mindfful Poetry (8)

im afraid


its been a really long time but its back

i am so tired

i am worried

im afraid im afraid im afraid

posted this in a thread-
wanted to post here too- thanks

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NOT REFERRING TO ANYONE HERE

it is always amazing to me
how self centered and tunnel visioned some people can be

always wrapped up in their sense of dread

only listen to whats in their own head

how can one walk in only their shoes
never giving thought to what their actions do

never address those that they harm
tenuously wrapped in their self pitying arms

telling their story
tho crooked it may be
convincing themselves by the time they tell three

clutching their right to be wrong cuz they're hurt
blaming all else but not willing to work

diligently they create their latest sad story
and with each telling the storys more gory

i see myself in the words above
tho its been a long time and required a shove

now i take my turn on this end
and dont like it here either-
if i only had the chance i'd be the forgiver

why dont we just tell the truth with our lives
rather than spin these boggling delectable lies

seems such a waste and time is so short

for me im old now and id rather comport
my love and affection with ease to secure
a love and true trust that surely endures


wow that was cool i just made that up



i made it up following a visit elsewhere
reading and sighing and having a stare
i was so hideously amazed i couldnt abide
and will not let my reaction gum up me insides

love is

an illusion
a dream
the most wonderful thing



fleeting at best
when your cards are on your chest

but when its spent till all is gone
then returned ten fold from the one
that helps you know
its all all right
you can believe with all your might




love is

the pain


it permeates.
it radiates and grows taking over all of me, within and without.
it seems inherent- i liken it to having breath.
it is part of the mechanism and cannot be re-routed.

my every moment waking or slumber its there

when i look out the window it makes any pending decisions.
when i drive the car it tells me how far.

it is the harbinger of doom and then
before i realize-its not been here for 2 hrs.

i notice only because its starting afresh
and is crushing me from within, anew.

no one knows.
they think that look on my face is something else
but its the pain.



the pain.

life is in session and here i am

caught with my stubby pencil

taking notes in some shorthand i think i'll remember
only to be left with gibberish upon review

behind the wheel scribblin notes on my hand
mind is racing
a list of chores and calls and contacts to make today

i know darn well i wont complete even 3 of em
its just that kind of day(mushy in my head)

im not quite apathetic but i am definitely tardy
according to the office-

not enough motivation to be delinquent even

life is in session and im in the special class
feels more like the burn ward
gaping searing peeling stinking wounds
and hushed voices and looks of pity

so i ask for a hall pass for the lavatory
but i really just need to wander

within my self within my room within my thoughts i reside

i walk slow and want to see
but i answer too fast and miss it

i have changed but the roots are still there
i want to change but the roots are rotted
i want the roots to be different but they are the roots and i am grateful even proud of the blooms and the leaves and the rot of my own doing and the undoing of what rot ive got

in and of my travels and lessons i abide
tho with trepidation and haste side by side
and all the while looking okay
seeming fine
screaming inside
but only for a minute, a short minute or a sob

its a journey- im on it and it is good within my within

what do i have to say? not much
im just waiting

waiting to see whats happening

waiting to see what i can do

trying to remember to keep breathing

and to be excited about what is next for me-
what IS next? dang i dont do still very well

lots of people i love i miss
lots of people i miss i love
lots of time to think about it all
not enough time yet to make much sense of it yet

got to keep dancing.

theres change and not
stagnant and flow

some and well all that i cannot know

when i think its sussed i get a shock
when i try to move i hit a block

long and long ive waited and planned
to have it all changed in a moment of fates hand

new plan new flow new stagnance to come
im ready im happy and now planning is done