't change...then what's the point....Mine have mostly ended because of the balance thing...I have given given and given....with very little in return...and it does wipe one out to the point there is no more to give eventually.....For me there is no point in people pleasing because I am not responsible for anyone elses feelings...they are responsible for their own...and I can't do anything more than offer the truth for my part!!!!!!!
Ill only do it rather than arguing Hugs, specially if theres children around - Im all for a good honest facing of the facts myself and do my best to say it like it is but without any intentional hurting as Im sure you do too but , as in the case of people who wont listen, as you know all too well, we have to take drastic action sadly........
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Easy!! Goodbye....I won't be calling you anymore, please don't call me
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shipoker58: Easy!! Goodbye....I won't be calling you anymore, please don't call me
I think this is a good way.
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Does it always have to get hurtful or otherwise horrible and does 'letting them down easy' inevitably turn mean and nasty?
How can we put things that somebody may not want to hear, into words which wont break their hearts and how much of ourselves do we invest in this before the role changes to that of parent or carer instead of lover and friend
No, Im not about to burst somebodys bubble, Im just wondering for the simple reason that a lot of us have gone through this stuff or seen it in others' relationships - have we learnt anything and can we learn more?
and, wouldnt getting out sooner rather than later, in some situations, be the better choice?
By being caring and compassionate can't totally take away another's hurt even in ongoing relationships there is hurt from time to time. For me at least, lack of communication because the other person can't talk to me is the worst.
That is why it's good to start as friends and have some agreement. Be upfront then you have something left when it's over. You have friendship.