Peneloperose Poetry (20)

To my Beautful Soul

From your Broken Angel.

Helo Precious heart,

I found you lost and alone
wandering never wanting a home
"Brave you are" I say!
you reply "Happy to be this way"

Then why? I ask Am I here? if everything is as you say
Why do you keep me here? if you are indeed ok
Why do you cling to me? I wonder if you know

I feel my time is only short I must heal you or go!

You invite me to stay awhile
entice me with your smiles.
A longing I feel inside
You remind me of some PLACE
A Place to hide.
Happy and safe - never to leave
In your loveliness I get to BREATHE
a haven where I can melt away
The walls I built crashed this day
here I can make time stand still
and let the world pass us by
All I need is to look into your loving eyes

Why did you show me a place like this?
Its a place I'm not sure I can exist
It confuses me I thought you said you wished to be free
yet somehow you've managed to be entrapped by me
always torn between having to go and wanting to stay
Always trying to figure out a way.
Where the sun and the moon can exist in the same time
Compelled to be both travelling along different lines
both forces uncontrollably pulling away
There rarely exists a night in a day

I wonder is this the same destiny of yearning I must follow
never knowing about tomorrow
a fear in me tells me to end it this day
but desire compells me to stay
In my thoughts I hear a voice
calling you will be lost

Compelled to stay despite the cost.......

Beautiful soul who compells me here
its not your love but mine that I fear.

I wake up to a new day
But the day still looks the same
What was I hoping for
what did I expect to change

same heart thats always broken
same lies I always hear
same truth that I have to face
Same "What am I doing here"

So take a look in the mirror
and tell me what you see
is it really you standing there

and would anyone ever understand
how easy it would be to change who I am.

show a little kindness
give a little respect
keep a little dignity
Thats all that I expect

life has taught me very well
the lessons I must learn
and all the good to come of it
is I have learnt to be strong

I don't want your forgiveness
nor do I want your sympathy
this is not self pity
I don't have time for that

why can't you understand me
accept me for who I am
is it really that difficult
do you even try at all

So I ask the Questions
to answers I may never find
I am tired and very weary
I am trying hard not to fall.

Take a look in the mirror
I will tell you what I see
I see hurt, pain & disgust
of the way I let you treat me

So no more will you disregard me
No more guilt or cutting remarks
No more will I blindly follow
the shadow you are making me

My soul doesn't belong to you
There is only so much pain I can go through
the walls will start closing down
the feelings that I have

Every scar you make for me
will soon no longer make me sad

Because with every new day
and every reflection I see
The day may stay the same
But it is me who will change

maybe I am cold and synical
well if it is so be
you never tried to look inside
and see the real me

I am not a puppet
I will break before I bend
This is what life is teaching me
and there is way to much to mend

Look into the mirror
what reflection do you see?
Are you really smiling??
or crushed in misery???

When I walk through my soul, what do I see?
I see a vision of a girl but she doesn't look like me!
I can walk right up to her, but she never speaks a word
She is quiet, scared and shy, but makes herself heard
Everytime I visit I know she will be there
I don't understand but I know that she cares
I wonder if this girl is me?
Maybe she is the person who I would like to be!
I know that she is not happy but niether is she sad
No longer does anything ever make her mad.
Time has not been kind there is a lot that she has seen
she has taken me to places I wish I had never been
I know just where I am I close my eyes and feel the pain
as she takes my hand today, I tell her I don't want to stay.
But she continues to lead me to places I have already been
This is when I knew my life would never be the same...
She shows me hate lives here, but hate I no longer fear.
hate is just a word to me, its what I always hear
I was shown contempt before, I will not allow me to feel this anymore
I hear all these things in your voice, I've seen them in your touch
when you once told me that you cared so much
which of them was not the truth? with these lies you stole my youth!
I no longer have hate for you,there is nothing more you could ever do.
even though what you did was wrong because of you I grew up strong.
I have fought my whole life to survive and I must have won
because I aam still alive. I occassionally wonder if it is a life worth living when all my past I have to keep well hidden.
For a long time now I have lived without remorse or regret
about all the things I can never forget
they make me the person I am, she is the one I understand!
No pain No guilt, just suffering, this is what indifference brings.
All my life I have been hurt by you If I can't let go what do I do?
I have become someone whom I should hate but I don't.
I do things to hurt myself, I punish myself but don't feel guilt.
I no longer have consequences,
because I can deal with what ever happens in my life
I am no longer afraid, I no longer wake up at night and scream
I no longer feel or care Whatever shall be shall be
So for everything that you did and all that I did after
Is now over
I am in control and you will never be again
You went through your life and received your punishment as little as it was you never felt any pain, regret or remorse..
You just go through life spreading your contempt.
I laughed a sour bitter laugh as you were making me just like you
But what makes me better than you is I would never cause the pain or heartache to anyone, like you have done to me.
I am a SURVIVOR
and your punishment is just that, to know you never won
You can not kill my spirit or my fight or my Soul
for she is part of me and to you I will never give them.

