Joker5911 Forum Posts (42)

RE: RIDDLES

Where does the white go when the snow melts?

Why do we drive on a parkway, yet we park in a driveway

If you are travelingat the speed of light and turn your headlights on........will they do any good

RE: Cold in Texas in September!

Won't someone please turn the heat back on Or did the state of Texas forget to pay the electric bill to mother nature and she disconnected us. This is NOT my idea of having a good time.

It is rather nice weather to put a log in the fireplace though. Oh wait I don't have a log or a fireplace. Drat it!!!

Why can I not have a preference in whom I would like to date?

The no smoking thing has gone up in smoke But I have cut back to about 10 a day. Thanx for you kind reply on the weight issue. And I think that the ones that give me crap about it are the ones that cannot get a date and are frustrated with themselves as well and need someone to take it out on. I wonder if they stopped to think that I would reply to them and ask them out after the nasty-o-gram they send me!
Good luck on your losing the weight you want to lose. I know it is probably harder than quiting smoking.
I am really surprised that I haven't gotten more comments then I have, but this Texas forum kind sux. Not much going on here.

Doctor & Patient

The doctor called his patient and told him he had bad news and even worse news.

Patient: Well....tell me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your tests came back and you only have 24 hrs to live.

Patient: OH my god that is bad news, how can you have any worse news than that!

Doctor: I was suppose to call you yesterday and I forgot.

RE: Has anyone ever tried

Well one thing is for sure.........if it's from Microsoft it has to be crap. I have read up on it and talked to a couple of techs about it as well. They are not impressed.
If you look back on the history of Microsoft, every other operating they have come out with has been junk. Vista has advantages over XP certainly, but it's still a PC (piece of crap). I tech both PC's and Mac's. I'll take my mac and kick anyone butt around the room that has a PC. But then I'm not into gaming. Don't have time for it.
I prefer XP myself as I can get into the directory and remove items which I don't want. With Vista I can't. But rather I have to write a patch to the directory to offset the item I don't want working in there.
There are so many things that the average person doesn't realize when it comes to the systems and how they work. It is also easier to tweek XP than Vista to make the computer run faster etc.
So far I give windows 7... 3 thumbs down.

RE: Why do people threaten to leave CS?

I rarely read these forums and hardly ever comment, but if I were to leave I wouldn't announce it or write about in the forum, I would just delete my account. When I leave it would be for one of two reasons......either I have found my special someone or because this site just plain SUX. The latter is more likely.

RE: Home Owner Shoots and Kills an Intruder.....

That is one thing I like about Texas. If you are sued because you shot and killed someone who posed a treat to you or your family, the dead persons family cannot collect any monetary settlement from you in court.
After all, we are still the wild wild west and we still do have prairie law. The law also states that a "threat" doesn't have to be with a gun or knife or any weapon of sorts. A threat is any communication where you feel your life might be in danger. Then you can use deadly force. However, when the police get there, you don't tell them that you killed him but that you "STOPPED HIM" from attacking you. After all, it is against the law to "KILL" another person. But you can use deadly force to "STOP" them.

RE: Home Owner Shoots and Kills an Intruder.....

I agree, anyone breaking in will be shot, PERIOD.
They have no reason to be in my house in the first place.
I will NOT wait until they threaten me, if they are in my house they are already a threat. They are not there for cookies and ice cream.
So lets say you don't kill them, they get out in 6 months and they are back on the street and back to break into your house again or worse.
I say unload the clip on them, also, I have never heard of a repeat offender coming back from the grave.

Why can I not have a preference in whom I would like to date?

I am going to try to be as diplomatic as I can in writing this:

I am getting several emails each day from women who think I’m a jerk because I prefer petite ladies. These ladies are listed as “average” in size. Which means they are a size 8 to 12 or larger and less than 5’ 4”. I’m sure they have personal preferences as well, but choose to slander me for mine. Rest assured they would not date a man who never brushes his teeth or only has two teeth in his head, so why should I be crucified for having a preference toward small built women. They say “you don’t know what your missing”. EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!! Yes I do, I had dated larger women in the past and that is WHY I prefer petite ladies.
Do I have friends that are not petite? Yes, but that has nothing to do with my dating habits.
Your comments will be welcomed.