Difficult I am



I know you find me difficult,
I wish that I could be
Somebody different
but you know its not me!

I have tried to change
the way I am
But a full circle has turned
back where I began!

I dont know why ,
you feel it is because of you
Its not anything that you've said
or anything you do!

Sometimes I need to be alone
to be free,
That doesn't mean I was saying
you cage me!

I like to be cranky, moody,
solemn and sad
Its all just a a part of who I am
I am sorry if this makes you mad!

I know you want me to let you in
help you to see
I cant tell you of things
deep inside me
not because I dont trust you
I trust you more than you know
But the Demons inside of me
I will never show

To do so would mean I have to go back
and relive it again
Im not strong enough to do that
there is too much pain

Dont tell me if I never try
I will never know
I've already been there
and I paid the price to go!

I believe that some things
are better left unsaid
just as the story of my life
is better left unread!

It is all the simple things
you dont understand
Like why I find it difficult
to just hold your hand!

In life there are lessons
that we must learn
My lessons were harsh and cruel
I got burnt!

It has taken me a long time
to get use to touch
The things you take for granted
the things you love so much!

So when I freeze or pull away
dont think that it is you
Sometimes I cant control
the times that I do!

I hate when you are sad
and the reason is me
I want so much to run to hold you
but something always makes me let you be.

One moment turns into an eternity
Its too late
the moment is gone
I can never get it back
never change where I was wrong

Silence becomes so loud
when its words you want to hear
I know you want answers
but it is my words that I fear!

Silence is the only way
I can cope
every second that passes by
Im trying not to choke

When I cant help you understand
and you can not see
Too many times before
my words have been used against me


Please dont make me feel guilty
like many try too
Because thats when i will say good bye
I do not do it to you!

I just want you to accept me
for the way that I am
You dont have to deal with it
or understand!

I dont want your pity
or your sympathy
Accept the fact that I wont change
and just let me be

I've been this way for a long time
Its how I protect
It doesnt make me sad
nor do I regret!

Dissillusionment of Extrodinary becomes just "ordinary"

The echo in my mind is just my lonely hearts cry
in our minds we are free to create elaborate fantasy
convince ourselves that what we see is what we need to recieve

I thought that when I gave great love that it would be returned to me
That someone would see me as extrodinary.
That someone would feel great need for me.
That I could be put on a pedastool
how could i let myself be such a fool.

A heart will want what it does want
My heart wants someone to chase after me
someone to believe I am wonderful
someone to tell me that I am remarkable and special
Someone who will get lost in my eyes
Someone who yearns to make me smile
Someone who wants my life to be easy
Someone who believes in me
Someone who will move the heavens and earth to be with me
Someone who wants to make time stand still
Show me that I am more than ordinary

Rose

Why did you call to me like a sirens song on the wind
sad and luring compelling me to this place

how did you reach me my heart was black and closed
its not right that you took my healing

a rare and precious rose you found
which you quickly placed under glass
insisted on my honesty and loyalty

but now you leave me here
cold and lonely without your heart
left on a shelf slowly dying underneath the glass

you still make the occasional promise of hope
but every step you take is away from me
I am becoming more brittle everyday

Soon I will be a meer memory
locked within this glass
no hope left no desire to continue to shine
maybe it is true that nothing lasts

I wish you didnt show me that.
as I would prefer to hope.

I met someone sincere
An Angel

which made me reflect

As his smile came my way

I remember envying him

and the fact that he was

having a happy day.




His kindness was refreshing

genuine and true

I wonder? Maybe for one day

I should try to be more like you




Well I set my plan in motion

I smiled and said Hello!

I continued on in conversation

hoping that I had the same glow




By the end I was worn and weary

what a heavy task

I appreciate you even more

for in my patience and strength

I discovered many flaws.




So I am writing this little poem

As I sit in awe

To tell you that I miss

The Angel

who passed through my door.




xx

On angels wings I use to Soar
I dont anymore
Overwhelming aching sorrow
No moon shall shine tomorrow
The spell was cast upon the right stone
A kingdom set with you upon the throne
A different place a forgotten past
A life of promise meant to last

Hence now is lost and time is broken
as anguish and indifference have spoken

An angel fell crushed lying on the grass
how can she heal with a mortal heart

why do the turn and walk a way in vain
do you not feel her dying pain


I summond all my enchantment to call you to this place
I never dreamed it would be you
that bought about my fall from Grace
The wind lies silent my powers now diminished
Amid the tears the sirens call fall upon deaf ears
your ignorance locks me to this place
I can no longer break through
forever haunted by your face.