RE: Free vs Expensive Dating Sites

I have tried them both and I have had better results with less hassle on the free sites. Unfortunately, I have had MUCH better luck on another free site than I ever have had on this one.

RE: The perfect getaway?

My perfect vacation is anywhere my X is NOT!!!
AH peace and quiet.

RE: Happy or not?

I have more fun now that I'm older than I did when I was young. Mainly because I was so busy trying to make a living and feed a family. And with the added knowledge I have gained over the years I now work smarter instead of harder.
Life after 50 is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When your young and you hold hands walking down the street no one notices. But when your old and hold hands walking down the street EVERYONE notices.

I have decided to quit smoking

Everyone tells me how much money I will save by quitting but I have rolled my own cigs for years and it costs me 90 cents a pack. Not much savings there. However, it will save me a trip to the smoke shop every month.
Hey I'm doing good, I'm down to 5 per day from 2 packs. And I really don't miss the other 35. I keep busy, and it helps when I'm around non-smokers.
I haven't had to substitute food or candy either. So I am still a slim & trim dude. I woke up this morning and realized that I didn't have my late night smokey treat last night.
That was cool.
Thanx for all your encouragement.

What's what?

Young farm boy wants to go to college so he goes in to take the entrance exam. the instructor informs everyone that they have to get 100% on the test and it is a timed test. You have one hour to finish the exam. You may start now!
the farm boy flies through the exam in record time until he comes to the last question.

It says "WHAT'S WHAT.

He thinks and thinks but cannot come up with a correct answer. The instructor tells everyone, TIMES UP!!!!
The young man fails the test. A year later he marries a city girl and they go off on their honeymoon. The get to the motel and get ready for bed and he just lays there on the bed. Finally she reaches over and takes his hand a puts it between her legs. He says "What's that?
The bride says "what's what". The farm boy said, "damn if I'd known that I could of went to college!!!!!!!!!!!!

RE: What kind of person were you in high-school?

James Dean type here. Rode a Harley to school with cigs tucked in my shirt sleeve. I beat the crap out of the High school principle twice my junior year. Was an accomplished 3rd degree black belt by my Junior year. Done a burnout down the front sidewalk at the high school with my 55 Chevy just to name a few
Man life was good.

African safari

A man walked into a sporting goods store and announced he was going on an African Safari and needed some equipment. A young salesman eager to make a sale quickly took him by the arm and led him to the counter where he sold this guy everything from fishing tackle to depth finders. The young clerk said that will be $ 8, 300.00. OOPPSS I forgot something said the sales clerk, you need a lion dog. The clerk runs in the back room and tells the stocking boy to go into the alley and bring him the first dog he finds and he’ll give him $20.00.
The stock boy goes out and scoops up a chiwawa and brings it in and sets it on the counter.
The customer said ‘Hey what kind of fool do you take me for. I’ve seen pictures of lions and they are much bigger that that dog. The clerk not wanting miss a sale picks up the dog by the tail and says, “you see these two nuts, he adjustable, he’s set for field mice.”

RE: Blondes

Did you hear about the blond that starred at the orange juice container for 20 minutes because it said on the side of the box CONCENTRATE.

Why did the blond climb over the glass wall.
To see what was on the other side.

A little blond girl comes home from school and tells her mom. I hate those boys at school, everytime we go out for recess they stand around the monkey bars and wait for me to hang by my knees so they can see my pants.

So today I fooled them, I took pants off! Boy are they stupid!!!

crossing the desert

There was a guy riding his bicycle across the desert and the heat was starting to get to him so he stopped along the road to rest. An old man came along in brand new Cadillac and asked if would like a ride. The man said “Yes that would be nice”
The old man asked what he was going to do with his bicycle. The rider said “we can put that in your trunk. “ The old man said “oh no, your scratching up my new trunk. But I do have 25’ of rope, and we could tie the rope to my hitch and then around your handle bars. I’ll roll the windows down and turn up the radio so you can hear some tunes. When we get to comfortable speed just honk your little horn and I’ll set the cruise and we can run across the desert.
The rider said “yea, that would be cool
So they took off and got up to 50 MPH and the guy honked his horn, the old man set the cruise. They had gone about 10 miles when a Lincoln came up on them and pulled out to pass. The old man thought I’m not going to have a Lincoln pass me in my new Cadillac so to the floor went the accelerator. They were running side by side at 135 MPH when they went through a speed trap. The officer radioed ahead and said “CHIEF, you won’t believe what I just saw”. I clocked a Lincoln and a Cadillac running side by side at 135 MPH and some idiot on a bicycle honking his horn wanting them to get out of the way so he could go by!!!!!!!!!!!”

RE: Blondes

A blond goes into the car dealership and asks the parts man for a 710 cap for her car. The parts man looks at her and says I'm not sure what you mean by a 710 cap, can you show me what you are talking about. The blond leads him out to the car and lifts the hood and says see right there is where it goes, and points to the engine. The parts man looks and says OH OK you mean an OIL cap.

RE: HUMOR .... what is your favorite kind ?

I normally don't post on these forums, but this one is right up my alley. I love all kinds of jokes and joking around.

How about the country kids that get married and come home after their honeymoon to live with her parents on the farm. After 3 days the kids had not left the bedroom, worried the father went upstairs and knocked on the door. He said" Are you kids alright in there, we haven't seen you since you home."
The daughter replies, "Don't bother us dad we're living off the fruit of love"
To which the father replies, "That's OK but quit throwing your peelings out the window, their choking my geese."

Or

Did you hear about the 2 old maids on a drunk
Yup, they darn near killed him

Just my small contribution to mankind.

RE: Blondes

Blonde to Dr. " Something is terribly wrong! No matter where I touch myself , my knee, elbow, neck....wherever...the pain is unbearable! It makes me scream out loud!
Is this some new weird disease?!?!?!?!?!

Dr. to blonde: "No. Your finger is broken."

RE: Things you women hate to be called by men?

OMG ya'll better not come to Texas. We use darlin' and Hun as a form of communication down here. The guys call the ladies darlin and gals call the guys hun. And it's not because we are trying to get into each others knickers, it's just the way it is here. If I order breakfast I tell the waitress I want the two eggs darlin, she replies by saying what kind of toast would you like hun.
And if we want to show respect to a lady we call them Miss. If her name is Kathy and we know her we call her Miss Kathy.
One thing I could never understand is WHY a man would call his wife TOE-HEAD. Even if it is slang for a blond I think it is degrading as hell.

RE: Top 10 Pick-Up Lines To Avoid."

How about women pick lines too. They are guilty as well.
C'mon gals what are some lines you have used?


I had a lady approach me and say.

I see you got out of your pasture, does that mean you are available for stud service.

RE: Top 10 Pick-Up Lines To Avoid."

Hello darlin I'm a photographer and I'd like to take you into my darkroom and see what develops.

RE: If you could be anywhere...

I'd go back 30 years to the date when I asked my girl friend to marry me. And then I would gently take her hand in mine and BREAK IT then run like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RE: What to do?

When I get those feelings I go SHOPPING. I know it sounds strange for a guy, but you meet a lot if interesting ladies in the store that you can bump your cart into and strike up a conversation.
I may even buy something while I'm there.

RE: Blondes

One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over
breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplows can get through."
Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says,"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the plows can get through."
Norman 's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today you must park.."
Then the power goes out. Norman 's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

RE: Can't Out Smart Texans

A Texan was on a cattle buying trip when an old farmer came up and said. Your from Texas aren't you. The Texan said yes I am. The old farmer said, you are buying a lot of cattle, just how big is your ranch.
The Texan replies, you can get in the car and drive all day and still not be at the end of my ranch.
The old farmer stood there for a moment rubbing his chin and said, Yup we use to have a car like that too.

An Alaskan was in a bar bragging about how big Alaska was when a Texan walks up and said, "if you don't shut up about how big your state is, we'll cut Texas in half and then you'll be the third largest state.

RE: What's the most beautiful country u visited?

Been to Canada, don't want to go back. Some parts of Mexico are nice, love the French West Indies, and Virgin Islands.
I hope to get to Denmark and look up some of the ancestry.
I still want to see Italy, Rome, and Greece

RE: What's your favorite website?

It's snopes.com for me. If you want to know the answer to anything, or need factual information about a subject or an issue Snopes has the answers.